


cirque d'amour

by moastar



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Big Gay Circus, Cheating, Drug Use, F/F, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-05-14 00:45:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 47,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14759402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moastar/pseuds/moastar
Summary: Katya leaned against a pole that was placed centre-stage, and dropped slowly to the floor, her legs splaying in the most impressive split. Wolf whistles and screaming filled the air, and Katya grinned at her audience. It was at that moment that her eyes caught sight of someone she'd never seen before - her face illuminated by the dancing lights.She was petite and reminded Katya instantly of a Barbie-doll. She looked sickeningly innocent and sweet, as if she would taste of honey. She was gazing at Katya with wonder, much like the other faces in the crowd, but Katya sensed something different about her - something almost fairy-like. Katya herself became captivated, and she almost - not quite, but almost - forgot to finish her number.





	1. Fire when the strobe hits

**Author's Note:**

> *tw: mild drug references*
> 
> hello, hi!  
> this is my first fic & my first time posting to Ao3!
> 
> the story is hugely inspired by the greatest showman & my love of drama simultaneously. 
> 
> latrice owns a Big Gay Circus where katya features as a provocactive/gymnastics dancer. (u r welcome)
> 
> but what happens when a cute little stranger captures her interest?
> 
> i'm on tumblr as moastarc.tumblr.com
> 
> *huuuuge thank you to my proof-reader & supporter, elliot! ;)*

It was a beautiful night in Los Angeles.

Katya was staring dreamily at the crescent moon, a cigarette lingering between her index and middle fingers. Every time she took a hit, she watched the vapour rise into the sky and evaporate amongst the stars. She closed her eyes and took a moment to really breathe - she fondly called this exercise her 'pre-show chill'. She knew she was due to command the stage at any minute, but this ritual was sacred, and should not be rushed.

She was rudely disturbed by a loud crashing behind her, and a muffled curse. The rooftop door swung open, and revealed a heavily sweating man, in full, unapologetic drag. Katya turned on her heels, her eyebrow raised as she took in the scene. Roy - no, Bianca - was fumbling with her towering ginger wig at the same time as trying to tug her ridiculously long gown from where it was caught in the door. " _Fuck_!" she rasped, sounding much more like Roy right now than Bianca, Katya thought fondly.

"Oh, mama," Katya grinned at her friend, noticing the vein in his head throbbing. "What a mess."

"You!" Bianca swung an accusing claw at her. "Get in here now, you witchy bitch! You're on any minute, and I couldn't find you anywhere! And for fuck sake, will you help me with this - agh - friggin' _GOWN_?"

Katya's face broke out into a grimace, and she slapped her knee with amusement. "Oh, Bee," she flicked the end of her cigarette out into the dark abyss, and she took a moment to watch the ash fly slowly out of sight before trotting over to her damsel in distress.

Bianca's face looked like it was about to explode - even through the pounds of carefully applied make-up, Katya could make out the creeping redness. "Come here," she wheezed, amusement lacing her words, before tugging lightly on the folds of Bianca's dress. The trail released easily, and Bianca glared at Katya, who smiled sweetly back at her.

Bianca's face softened, and she sighed. "Okay, queen," a tiny smile played on her lips. "I've done my number and I'm about ready to get fucked up. It's your turn. Now get out there, your public awaits."

*

The crowd was positively buzzing with raw energy.

Katya lingered side-stage, scoping out her audience with interest. She immediately picked out the regular offenders - Raja, Courtney and Jay - and a grin bloomed on Katya's face. She adored her dysfunctional little family, and it warmed her little gay heart how frequently they came to see the Cirque just to support her.

Katya was embezzled in sequins tonight - giving a dripping in jewels fantasy - and had chosen a very sexy black heel. She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder, knowing she looked _good_.

Her moment of shameless self-love was broken by an announcement from Latrice - I mean, with that beautiful, booming voice, how could it not be? - now striding centre-stage. "Ladies and gentle- _MEN_!" the last syllable was little less than a yell. "I am pleased to announce our next act of the evening, here at the _fabulous_ Cirque." Katya can't help but feel a fondness in her bones for the ringmaster - he was nothing less than fabulous himself. He towered above most common folk, was anything but slim, and was louder than a foghorn. That being said, he was the kindest soul Katya had ever had the pleasure to meet.

"She's bendy, she's wiry, she's sexy as _hell_ , bitch," Latrice waggled his eyebrows and the crowd went wild, spurring him on with their energy. From the sidelines, Katya held her breath.

"It's -

YEKATERINA

PETROVNA

ZAMO-LOD-CHIK-O- _VA!_ "

Latrice shuffled excitedly off-stage, and the lights dimmed. The crowd were cheering deafeningly now, and Katya swore she could hear Courtney's screaming above them all.

Lana Del Rey's "Million Dollar Man" started to play, weaving a spell on the eagerly awaiting crowd. Katya herself became tangled up in the spell, and she gracefully stepped out to meet the booming applause.

She turned to gaze at the many pairs of eyes all trained on her, and she gave a flirtatious smile before biting down on her finger. The reaction of the people at her feet gave her a thrill - she can do the simplest of things, and have them all begging her for more. She threw her arms out gracefully, pulling her hands back to caress her body and lose herself in the song. Her hands ran from her breasts to her torso - slowly, teasingly - and down to her hips. She then licked a finger suggestively, and ran her hand over her crotch, raising her eyebrows at her captivated crowd. She glided closer to the edge of the stage, taking exaggerated steps to show off her boots. She bent her knees and pushed her whole body backwards, so all the people could see was her legs. There was a collective gasp at that, and Katya smiled, before shuffling like a graceful crab to the side so that all could see her body bent impressively in a 'n' shape. She rose to a stand and glided back to the centre.

Katya leaned against a pole that was placed centre-stage, and dropped slowly to the floor, her legs splaying in the most impressive split. Wolf whistles and screaming filled the air, and Katya grinned at her audience. It was at that moment that her eyes caught sight of someone she'd never seen before - her face illuminated by the dancing lights.

She was petite and reminded Katya instantly of a Barbie-doll. She looked sickeningly innocent and sweet, as if she would taste of honey. She was gazing at Katya with wonder, much like the other faces in the crowd, but Katya sensed something different about her - something almost fairy-like. Katya herself became captivated, and she almost - not quite, but almost - forgot to finish her number. Tearing her eyes away from the adorable stranger, Katya shot a wink in the direction of her friends, who were jumping up and down amongst the madness.

She dropped slowly to the floor, spreading her body provocatively against the wooden stage, and accepted the abundant offering of tips from those closest to her - boy and girl alike.

The song came to an end and Katya rose to stand, and bow, against the thunderous applause. Latrice skittered across the stage to stand at Katya's side, beads of sweat glistening across his forehead.

"Now that," Latrice boomed into his mic, clasping a strong hand on Katya's back. "Was enough to turn me straight. HA-HA! No, of course I'm kidding. GIVE IT UP FOR OUR OWN MISS ZAMO-LOD-CHIK-O- _VA!_ "

Katya smiled into the second round of cheers, casting a darting eye into the crowd to find the sweet stranger, only to be mildly disappointed at the realisation that she was gone.

*

"Zamo, you just get better every time."

Courtney was leaning against the bar, tapping her acrylic nails against the wood as she impatiently awaited her drinks.

Katya smiled at her. "Thanks, mama."

Courtney eventually handed Katya a cocktail, complete with a tiny umbrella. Katya cocked a questioning eyebrow at her for a heartbeat, before Courtney hissed; "It's a virgin, girl."

Katya pursed her lips around the straw, being careful not to smudge her lipstick. "Where's Jay and Raja?" She mumbled through tentative sips. Courtney tossed her perfect blonde hair over her shoulder with a mildly bored expression.

"Oh, I don't know," she sighed dramatically, waving a perfectly manicured hand in a vague direction. "I think they went for a smoke."

"Doesn't sound like a bad idea," Katya grinned, well aware of Courtney's disdain for the smoker's break. Courtney's lip twitched before she mirrored Katya's smile. "Girl, you deserve it," She slapped an encouraging hand on Katya's arm. "You go ahead. I want to watch Violet."

Violet certainly was one to watch - an aerial artist, who never failed to snatch a few wigs, and a perfect final act of the cirque.

Katya fought through the heaving crowd to the cool evening air outside. She spotted Jay immediately - how could she not, they were wearing all baby pink with glittery platform shoes, complete with a cap that spelled out "werk" in cheap gem stones - talking rapidly with the quietly towering Raja beneath a palm tree. As Katya made her way over to them, flipping a cigarette out from the stash in her bra, she thought (and not for the first time) what a strange couple they made.

"And so I says to him...oh, AYO! SIS!" Jay spun around immediately when they noticed Katya drifting towards them.

Katya saluted at Jay and couldn't help but notice a scattering of dust beneath his nostrils. Jay threw their arms around Katya and trapped her in a vice-like grip. Katya wound her hand around Jay's back to pat them gently, glancing at Raja. Raja's dark, hooded eyes regarded her for a moment, before giving her a little shrug.

"Hey, you were great, as always," Raja murmured - their voice always sounded like black silk, and Katya loved it. "Jay here was getting their life."

But Jay wasn't paying attention - their perfectly shaped eyebrow was raised in questioning, looking past Katya's shoulder. Katya turned to follow their gaze, and she was surprised to find the sugar plum fairy from the audience - the one who had momentarily captivated her.

"Hey," she smiled sweetly, her cheeks blooming red with - what? Embarrassment? Warmth? Alcohol? Katya laughed nervously, regretting her actions immediately. "I-uh, sorry, I wasn't laughing at you, I swear," Katya's words came out in a messy tumble, and she was acutely aware that her friends were watching this exchange with barely muted interest.

The girl in front of her looked somewhat taken aback, but she continued none-the-less. "I just wanted to say I really loved your performance. I mean, you probably get this a lot, but your dancing is pretty compelling."

Katya snorted. "Yeah, it usually compels people to leave the room."

The girl's face broke out with glee, and a loud laugh-scream hybrid escaped her lips. Katya felt a buzz from this reaction, and she started to laugh herself, broken by wheezing.

"I'm Trixie," the girl said, wiping a tear from her eye. Katya took a moment to examine her face - her make-up was a _lot_ , her winged eyeliner creeping across her face and her contour cutting sharp lines into her cheeks. Katya liked it, she realised, and re-visited the idea that this girl could quite literally be a Barbie, complete with all the pink and blonde curls. 

"Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova," Katya grinned, offering Trixie her hand. "But you can call me Katya."

Trixie took Katya's hand with amusement - Katya noticed how clammy her hand must've felt in Trixie's cool, soft one - before the air was broken by a loud caterwauling, not dissimilar to a cat. Trixie turned on her cowboy boots to greet the person responsible for the din.

"Babe," a girl appeared behind her, fashioning an all-denim body suit that glittered in the yellow light of the streetlamps. "Where were you?"

Katya regarded the new addition to the scene with a stiff lip - she was stunning. Her eyes were painted with glittering blue eye shadow to match her outfit, and her perfect blonde hair was streaked with every colour of the rainbow. "Sorry girl," Trixie grinned at her, a clear note of admiration in her voice. Katya felt an unexpected stab of jealousy. "I was talking to the star of the show." The other girl noticed Katya for the first time - she was chewing gum incessantly, and Katya was reminded just how much she _hated_ that.

"Oh, hey," the girl muttered, sounding bored.

"This is my girlfriend, Willam," Trixie snaked her arm around the smaller girl, but Willam ducked out of her hug and grasped Trixie's wrist. "Come on, babe, Violet is due on any minute, and she is _fierce_!"

Trixie shrugged apologetically at Katya, allowing herself to be lead back to the heat of the club. Katya watched her go, her face pinched sourly. Jay appeared at her side. "You look pissed," they chortled, slapping Katya playfully on her arm. "Better look next time, sis. You know you can have anyone you want."

Yes. Katya did know that. The thing is, she didn't usually want anyone. Not for more than a moment of heat in the club's bathroom, or gracing a stranger's bed for a night. But Trixie - Trixie had captivated her interest from the moment she saw her, and Katya was not ready for that. Oh, _not at all._


	2. It only gets better the more you see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya's mouth went dry at the sight of Trixie trotting delicately towards them, and Katya couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked in the light of day. Trixie's eyes widened in recognition when she saw Katya, and a bright smile broke her pink lips. "Oh, wow," she breathed, amused. "We meet again, Katya."
> 
> Courtney glared at Katya for a heartbeat or two. Katya was simply grinning, offering her hand to Trixie. "Au Chante," she murmured, planting a kiss on Trixie's hand after she placed it in her own. Trixie responded to this with a nervous giggle. Courtney's eyes narrowed further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tw: mention of drugs*
> 
> full disclosure, i have already wrote 6 chapters of this fic, but i'm feeding them to you slowly...ish.
> 
> katya is a cutie, but she's wearing rose-tinted glasses. ~foreshadowing~
> 
> i don't think i mentioned this originally, but this fic is also inspired by this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7Ve8ExE8YY & the chapters are named from the lyrics.
> 
> i know it's another short chapter but the next one is longer, i promise.
> 
> i hope you all enjoy - please give me your feedback! xox
> 
> tumblr: moastarc.tumblr.com
> 
> elliot is my precious proof reading babe & i'm eternally grateful

Beams of sunlight broke Katya's peaceful dozing, and she eased her eyelids open.

As usual, she was awake at the crack of dawn, despite not falling into bed before 3am. The rest of the night had been relatively uneventful, if you didn't count a drunken Bianca straddling a eager fan by the bar.

Katya stretched luxuriously beneath her sheets, revelling in her post-slumber emptiness. That was, before she remembered Trixie.

Katya sat bolt upright, a frown playing on her brow. Why did her mind wander to the pixie princess every moment she wasn't busy? Trixie was not even her type, not really...she was far too sweet for someone like Katya, whose darkness could only ever blend with more darkness.

She recalled the few, fleeting moments she and Trixie had crossed paths again - she had bumped her back against Trixie's on the dance floor, and she has spun to face her, sweat making her blonde hair stick to her forehead. Trixie had laughed with joy, her eyes dancing in the flashing lights, clearly a little drunk. Katya had smiled and offered a hand to her, before Willam had interjected and shooed Trixie away.

The third and final time they saw each other was little more than a glance at closing time, when Katya was flanked by the rest of the Cirque.

Katya shook her head, symbolically cleansing herself of her Trixie-fever, before stepping out of bed.

Katya loved her room - it reflected the very essence of her darkness. She had a moon calendar displayed on her door, where she carefully tracked it's daily phases. She had crystals of all shapes and sizes lining her dusty windowsill, except her favourite, which was forever dangling from her neck on a chain - a thin piece of amethyst.

Her prize possession, the bookcase, stood against her back wall and overflowed with knowledge she had been carefully collecting. Novels of all shapes and sizes were precariously stacked and their colourful spines were screaming to be read.

It wasn't much, Katya knew, but it was more than enough for her.

Katya padded to the kitchen in her socks and oversized t-shirt, dropping into a stool at the kitchen bar after clicking the kettle on. After a few silent moments of hearing nothing but the clacking of her own nails against the wooden surface, Katya was startled by a loud moaning from the doorway.

There was Bianca - now very much Roy again - stumbling dramatically into the room with a pained expression. Last night's eyeliner had run tracks down his cheeks, and his lips were stained red. He barely registered Katya as he shuffled past her, opting to steal her hot water the moment the kettle announced it was ready.

"Hey!" Katya exclaimed, her lips pursed with annoyance. "That's _mine_."

Roy turned slowly to face Katya, his eyes dark with an unspoken threat. Katya threw her hands up and stifled a giggle. In his defence, she did know better than to speak a word to him before his morning coffee, hangover or no.

After a few quiet minutes of the pair sipping at their mugs, Roy finally broke the silence. "Agh," he muttered, wincing. "I am _never_ drinking again."

Katya couldn't help but smile. "You say that every week, mama."

Roy was poised to bite back at that remark, but he sighed instead. "I can't argue with that."

"So it's a Netflix and chill day for you, then?" Katya mused casually, inclining her head towards Roy's open door. Roy made a sound like a strangled cat.

"Oh, _no_ ," he gasped. "I kicked that little dweeb out hours ago. He was incredibly annoying with that whiny-ass voice." Roy shuddered at the memory.

Katya chortled, delighted. "I love you, Roy. You're my favourite. Do you know that?"

Roy rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. "And you're a dork wearing a t-shirt that says 'sad goth'. What's that all about?"

Katya gasped in mock-offence, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. "This was a gift from Raja!"

"Figures," Roy sniggered, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

Katya's phone vibrated on the table, and she snatched it into her hand to open the text.

 

_**Courtney** hey, I’m sure ur awake as always. do u wanna come do some touristy shit w us? Jay is crazy hungover lol_

 

_**Katya** touristy shit?! girl why, we’ve been living in L.A for a while now!_

 

_**Courtney** I kno bitch, I met someone last night who’s new to the area and I offered to show her around. come, it’ll be fun! if jay ever stops puking that is._

 

Katya chuckled out loud, and Roy raised a questioning eyebrow at her.

 

_**Katya** ooh, you met a woman? does this mean you’re off the dick again? :p_

 

 _ **Courtney** Zamo, I will _ never _be off the dick. we are meeting at 11 so get urself ready. love u bye_

 

Katya rose from her seat with a long stretch.

“Off out?” Roy asked, clearly not too invested in the answer as he examined his fingernails.

Katya nodded. “Touristy shit.”

Roy snorted. “I can think of nothing worse.”

*

Katya ambled through the busy West Hollywood streets, her hair hanging in expertly crafted plaits against her cheeks. She tipped her sunglasses over her eyes against the 30 degree glare as she made her way to meet her friends, humming tunelessly as she so often did.

She spotted Courtney almost immediately. She was leaning against a palm tree, her hair in perfect waves. Her tiny denim shorts framed her muscled legs and she wore a red plaid shirt. “Courtney Act!” Katya galloped excitedly towards her. “Serving lipstick lesbian realness! This girl must be some good pussy!”

Courtney winced. “You know I hate it when you say that word.”

Katya almost stumbled over Jay in her haste to get to Courtney - Jay, who was currently sprawled out face-down against the grass, groaning loudly. Katya tapped them tentatively with her boot. “Are they okay?”

Courtney groaned herself in return. “You know their breaks from cocaine are never for very long. _GET UP, JAY!_ You’re embarrassing me.”

Katya regarded Courtney with interest. She was often curt - _Curtney,_ Katya thought with amusement - but today she was full-blown bitch queen.

Katya was surprised to realise that Courtney was clearly anxious.

“Hey Court, are you okay?” she probed gently.

Courtney met Katya’s kindly gaze, and sighed. “I’m just-“ she bit her lip. “Nervous, I guess. You know I don’t often crush on women.”

Katya knew that much was true. She smiled encouragingly. “So...tell me about her?”

Courtney’s striking blue eyes lit up for a moment. “She’s really cute,” she mused. “She just moved here from Wisconsin, so she was really interested to hear about life in L.A.”

Katya couldn’t recall seeing Courtney with an adorable stranger last night, so she figured they must’ve met when she was sharing a drink with the Cirque - a common ritual after every show. "What's her name?"

Courtney resorted to playing with a strand of her hair. "Trixie."

 _Trixie_? Katya had to muster up all of her inner strength not to let her jaw drop.

Courtney noticed the change in air, however, and raised an enquiring eyebrow. "Hey, Zamo, are you okay?" She paused, then chuckled. "I was going to say you look like you've seen a ghost, but you'd probably like that."

Katya laughed nervously, wringing her hands together. "Um. She has a girlfriend."

This was all she could think to say, and she felt stupid the moment the words left her lips.

Courtney frowned. "How do you kno-" She stopped dead in her tracks.

Katya's mouth went dry at the sight of Trixie trotting delicately towards them, and Katya couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked in the light of day. Trixie's eyes widened in recognition when she saw Katya, and a bright smile broke her pink lips. "Oh, wow," she breathed, amused. "We meet again, Katya."

Courtney glared at Katya for a heartbeat or two. Katya was simply grinning, offering her hand to Trixie. "Au Chante," she murmured, planting a kiss on Trixie's hand after she placed it in her own. Trixie responded to this with a nervous giggle. Courtney's eyes narrowed further.

"I didn't know you knew each other," Trixie beamed, glancing at Courtney for the first time. Courtney's glare vanished in an instant, but her tone was clear. "Yeah, uh," she shot a steely glance in Katya's direction. "Neither did I."

"Oh, we met at the Cirque," Katya explained, a note of apology in her voice. Jay stirred at their feet, making noises that Katya imagined would only come from the undead.

Trixie gasped, noticing them for the first time. "Are they _okay_?"

Courtney rolled her eyes and stooped to Jay's level. "They'll be fine," she flashed a smile at Trixie, before sharply prodding Jay in the ribs. "Up and at 'em, Jay, we're hiking."

Jay raised their head, looking like they would rather do anything else. "Why me?" They wailed miserably, banging their fists against the grass like a child.

"The Hollywood sign is _lame_ , sis! You can go anywhere in L.A and see trash, why go all the way there for it?"

"Because Trixie has never been," Courtney hissed, gripping their arm like a vice and attempting to haul them to their feet.

Jay obliged after a moment, begrudgingly.

*

Katya scuffed dust into the air with her feet, watching the clouds rise above her knees. She had hiked this trail countless times since her move to L.A from Boston, and she knew the winding track like it was her own. It wasn't until a few moments of silent daydreaming had passed that Katya noticed that Trixie had hung back from the others to walk in-step with her.

She was wearing a delicate baby-pink dress with a similar cowboy boot to the ones she wore the night before. Her hair was ... _big,_ Katya realised, full of volume, and a pair of round pink sunglasses rested on the bridge of her nose. They walked along in silence for a while, with Trixie gazing in awe at her surroundings. Katya found it - and her - very endearing.

"So...I want to know about the Cirque," Trixie mumbled, her breath coming in little gasps and they trudged further around the track. Katya's smile cracked her drying lips. "What do you want to know?"

Trixie's dark eyes met Katya's for a moment. "Everything."

And so, Katya told the story of the Cirque. She told Trixie how Latrice was once a humble owner of the club they now performed in. His dream had always been to host Broadway shows, but that dream had never come to pass. Instead, Latrice chased a different, and arguably more admirable dream - to create a place where the troubled LGBTQ could come to work in safety. Trixie listened to the story with fascination, her face contorted with wonder.

"What about the Cirque itself?"

"Latrice combined his love of theatre with the gay scene," Katya explained, revelling in Trixie's interest. "Once his club became a well-known gay bar, he started holding auditions for the weird and the wonderful. And so, the Cirque was born." She announced the last sentence as if she herself was the ringmaster, throwing her arms out with reverie.

"What about you?" Trixie breathed. "How did you get to be there?"

Katya had been asked this question more times than she was willing to count - by her friends, by her nightly conquests, by her parents...and she had always woven a dull tale together to hide from the truth. But for whatever reason, she couldn't bring herself to spout her well-rehearsed story this time. Her tongue felt like a dry lump in her mouth.

"I-" she stuttered, feeling the ever-familiar fear rising from her gut. "I-I don't want want to talk about it." She quickly averted her eyes, guilt and shame tinting her cheeks red.

She was startled when Trixie brushed her hand with her own for a moment, causing her to look up cautiously. Trixie's face was pinched in sympathy, and Katya felt a stab of anger at herself for showing this level of vulnerability to a stranger.

"I think I'll like it here," Trixie nodded to herself, gazing around at her surroundings once more. Katya released a shuddering breath, grateful for the change of topic. "L.A is great," Katya agreed. "What made you want to move?"

"Oh, I was over Milwaukee," she mumbled, her own eyes averted into the dust like Katya's had just a moment ago. "I had a pretty rough childhood with my step-dad, and even though he's gone now, I felt like my memories stopped me from being able to grow."

Katya admired Trixie then, wishing she could reciprocate her openness. "That's really brave," she mumbled, referring to more than Trixie could possibly know.

"Oh, not really," Trixie laughed self-consciously, fiddling with her sunglasses. "Willam helped a lot...she made it all happen." There was a softness in her voice that Katya couldn't help but envy.

"So...you guys," Katya pushed herself to say. "How long have you been together?"

"A year," Trixie replied. She paused before heaving a sigh. "It can be tough sometimes. Willam is..." Trixie was interrupted by a jubilant yell from up ahead.

"Come on, bitches!" Jay bellowed - clearly the hike had deflected his hangover. "We're nearly there!"

Katya silently cursed to herself - she was guilty to realise that she wanted to hear what was tough about being with Willam.

"Coming!" Katya called, striding quickly, with Trixie close behind. They caught up to Courtney and Jay before long, panting slightly with the effort. Trixie turned to admire the vast city and beyond, with Katya staring wistfully at her.

"Nice, huh?" Courtney smirked at nobody in particular.

"It's beautiful," Trixie whispered. "I want to see it at night."

"I'll bring you," Katya replied without missing a beat. She could almost feel Courtney's scrutiny burning against the back of her head.

"I'd like that." Trixie tilted her head towards Katya, beaming.

*

"So..."

Courtney and Katya were sprawled on their respective bean bags at Courtney's apartment, physically wiped out from their hot trek. Raja was bouncing lightly in a hanging seat not far away, toking lightly on an expertly crafted spliff.

"You and Trixie seemed cosy, huh?"

Katya winced at her words, acutely aware that this morning's trip was a veiled attempt at Courtney getting to know Trixie. She placed a hand on Courtney's knee. "I didn't do it on purpose, I swear." she mumbled sincerely, her blue eyes meeting Courtney's own. "Besides..." she turned away again, to avoid Courtney seeing her pained expression. "Trixie is with Willam...she's happy with Willam." Katya wondered who those words were really meant to convince - Courtney, or herself.

"Oh girl, I don't really care. I barely knew her. I just got a craving for something sweet." She laughed at that, her beautiful head thrown back. Katya smiled weakly. She was a good friend.

"What were you two talking about, anyway?"

Katya regarded Courtney for a moment, her eyes reflecting her dreaminess. "Everything." 

***


	3. Bet you looking for something new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That one had to be a shooting star," Trixie slurred, waving her hand towards nowhere in particular. Katya barked a laugh.
> 
> "Nope, still just a satellite." Katya had dropped to a crouch beside her.
> 
> Trixie pouted. "I want to see the stars."
> 
> "Oh mama, you won't see any here." Katya took a final drag of her cigarette before flicking the end into a pot a handful of metres away.
> 
> Trixie placed her hands on Katya's knee, and leaned closely into her, her face only inches from Katya's. "Take me to see the stars, Katya," she whispered, batting her eyelashes.
> 
> Katya shoved her gently away with a chuckle. "Not tonight, Tracy. You're too drunk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tw: light drug use*
> 
> HAPPY PRIDE MONTH, Y'ALL!  
> i'm celebrating by bringing you another chapter.
> 
> this time, it's trixie's pov...there's drama, and a little taste of wixie smut. :x
> 
> the image on the cups is a reference to bill bailey's love ballad - he's my favourite comedian.
> 
> i hope you enjoy...let me know that you think! xox
> 
> as always, thank u elliot for ur support <3

Trixie's eyes fluttered open, and she was greeted by the welcoming sight of her girlfriend's bare back poking out from the duvet. She smiled sleepily, shuffling closer to her to plant a soft kiss on her shoulder. Willam winced violently beneath Trixie's lips, and shrugged away quickly. Trixie, in her sleepy daze, was overwhelmed with confusion.

"Willam?" She croaked, failing to notice that Willam was taking special care to stash her phone out of sight.

"Y-yeah, babe?" she stammered in reply, her back still turned away from Trixie. "Sorry, you just-- woke me up, and I was surprised."

"Oh," Trixie wasn't buying the lie. She had known Willam long enough.

"I'm gonna shower," Willam announced shakily, before padding quickly across the carpet to the bathroom, her eyes avoiding Trixie's.

Trixie was left in a bewildered state, unsure of what to make of Willam's strange mood. She stretched herself across Willam's side of the bed, and heard her phone vibrate loudly under the pillow beneath her.

Without thinking, Trixie fished the phone out, and glanced at the illuminated screen.

 

 _ **TRADE** _  
_You have a new message!_

 

  
_Trade?_ Trixie felt a lump rise in her throat, which she tried desperately to swallow.

She shoved the phone where she found it, and quickly grasped her own to google what this app might be, though she had an awful feeling she may already know.

Willam stepped out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam, a towel wrapped carefully around her head. When the smoke cleared, she couldn't avoid Trixie's eyes bearing into her, a thousand unasked questions in their depths.

"Wh-why do you have this?" Trixie asked weakly, her words choked with sadness.

Willam could only gaze at her helplessly. She clearly saw no use in pretending anymore. "I-I was just... _looking_."

"Looking?" Trixie stuttered. "Willam...you said you didn't want to hook anymore. I thought we were - moving on, moving up. Together." Her eyes stung with unshod tears.  
Willam's face was the picture of misery. All she could do was shake her head, and sigh.

*

Trixie's phone had vibrated a dozen or so times in the last minute, but she was simply too disheartened to care.

Willam had left for work shortly after their uncomfortable exchange that morning, and they hadn't spoke again. Trixie had resigned herself to a human-burrito, wrapped up in a soft blanket on the sofa. For a while she had shovelled fistfulls of her favourite sweet popcorn into her mouth whilst watching terrible rom-com's on Netflix, but now she simply lay face-down and un-moving.

After the 17th consecutive vibrate, Trixie sighed dramatically and snatched her phone off the coffee table, intending to turn her phone onto silent. When she looked at the screen, she realised she had been added to a group-chat named "CELEBRATION!!!!11!", which no doubt explained the incessant buzzing. Curiosity got the better of her though, so she opened it.

 

_**Trixie** was added to the conversation_

  
_**Katya:** you GUYS! i am so hyped, i can't even believe it_

  
_**Kennedy:** you better believe it baby, we're going to Chicago!_

  
_**Violet:** ;)_

  
_**Courtney:** ok so we have established that i am hosting the party right?_

  
_**Raja:** WE_

  
_**Courtney:** alrite, fuck. we_

  
_**Raja:** (y)_

  
_**Courtney:** is this fri gd for everyone?_

  
_**Katya:** pizza fridays?! but Court. you _ love _pizza fridays!_

  
_**Courtney:** Zamo, we can hav pizza friday any time. its not every day the cirque gets invited to chicago!_

  
_**Katya:** shut up!! i'll explode i'm so excited_

  
_**Latrice:** yess bitchhh! you all deserve it, I'm so happy! Friday is good for me, yes ma'am_

  
_**Violet:** I'll be there girl_

  
_**Kennedy:** I can't make no promises, but I'll try, ladies_

  
_**Latrice:** ahem_

  
_**Raja:** ahem_

  
_**Kenndey:** sorry...and gentlemen...and Raja_

  
_**Raja:** :)_

  
_**Jay** was added to the conversation_

  
_**Courtney:** wtf, whose bright idea was it to add jay?_

  
_**Jay:** I'm djing, bitches!_

  
_**Courtney:** no ur not_

  
_**Raja:** no you're not_

  
_**Jay:** way to piss on my dream, guys_

  
_**Katya:** hey Trixie...are you coming?_

 

Trixie, after trying to process this chaotic back and forth, was incredibly confused. Chicago? The Cirque? She decided to text Katya separately from the group.

 

_**Trixie:** Sorry, I've only just seen the group invite. What's going on?_

 

Katya began typing her reply immediately.

 

 _ **Katya:** oh my god, Trixie, I can barely believe it_  
_Someone from Chicago came to see our show last week_  
_And they LOVED IT!_  
_They own a gay bar in Chicago and they want us to go for a show!!1 skdfnd!_

 

Trixie found Katya's excitement quite sweet, and she smiled, despite her state of misery. She tried to muster up as much enthusiasm as she could - at least it was easier over text.

 

 _ **Trixie:** wow, congratulations! that's really amazing!_  
_so I guess you're celebrating this Friday?_

  
_**Katya:** yes! I hope you'll come_

 

Trixie placed her phone down for a moment, a sudden weariness creeping in. She decided she would reply later, and did what she meant to do a while ago - and turned her phone on silent.

*

Friday dawned a little overcast - the pale clouds were shadowing the sun, and Trixie felt like the weather was cruelly reflecting her heart. She was stood and staring out of the bedroom window, all wrapped up in her endless thoughts.

She and Willam had only made short, polite conversation since Trixie found the app. It was more of a obligation than a desire when they did speak. Trixie noticed that Willam sometimes opened her mouth, looking like she wanted to speak, but she then quickly closed it again.

The evening before, Trixie had made veggie fajitas for dinner and had slammed her extra wraps down in front of Willam, making a sharp clattering sound on the coffee table. For a very brief and fleeting moment, Willam had responded the way she normally would: "Girl, what crawled up your ass today?"

Trixie knew her feelings were justified, but her execution was somewhat childish, and she knew it. Sure she can be sweet, which is the side of her she chooses to show for most of the time, but she can also be a brat. Nobody's perfect.

Today, her mood was dark. Her stubbornness against speaking to Willam was strong, despite her logical side knowing it would help improve the situation. Why should she initiate the conversation, though? Willam was the one in the wrong.

As if summoned by her thoughts, Trixie felt an arm snake around her middle.

"Hey," Willam breathed against her ear, and despite herself, Trixie felt a little shiver.

"I'm mad at you," Trixie muttered, feeling a confusing cocktail of anger, hurt, and arousal. Willam's lips were touching her neck now, very lightly.

She felt Willam's hands travel the length of her curves, slowly, deliberately. Trixie stifled a small gasp, closing her eyes against the bliss of a knowing touch. Willam's mouth hovered on her shoulder, and her breath made Trixie's hair stand on end.

"I know," she murmured into her neck, gripping Trixie's hips tightly. "You should show me."

Trixie's stomach somersaulted. She wasn't often prone to being dominant, but something about the emotions coursing through her veins and the eagerness of Willam's voice made her long for it.

"Get on the bed," Trixie ordered quietly, her voice like ice. Willam didn't move.

"Make me," she breathed, nipping Trixie's neck a little too hard.

Trixie's rage began to bubble. "Willam," she turned to face her, a serious frown on her face. Willam merely smiled at her in return.

Trixie grabbed Willam's wrist roughly, and dragged her to the bed. She took satisfaction in the clear surprise on Willam's face. She was stronger than she let anyone believe.

Willam pushed herself back up, testing Trixie's patience. Trixie responded by slamming Willam against the wall of their bedroom. Willam was staring at Trixie, her breath coming in gasps. Trixie felt powerful in that moment.

She began to kiss Willam, heavily, messily, running her hands through her hair and tugging at it. Willam met Trixie's kiss eagerly, her hands starting to roam. Trixie immediately stopped kissing her, and grasped both of her wrists. "No," she whispered, shaking her head, before pinning both of them against the wall above Willam's head.

After a few moments of hot, messy kissing, Trixie began to tear Willam's clothes off. She pulled her shirt over her head rapidly, and dropped to her knees to pull down her pants. Willam was breathing heavily now, allowing Trixie to do whatever she wanted.

Trixie gazed sweetly up at Willam, her hands on Willam's thighs. "Don't ever forget," Trixie murmured, as she started to litter her skin with little love-bites. "You are mine."

*

Trixie and Willam were a messy tangle of limbs a handful of hours later. Willam's hair was wild from Trixie's incessant pulling, and her skin was bruised across her thighs. Trixie was spent - her anger all but gone. She wondered why she didn't do this sooner, feeling completely satisfied as she watched the smoke from Willam's cigarette dance in the air.

"I'm going out later," Trixie stated simply. Willam looked over at her with slight surprise.

"Yeah? Where to?"

"Courtney's. The Cirque are celebrating going to Chicago."

Willam didn't respond. She simply took a long, hard drag on her cigarette.

"Do you want to come?"

There was a pause. "Nah, I'm busy."

The cloud of anger that had momentarily evaporated began to rise in Trixie again. "Meeting someone?"

Willam shifted uncomfortably. “No, babe. Not...like that.”

Trixie felt a trickle of guilt, which she angrily doused. “Well...I better get ready.”

She wrapped the blanket around herself and left the room - and Willam - behind.

*

Trixie was filled with apprehension as she hovered outside Courtney’s apartment. She was pleased with her outfit choice - a yellow dress that cut short, accenting her thick thighs. She spent over an hour on her make-up, dusting her eyelids with sparkling gold eye shadow and tying a yellow ribbon her hair, 'cause dammit, she was cute.

But now she felt anxiety prickling away at her. She steeled herself to be brave - there was no other way to make friends in a new city than to actually make an effort.

The door opened and Trixie was greeted by a wave of smoke. She coughed awkwardly, squinting.

Courtney appeared once the smoke cleared, her eyes hooded with what could only be the influence of whatever they were smoking.

“Trixie, hey,” her words were drawn out slowly, and she pulled Trixie into a halfhearted hug. Trixie patted her back somewhat awkwardly in return. Willam had always been a big smoker, but it had never appealed much to Trixie."We weren't sure you were coming," Courtney said, ushering her inside. "You never said."

Trixie then realised she never did tell anyone that she was coming. She groaned.  
"I'm sorry, I totally forgot."

Courtney waved a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. Everyone's in the living room. The kitchen is over there - you can have whatever you want."

Courtney left her then, standing like a spare part in her hallway. Trixie stepped tentatively towards where Courtney had vaguely pointed out the kitchen, which she was surprised to see was very grand.

The counter-tops were made of polished marble, and every appliance was shining brilliantly. There was a large breakfast bar with a multitude of stools around it, and fairy lights were woven into the intricate woodwork above it. Trixie gazed around in awe, like a child in a chocolate factory. Having grown up in poverty, she was completely dumbfounded by this clear presence of comfort and wealth.

She soon found an impressive stash of booze - and she pulled free a plastic cup from the precariously stacked tower. She sniggered at the image on it - dogs dressed in deerstalkers and smoking pipes.

She poured herself a vodka-heavy screwdriver, hoping to quell her nerves, and she ventured towards the living room.

The living room was beautiful - it was spacious, but still felt cosy. There was a scattering of hanging seats, bean bags, and sofas. A huge TV hung on the wall in the corner, and an even larger stereo was playing softly nearby. Like the kitchen, fairy lights were strung across the ceiling and gave the room a magical air. Trixie became acutely aware that Courtney was rich.

There were people milling around the room with drinks in hand. Some she recognised - Raja, Jay, Courtney and, _oh wow_ , Violet, from the Cirque.

She shuffled awkwardly towards them with a shaky smile on her lips. Raja noticed her and smiled, raising their own cup in greeting. At that moment, Katya burst into the room with a crash.

"I'm _here_ ," she yelled, throwing her arms out with emphasis. "The party can begin."

"Don't flatter yourself, Zamo," Courtney grinned wickedly, and Trixie noticed she was sat between the legs of a tall, very cute boy, who was clearly as stoned as Courtney was.

"Hey, Katya," Trixie called, vividly remembering their comforting words on the way to the Hollywood sign and back. She liked Katya. It wasn't often that she immediately clicked with someone the way they had seemed to. Katya's eyes lit up at the sight of her, and she bounded over. "Hey, Trixie Mattel!" Katya beamed. "I didn't know you were coming!"

"It was kinda a last-minute decision," she admitted with a half-smile on her lips. Katya cocked her head slightly, and Trixie was worried that she may ask why she didn't reply when asked, but thankfully Katya turned to the group instead.

"Well, let me introduce you to everyone!" she beckoned Trixie forward. "This is Latrice, the ringmaster," she mused enthusiastically, pointing to the incredibly heavy-set man who Trixie recognised from the show. He smiled warmly at her, giving a little wave. "You know the squad already," she dipped her head towards Raja, Jay, and Courtney. "That's Violet." She pointed towards the incredibly beautiful woman Trixie had watched hanging impressively from the ceiling only a week ago. She was dressed in a dazzling purple bodysuit, her make up harsh and dark on her otherwise pretty face. She almost looked bored as she nodded at Trixie.

"That's Milk," Katya inclined her head to the man whose legs were wrapped around Courtney.

"Milk?" Trixie hissed, stifling a giggle.

"No one knows his real name." Katya muttered mysteriously, her face serious.

"Is he part of the Cirque?"

"Oh, sure. He breathes fire."

Trixie was taken aback. "Oh damn, where was he last week?"

"Sorry to miss that, were you?" Katya laughed, her head tilting backwards. "Maybe next time."

"Alright, bitches!" Jay hollered, jumping out of their seat. Trixie almost spilled her screwdriver down herself in fright. "As the DJ and co-host, I announce that we commence...THE DRINKING GAMES." They slammed their hand against the glass coffee table spread out amongst the beanbags.

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Sure thing, buttercup," she shuffled comfortably against Milk, much like a cat. "but you're still not the DJ."

*

A handful of hours and a multitude of drinking games had passed, taking their toll on Trixie. After a revealing round of "never have I ever", where both Trixie and Katya had lost their breath from laughing, there was a particularly dangerous round of beer-pong where Jay very nearly swallowed an entire golf ball.

Trixie was sat cross-legged on the grass outside, gazing up at the sky and squinting in concentration. Katya was leaning against the wall behind her, toking on a cigarette.

"That one _had_ to be a shooting star," Trixie slurred, waving her hand towards nowhere in particular. Katya barked a laugh.

"Nope, still just a satellite." Katya had dropped to a crouch beside her.

Trixie pouted. "I want to see the stars."

"Oh mama, you won't see any here." Katya took a final drag of her cigarette before flicking the end into a pot a handful of metres away.

Trixie placed her hands on Katya's knee, and leaned closely into her, her face only inches from Katya's. "Take me to see the stars, Katya," she whispered, batting her eyelashes.

Katya shoved her gently away with a chuckle. "Not tonight, Tracy. You're too drunk."

Trixie pouted again. "Are you not?"

"I don't drink."

Trixie did a double-take at that. She was certain she had witnessed Katya indulge in the drinking games the same way that everyone else had done. As if she was reading her mind, Katya waved her cup beneath Trixie's nose.

"...Orange juice."

Katya threw her arms open, and Trixie flew backwards in surprise. "Winner, winner, chicken dinner!"

"I'm a vegetarian," Trixie protested, now lying on her back against the grass. After a moment or two, Katya was lay beside her, her elbow propping her head up. Trixie ran a blade of glass between her fingers, and took a moment to really look at Katya.

She was wearing impressively high-heeled boots, and a very tight, dark dress. The dress clung to her curves and glittered in the light. Her hair was lying in waves, and her make-up was simple, but effective. Trixie wasn't sure if her beer-goggles were talking, or if she truly found Katya sexy. It was a confusing thought which she quickly chased away.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing to the stone dangling from Katya's neck.

"Amethyst," Katya explained, caressing the stone in her hands like it was a precious diamond. "It provides clarity when there's confusion in the mind."

Trixie pressed a finger to the cold, sharp stone. "I like it, 'cause it's purple."

Katya chortled. "You're funny."

Jay burst out onto the grass, materialising from nowhere. They pirouetted around Trixie and Katya, who laughed delightedly, following them with their eyes.

"Come on, lesbians!" Jay laughed, offering their hands to the pair. "It's time to dance."

*

Raja and Milk had pushed the sofas back to create a makeshift dance-floor on the caramel-coloured wooden floorboards. The fairy lights were flashing all around, casting shadows of the gyrating bodies. Trixie was flushed and drunk, spinning around the floor with Jay. She was laughing so hard that she was worried she would burst a lung.  
Katya interrupted her flight, taking her hand. "May I?" she asked Jay with a grin.

Katya spun her giddily into the fray of dancing, and Trixie nearly fell into Milk and Courtney, who were dancing incredibly close to each other. Courtney was almost riding Milk's leg, and Trixie made a gagging motion at Katya, who bent over with a wheezing laugh.

Katya then began to dance. She was really very talented at it, Trixie thought, watching her gracefully twist her body to the beat. After a moment, she grasped Trixie by the waist, and danced closely to her. Trixie gasped, her cheeks flushed. She had lost count of the screwdrivers she had knocked back, and the vile concoction Jay had passed around earlier. She began to feel a warm dizziness spread through her body as she allowed Katya to weave her dancing spell on her.

Trixie felt a second hand on her other hip, and she bent her head to see who it belonged to.

She gawped, taking a few moments to recognise Willam's contorted face against the glaring lights. She laughed delightedly, throwing her arms around her.

"Where did you come from?" Trixie slurred, nuzzling drunkenly into Willam's neck.

"I wanted to see you," Willam purred, caressing Trixie's head with a knowing touch. Trixie had a welcome flashback of their heated sex earlier, but she had fully resumed her submissive status and leaned blissfully into Willam.

"Katya, look who's here!" Trixie exclaimed, glancing around for Katya. It took a few seconds for Trixie to realise that Katya had gone.

*

Trixie stood in the kitchen with Willam, her arms wrapped delicately around Trixie's waist. They were having a moment to themselves after the frenzy of the dancing in the living room.

"So where did you go tonight?" Trixie breathed, leaning into Willam. Her hot anger had again abated, and she simply enjoyed being tangled up in her girlfriend.

"Oh you know," Willam murmured, her lips pressing against Trixie's neck. "Around."

Trixie laughed softly, tilting her head back to meet Willam in a kiss. It was then that her ignorance was broken by the sight of a huge mark on Willam's neck.

"What's that?" Trixie frowned.

Willam raised an eyebrow, looking at Trixie lazily. "What's what?"

Trixie backed away, her eyes swimming in and out of focus. "On your neck."

Willam shook her head. "Low flying bats? Come on, Trix. You bit chunks out of me earlier."

Trixie's frown deepened. She may be drunk, but like hell was she stupid. "I didn't bite your neck."

"For fuck sake, Trixie." Willam crossed her arms, her defences rising.

"Did you meet someone tonight?" Trixie asked, her eyes bearing into Willam's. "And don't lie to me, Willam."

"So _fine_ , I met someone," Willam's voice was raising. "Sue me."

Trixie gaped at Willam, hurt and rage crashing together inside her.

Willam must have noticed Trixie's trembling lip, because she changed her tone quite suddenly. "Listen," her words escaped her with a sigh. "I can explain."

"I don't want to hear it." Trixie choked, hot tears extorting her vision.

It was then that Trixie felt eyes on her. She turned towards the kitchen door and her gaze fell on a bewildered Katya, hovering uncertainly.

"Um," she said, scratching the back of her head. "I didn't mean to-"

Trixie burst into tears then, her body crumpling to the floor like paper on fire. Willam immediately stepped towards her, but Trixie waved her away between heaving sobs.

"No, Willam," she gasped, tears running down her face. "I want you to leave."

Willam's eyes were darkened with misery, and Trixie felt her heart ache. She watched Willam walk away, her body hunched over in defeat. Katya stepped aside wordlessly to let Willam pass.

Trixie's sobs were easing to a hiccup, though her chest felt like it was being beaten with invisible fists. She felt a soft hand on her head, and she gazed up through blurry eyes at a kindly Katya.

"Hey," Katya whispered, crouching to her level. "You can stay here, if you want. I was crashing in the spare room, but I'll take the sofa. Come on."

Trixie had no energy to argue, or really, any energy to do anything. She allowed Katya to lead her through the maze of the apartment until they settled inside a small bedroom. Trixie looked around numbly.

"Will you stay?" Trixie whispered. "For a while?"

Katya nodded. Trixie threw herself onto the bed in a twisted heap, and Katya perched on the edge. Trixie wriggled up to her, leaning her head against Katya's thigh.

Trixie felt Katya's fingers start to stroke her hair. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling comforted.

"I need to get away," she mumbled, her eyes still closed. Katya's fingers paused on her scalp.

"Come to Chicago," Katya breathed.

Trixie's eyes fluttered open. Yes. She would go to Chicago.

***


	4. It's something about the love of things you like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya and Trixie were huddled into the furthest corner of the nest, lying comfortably across the cushions. Trixie looked happier than Katya had seen her in recent days, her face softly reflecting the glow of the lights as she nibbled on a slice of pizza. Katya was struck with an unexpected thought - I would make her this happy all the time, if I could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have some absolute fluffy cuteness all around in this chapter...before the drama starts again :x
> 
> i actually really like this chapter. it makes my heart feel things.
> 
> trixie played landslide when i saw her in my city at the beginning of the year and honestly it was beautiful. i couldn't not.
> 
> i hope you guys enjoy it! xox
> 
> tumblr: moastarc.tumblr.com
> 
> elliot is the bEsT person <3

"Wow," Katya gasped, her eyes huge.

She was starring at a very grand and beautiful bus, its' windows tinted black and revealing nothing from within. It faded from a vibrant purple at it's head to an explosion of colour at the end. At the very back, there was a delicate stencil in the shape of a woman dangling off an aerial hoop.

"Is she beautiful or is she gorgeous?" Latrice giggled delightedly, hopping from foot to foot.

"She's _fabulous_ ," Katya breathed, grasping Latrice's arm as if to steady herself. Latrice pulled her into a crushing hug.

"What the _hell_ is that?"

Katya turned to see the rest of the Cirque had arrived, armed with piles of bags. Kennedy was staring wide-eyed at the bus, his mouth gaping open.

"What _is_ it?" he repeated in a strong Texas twang. Katya stifled a giggle, daring to cast a glance in Roy's direction.

"Really queen?" Roy quipped, his eyebrow raised at Latrice. "For the price of this monster, we could've had first class flights for the next 6 years."

Latrice beamed, his enthusiasm not at all dampened. "It was a shot in the dark, I know," he explained. "But I thought it would be worth it. We are going to go places, baby! Chicago is only the _beginning_."

"I love it," Violet grinned, inclining her head towards the stencil of the aerial hoop.

At that moment, the sound of tyres crunching over stone caused the group to look around.

Milk's battered Volkswagen camper skidded to a halt and made a concerning growling noise. Katya was almost blinded by the brightness of the neon orange paint scrawled messily on it's frame.

Milk stepped out of the van, running a hand through his crop of hair. "Hey guys," he grinned, before yanking open the side door. Trixie stepped out, followed by Courtney.

Katya held her breath. Her infatuation with Trixie had only grown, and today she looked particularly beautiful. She had only lightly tinged her skin with blush, and left her hair naturally wavy and wild. She carried herself with a slump, though, and Katya crushed her feelings like a vice. Trixie was vulnerable. Trixie was trying to work through things with Willam. Trixie didn't like her in that way.

"Welcome, welcome!" Latrice boomed, his arms open wide. Courtney, Milk, and Trixie all gawped at the tour bus.

"Wow, Latrice," Trixie breathed.

"I know," Latrice grinned at her, clearly pleased. "Now, all aboard, my beauties. To Chicago!"

*

"How's staying with Courtney going?"

Katya was silently thrilled that Trixie had decided to sit next to her on the bus. The interior was really quite impressive - the chairs were plump and comfortable, there was a TV hanging just behind the driver's seat, and there was a fridge humming comfortingly in the corner. The pair were reclining behind a snoozing Roy, whose cap was shielding his eyes from the L.A sun. "Not today Satan" was sprawled across the hat, and Katya thought it incredibly fitting for him.

"Okay," Trixie mumbled, her eyes dark from lack of sleep. "But her and Milk have sex so _loud_."

Katya chuckled. "They hook up every time Milk drops into town." She glanced over at them - they were both laughing infectiously at something on Courtney's phone. "But I'm thinking they might be starting _se courtiser les uns les autre_."

"You speak French?"

"Girl," Katya grinned. "I sure do."

Trixie smiled weakly. There were dark circles beneath her eyes and Katya felt her heart ache for her.

"Hey," Katya nudged her gently. "How's things with Willam?"

Trixie's eyes fluttered shut, and Katya worried for a moment that she had asked the wrong thing. But then, Trixie spoke.

"I mean," she sighed, playing with a stray curl of hair. "The space is good. We went for a coffee the other day, and - Willam wanted to, you know, explain herself, but I wasn't ready for it."

Trixie leaned her head against the head-rest. "I do love her. I want us to try and - work things out."

Katya used every ounce of willpower within her to hide her feelings from her expressive face. She was fully aware that she and Trixie will never be anything other than friends, but her heart was wild and untameable.

Violet swanned down the aisle then, a beer in hand.

"Bit early for that, Vi," Katya grinned, grateful for the distraction.

Violet wiggled her eyebrows at Katya. "Somewhere in the world, it's past noon."

*

Katya startled awake some hours later.

She looked about herself with confusion, forgetting for a moment where she was. She gasped when she noticed that above her was a swathe of stars. The aisle ceiling of the bus was littered with tiny twinkling lights, giving a night-sky fantasy. They depicted a handful of constellations impressively accurately, Katya thought, trailing Orion's belt with her eyes. Katya heard a chuckle from across the aisle, and looked around sleepily to see Latrice grinning broadly at her.

"For you," he gestured at the ceiling. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but Roy actually knew about the bus...he came up with the star idea because you love them so much."  
Katya felt her heart swell. She looked back at Roy now, who was lounging on the sofa towards the back of the bus, enjoying one of many beers with Violet. Roy was like a skittle, she thought fondly, a little hard on the outside but incredibly soft and sweet on the inside.

Katya looked at Trixie then. Her head was leaning against the window and she was fast asleep. Her face looked so soft and lovely. Katya smiled. There was a lot of love on this bus. More than she was willing to admit.

*

The Cirque arrived in Chicago after a 5-day driving stint. They had only stopped to stock up on supplies and for the driver to rest his eyes. They drove through the busy streets, illuminated by thousands of lights. The buses occupants were all eagerly gazing out of the tinted windows at the river-like movement of the many people around them.

"Oh, girl," Kennedy breathed in wonder, his nose pressed against the glass. "This is something."

Eventually the bus came to a halt outside a block of apartments. Despite being confined to a length of vehicle for much longer than she ever had before, Katya was almost sad to leave the comfort of the bus. Roy clearly didn't share Katya's thoughts, as when he stepped off the bus, he muttered: "Thank _God_ that's over."

The Cirque dragged their luggage up to their apartment, blinking stupidly in the artificial lights glaring into their eyes. Latrice swung the door open at the number 43.

"Welcome to our temporary home, my loves!"

Katya loved the apartment instantly. She wasn't much interested in grandeur, with the exception of the tour bus, so she revelled in the simplicity of the place. The walls were white and the carpet grey. There was a large, pull-out sofa backed against the wall and a dying plant lay sadly in the corner.

"What a dump," Roy quipped, pulling his luggage into the room. He hovered for a moment, before swinging round suddenly. "Hang on a minute. Latrice?"

"Yes, Del Rio?"

"Are we all staying in the same apartment?"

Latrice's smile was colossal. "But of course! I thought we would have a lovely bonding time."

Roy's face was the picture of disgust, and Katya exploded into laughter. The rest of the Cirque joined her, all creasing with amusement.

"You're with me, miss thing," Roy hissed to Katya, pointing to one of the rooms.

"Of course, Bee," Katya agreed, smiling.

The group disbanded into the apartment, picking out which rooms they wanted and with whom they wanted to bunk with. There was one room with a singular bed which caused a great deal of arguing before Latrice awarded the room to Trixie, who was shyly watching the exchange on the sidelines.

"Hey," Courtney poked her head around Katya and Roy's door, her face flushed. "Come to the living room, it's amazing."

Katya, dressed only in her 'sad goth' shirt and a pair of shorts, padded after Courtney. She and Milk had opted for the pull-out sofa which, actually, was really quite big. Katya gasped softly at the nest they had created, with cushions strewn about the floor and soft blankets lying invitingly on top. Soft white fairy lights were hanging around the ceiling, and Milk had set up a projector with his laptop, reflecting the screen on the huge, white wall.

"Oh, _wow_."

Katya had barely noticed Trixie's appearance at her side, wearing a soft satin night-gown and her hair tied messily in a bun. Courtney beamed at the pair of them, taking one of their hands each and leading them towards the nest.

Eventually the rest of the group had joined them, and everyone lay about in the giant bed or on the spare sofa next to it. They were in high spirits, laughing and joking between eating slices of pizza which they had ordered upon their arrival.

"Hey, Trixie brought a guitar," Coutney announced, her smile bright. Katya gaped at Trixie for a moment - she didn't know Trixie played the guitar - and she noticed the flush of embarrassment creep across her cheeks.

"Oh, yes, bitch," Violet threw her arms open. "Play us a song, Trixie."

Trixie started to spew quiet excuses but all were lost to the rowdy encouragement of the rest of the room. Her eyes momentarily met Katya's, who felt herself bloom like a flower at the contact. She nodded encouragingly. "I'd like to hear you play."

Trixie hesitated before getting to her feet. The room erupted into applause that followed her as she left the room.

She soon re-appeared with an adorable pink acoustic guitar that matched her night gown almost exactly. She settled herself cross-legged beside Katya once more, shifting her guitar across her lap.

The room went silent as Trixie cleared her throat. She was practically radiating nerves as she began to strum the strings of the guitar.

The melody laced into the air and Katya felt captivated instantly - she was playing a song by Fleetwood Mac, a favourite of hers. She watched as Trixie's confidence grew, her knowing fingers plucking expertly and creating her own magic. When she began to sing, Katya felt her breath catch - her voice was otherworldly.

_"I took my love, I took it down..."_

The rest of the room murmured their appreciation, similarly as surprised and delighted as Katya was at Trixie's clear talents. At the chorus, Milk joined her.

_"Well, I've been afraid of changing..."_

Trixie's eyes were bright as she smiled at Milk, their voices twisting together quite beautifully. By the next line, Katya was startled to hear her own voice join the melody.

_"'Cause I've built my life around you."_

She laughed a little at that, knowing she wasn't the best singer. Trixie's smile at her made her insides go weak, and she soon realised that the whole room had joined in the song.

Latrice had his arms in the air, swaying gently. Violet had sparked a lighter and was waving it appreciatively, the flame casting a glow on her happy face. Even Roy looked cheerful in the moment. The sound of their voices rising and falling was really quite beautiful, despite the off-key tone from the majority.

_"Oh, I'm getting older too."_

The group's voices died at the last line, but Trixie went on to finish the song herself. She improvised a little riff on the guitar that wove perfectly with the original, and her eyes closed. _"Oh, I'm getting older..."_

_"Too."_

She strummed a final time, and the room whooped and cheered.

"That was so _fun_ ," Courtney babbled, her fingers interlaced with Milk's.

"Well done, Miss Trixie." Latrice clapped his hands together with glee. "Beautiful, truly beautiful."

Some time later, after Trixie had safely deposited her guitar in her room, a hefty debate on what to watch on Netflix broke out amongst the Cirque. They had eventually settled on Rupaul's Drag Race.

"Look at this queen," Roy exclaimed, waving his arm at the screen. One of the contestants was strutting down the runway in a homemade curtain dress. "She has freakin' _corn_ hanging from her wrist."

Kennedy chortled from the corner. "Like you could do any better, girl."

Roy snorted. "Oh, Bianca could win this shit, trust and believe."

Katya and Trixie were huddled into the furthest corner of the nest, lying comfortably across the cushions. Trixie looked happier than Katya had seen her in recent days, her face softly reflecting the glow of the lights as she nibbled on a slice of pizza. Katya was struck with an unexpected thought - _I would make her this happy all the time, if I could._

"I think you're right." Trixie whispered thoughtfully. Katya's heart skipped a beat.

"What?"

"They _are_ falling."

Katya followed Trixie's wistful gaze. She realised that she was talking about Milk and Courtney, who were a tangle of arms and legs at the foot of the bed. Their heads were bent together, casting a silhouette against the bright screen. They were whispering, their words lost on everyone but each other.

Katya brought her eyes back to Trixie's, feeling like a thousand fireflies were dancing in her veins.

 _Yeah_ , Katya thought. _They are_.

*

Katya tossed and turned.

The foreign feel of the unfamiliar bed sheets was not helping, but her mind was reeling tortuously and refused to let her drift.

The Cirque had disbanded to bed hours before and Katya knew that it must’ve been late. She was irritated that she couldn’t sleep – the show was later that day, and she wanted to be on top-form.

After what felt like the thousandth time she re-arranged herself on the bed, she heard a shuffling beside her.

“Katya, jeez,” Roy hissed. “What’s crawled up your ass? Can’t you just stay _still_?”

Katya sighed. “I’m sorry, Bee. My head is going off.”

Roy turned onto his side to face her, even though they couldn’t see each other in the darkness.

“You like that Trixie,” Roy stated simply. Katya hesitated.

“Yeah, I like that Trixie.”

Roy scoffed. “You can tell, girl. You look at her like she’s the lesbian Jesus or something.”

Katya couldn’t help but giggle at that. “Wow.”

“So why haven’t you gone for it?”

Katya shuffled uneasily. She didn’t like talking about this – it became too…real.

“She’s got a girlfriend,” Katya whispered, resisting the urge to bury her face into her pillow. “I mean, it’s complicated between them, but…”

“But?” Roy pressed.

“But,” Katya murmured. “She loves her.”

Roy didn’t respond right away, and after a few minutes of silence Katya wondered if he had drifted off into sleep again. She turned to face the window which was cracked open ever so slightly, and felt the soft caress of the night breeze on her face.

“Katya.”

Katya flinched with surprise. “Yes?”

“Forget her,” Roy muttered. “It’s a lost cause and I think you know that. By all means, be her friend, but you need to go out and do you – or do someone else. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in action.”

Katya swore she could hear the smile in Roy’s voice.

“Yeah,” she sighed, resigning herself to reality. Katya was a dreamer, and it was quite often her downfall. Her fever for Trixie was no exception to the rule.

“So,” Roy whispered, punching her lightly in the shoulder. “I want to see you whisk a little lady off her feet tomorrow. You know how you get their pussies wet just by _looking_ at them in your routine.”

Katya barked a laugh, but she knew it was the truth.

“Maybe I will.”

Roy chuckled with satisfaction, turning back over to face the wall. “Now let me get some sleep, or you’ll feel the Bianca wrath.”

Katya shuffled over to Roy, wrapping an arm around his waist. “I know about the stars.”

Roy stiffened beneath her touch. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He squeezed her hand with his own for a moment, before pushing her gently away. “Now get lost.”

*

"Wake up, wake up, _wake up_."

Katya startled awake, squinting against the glaring sunlight filtering in from the window. Kennedy slammed his fists against the door again. "Get UP!"

Ray groaned beside her. "Why me?" he wailed. "I spent all night next to a restless baby with her baby brain, and now this bitch is battering the door down. WHY?"

"Because," came Kennedy's muffled response. "We have to get to the venue. Everyone else is up and about, so you need to join us. _Now_."

Katya listened to Kennedy's footsteps fade from outside the door. She turned to face Roy, whose hands were covering his face. He was making a dramatic sobbing sound.

"Oh Roy," she pushed his arm playfully. "Come on."

After Roy and Katya had made themselves relatively presentable, they joined the rest of the group who where milling around a kitchen that was much too small to hold them.

Though Katya had to keep stifling a yawn, it was hard not to be swept up in the atmosphere among her _famille_ this morning. Courtney was sat at a tiny table with Violet, the pair of them looking like yin and yang with their brightness and darkness. Latrice was telling Trixie a story, every word animated with large, swooping arm gestures. Milk and Kennedy were cooking harmoniously at the grill with a mixture of eggs, herbs, and fried tomatoes. The smell was tantalising, and Katya chose to hover by them.

Milk laughed, shooing Katya away. He was wearing a pink apron and he looked positively adorable. Katya pouted at him.

"You'll get your breakfast when it's ready! Go and sit."

Katya obliged - she decided to perch at another table in the centre of the room.

Latrice had finished the story he was telling Trixie, and he beamed around at everyone in the kitchen. "A moment, please."

Milk helpfully tapped a glass with a fork, signalling silence.

The room's eyes were trained on their lovable ringmaster now, as he cleared his throat.

"I just wanted to say that no matter how tonight goes," he paused, his eyes starting to sparkle with unshod tears. "I love all of y'all. And I'm so proud at how far you have all come."

"We're proud of you too, boss," Violet gave a hearty laugh, somewhat out of character for her. "We will smash it."

"I have no doubt about it," Latrice smiled, his chest puffing out like a proud bird. "Now, let's go get 'em."

***


	5. Set your fire on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Trixie!"
> 
> Trixie's head snapped up at the sound of her name. Katya had materialised in front of her, her nostrils flaring like a bull as she glared at Tatianna. "What's going on?"
> 
> Trixie nearly flung backwards with how rapidly Tatianna removed her arm from around her. Tatianna crossed her arms and stared at Katya. "What has it got to do with you?"
> 
> A frown had darkened Katya's eyes. "Trixie," she said sternly, offering her hand to her. "Come on. This isn't what you want to do."
> 
> Trixie grinned at Katya. "You're so hot when you're mad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: alcohol
> 
> oh wow, drama.
> 
> trixie's problematic, but we love her. 
> 
> ongoing theme of: everyone wants a piece of trixie. facts are facts.
> 
> i know it's not an ideal scenario, but there you go...i love a bit of conflict. ;)
> 
> i know this chapter is a little short so i will upload the next one v soon. trust & believe.
> 
> enjoy! please give me your feedback. xox!
> 
> elliot is my fav supportive bean. <3

"So how's Chicago?"

Trixie was leaning against a cool brick wall at the back of the Chicago club - appropriately named "The Closet" - catching some air before the Cirque began. She cradled her phone to her ear and examined her nails with interest.

"Great," Trixie mumbled into the mouthpiece. "I'm just waiting for the show to start."

"Aren't you with the rest of them?" Willam asked.

"No, Courtney and I are in the crowd."

There was a somewhat awkward pause, and Trixie shuffled her feet. She found it strange and painfully difficult to make small talk with Willam after what had happened between them. Her heart longed for normality, and a sigh escaped her lips.

"Are you okay?" Willam pressed.

"I guess."

Another pause.

"Listen," Willam said, her voice cracking. "I love you. We will work this out. When you come home - we can talk?"

Trixie hung her head. "I-I'll try. I...love you, too."

Trixie could hear the relief in Willam's voice. "Okay. Have fun."

Trixie ended the call, feeling somewhat deflated again. It would take a lot of healing for her and Willam to get past what she had done, but Trixie was a firm believer in the power of love - and she loved Willam, very much.

Trixie manoeuvred her way back into the club. It was considerably smaller than the one the Cirque frequented back in L.A, but none-the-less, she was confident that they would deliver the performance flawlessly despite the smaller space.

Courtney was lingering in the darkness by the side of the little stage, a drink in each hand. "Here," she handed a ridiculously pink liquid to Trixie. "It's called 'Barbie Bliss'. I couldn't resist."

Trixie was delighted - the cocktail smelt deliciously of apple and cinnamon, despite the strange pink colouring. She took a sip, her eyes fluttering shut.

"Good, huh?" Courtney grinned. She looked particularly stunning tonight, Trixie noted. Her eyes were sparkling with blue eye shadow that matched her pale blue dress and ridiculously high heels. There was something noticeably different about Courtney tonight, though - she practically glowed with happiness.

"So..." Trixie decided to be brave, which had nothing at all to do with the couple of drinks she and Courtney had already indulged in. "You and Milk...?"

Courtney was almost shy when she responded. "Um, yeah, I mean...we always hook up when he's around."

Trixie raised a knowing eyebrow, a smile parting her sparkling lips. She wasn't going to press Courtney to tell her if she didn't want to, but it was cute to watch her express a little vulnerability.

At that moment, the lights in the club went out.

Trixie was startled by the applause - she hadn't realised how busy the little place had got. Her eyes raked her surroundings, taking in the buzz from all around her before settling her gaze back onto the stage. She felt a familiar build-up of excitement, and she bounced slightly on her heels. She knew how good the Cirque was - and she was so pleased to be apart of their ventures now.

A dazzling white light lit up the stage, and Latrice stepped out. He was wearing the typical uniform of the ringmaster - a bright red trench-coat over a white shirt and a little black tie, complete with gloves and a top-hat. His eyes were dancing with glee that even Trixie could notice from afar.

"Ladies," he droned deeply into the microphone. "And gentleman."

A wild applause met his words, and Latrice beamed at the crowd. "My name is Latrice Royale, and I am here today to bring you the Cirque of Los Angeles, a beautiful collection of weirdos."

Trixie cheered loudly, stomping her feet against the sticky club floor.

"I once had a dream," Latrice spoke melodically, gazing around himself. "To bring together the troubled and the hurt LGBTQ, and create a safe space for them to work and grow."

The crowd was silent now, clinging to Latrice's every word - Trixie included. She wondered for a moment what had troubled or hurt Katya. She felt a wave of fierce protectiveness rise from nowhere -she hoped Katya was never troubled or hurt.

"That dream became reality," Latrice sniffed, emotion gripping his words. "And we all stand before you, ready to dazzle, to entertain, to give you your _life_."

The crowd erupted once more, encouraging the ringmaster to bring the magic.

"So, without further ado, I bring to you -" he paused for effect, clearly enjoying every moment. "Kennedy Davenport!"

Kennedy pirouetted onto the stage, glitter dazzling across his cheeks. He was wearing a bright orange bodysuit with colourful fringe falling from his sleeves. He took a little bow at the applause of the crowd, and gestured towards the tightrope strung above him.

Kennedy then climbed the ladder at the far side of the stage, the lights all training brightly on him. A haunting track was playing somberly in the background, causing Trixie to sway. She noticed she wasn't the only one in the crowd captivated by the sound.

Kennedy swung himself gracefully onto the rope, stepping one foot lightly outwards. The crowd applauded, right on queue, as he stepped painfully slowly across the rope. Trixie was aware that Kennedy was teasing the audience with this show of carefulness, and he would soon shock and astound. Trixie smiled - it was satisfying to be in the know.

Kennedy had reached the centre of the rope, and he paused. He began to wobble precariously and Trixie watched as some of the people in the crowd covered their eyes with their hands.

Kennedy let his body fall, and the entire room made a collective gasp. He then used the tops of his feet to dangle from the rope like a primate, grinning at the shocked faces of the audience. Trixie laughed with delight - it was almost better to watch this a second time.

Kennedy then used impressive strength to swing his body upwards to grab the rope with a free hand. He raised himself gracefully to a standing position and pranced back and forth across the rope with ease. He finished his performance by dropping to one knee on the rope and falling again, swinging himself in a circle under and over the rope. He then let go and the crowd held their breath for a moment before he landed expertly on his feet like a cat.

The room erupted into noise. Courtney and Trixie wailed like banshees with their hands in the air. Kennedy grinned and took a bow, before prancing off the stage like a gazelle.

There was a brief five minute break before Milk's performance. Courtney dragged Trixie giddily towards the bar, her hair wild about her face.  
"Come on, Trixie," Courtney cooed at her. "It's shot time."

Trixie's throat was on fire after she and Courtney had thrown back a handful of different spirits. She knew she was acting a little reckless, but she had been hurt and it was about damn time she let herself feel something else. Her eyes were clouded in a drunken haze as she and Courtney stumbled back into the crowd to watch Milk, missing Latrice's booming introduction.

He was incredible, Trixie mused - he had dyed his crop of hair a shimmering silver colour, and his face was completely white, a startling contrast to his tight black clothing. He lit two poi alight as the lights went down and the music began to play.

He began to twirl around the stage, the fire creating magical shapes around him. He started off slowly - tantalising the watching crowd, captivating them in the grip of the flame. It was almost seductive, Trixie thought, and she took a moment to glance at Courtney. She was completely in his thrall, her eyes reflecting the dancing lights. She grinned drunkenly.

Milk increased his speed with the build up on the music, and eventually all you could see was shooting lights surrounding him, shaping his haunting face. Trixie's jaw hung as she watched, equal amounts of amazed and shocked.

Eventually, Milk slowed in his dance, his chest heaving and sweat beaming across this forehead. He then raised his poi stick into the air, and lowered the ball of flame right into his mouth.

Trixie gasped, mortified. She had always been a little afraid of fire.

Milk pulled the poi out of his mouth, revealing that the fire had been extinguished. He then did the same to the other - his face never cracking from it's seriousness - and then took a little bow when he was done.

The audience boomed their approval as Milk strode off the stage. Trixie was utterly flabbergasted.

"He's amazing," Trixie breathed, clinging to Courtney's elbow. Courtney gave her hand a squeeze in return, a smile playing on her lips.

A wave of dizziness threatened to topple Trixie over, and she stumbled. "Listen," she slurred, tapping Courtney's shoulder. "I'm just gonna get some air."

Courtney nodded, too distracted to notice Trixie's intoxication. She stumbled towards the door, her head spinning dangerously.

Once outside, Trixie steadied herself against the wall. There were a few people dotted around the courtyard, some smoking, some simply enjoying the night air after the heat of the club. Trixie couldn't make out much, but she managed to manoeuvre her way to a bench and sat down, closing her eyes.

"Hey."

Trixie opened a single eye. A girl was stood in front of her, grinning.

"I'm Tatianna."

Trixie raised an eyebrow, taking an eyeful of her. She was incredibly attractive. Her hair was like dark chocolate flowing down her back. "I'm Trixie."

"Are you here with anyone, Trixie?"

Tatianna tapped an incredibly long false nail against her face as she looked Trixie up and down. Trixie straightened herself immediately, her eyes hooded. "Not really."

Tatianna grinned at that, and took a seat beside her. Trixie smiled flirtatiously at her. _Ha,_ she thought. _Fuck you, Willam._

Tatianna snaked an arm around Trixie's back, which Trixie responded to eagerly by leaning into her.

"So, tell me about yourself." Tatianna whispered, her eyes tantalising.

"Trixie!"

Trixie's head snapped up at the sound of her name. Katya had materialised in front of her, her nostrils flaring like a bull as she glared at Tatianna. "What's going on?"

Trixie nearly flung backwards with how rapidly Tatianna removed her arm from around her. Tatianna crossed her arms and stared at Katya. "What has it got to do with you?"

A frown had darkened Katya's eyes. "Trixie," she said sternly, offering her hand to her. "Come on. This isn't what you want to do."

Trixie grinned at Katya. "You're so hot when you're mad."

Katya ignored her, yanking her to her feet. Tatianna rolled her eyes before sauntering off into the club, not caring to glance back at Trixie and Katya.

"Why did you get rid of her? We were... _talking_." Trixie moaned, her lower lip hanging in a pout. Katya steered her towards a low wall, where she carefully perched her burden. Trixie rocked slightly, frowning.

"Listen," Katya muttered, steadying Trixie with her hands. "I know you're hurting and you're drunk but you and I both know you love Willam."

Trixie frowned, refusing to allow the waves of Willam into her drunken mind. "When are you performing?"

"I already have."

Trixie gaped at that, her jaw nearly hitting the floor. "I missed it? _Fuck_."

Katya sighed, her eyes downcast. Trixie looked at her, noting the sharpness of her cheeks and the scent of her perfume - a curious dark musk that caressed Trixie's senses. "Katya?"

Katya looked up. Their eyes locked for a moment, and Trixie felt instantly sober. The air around them seemed to pause, and the rest of the world faded from reality. "Katya..."

Katya's gaze softened, and she parted her mouth as if to say something, but no words came. Trixie stared at her lips. "I want to kiss you."

"I-" Katya began, but she was interrupted by Trixie's lips on hers.

Trixie's chest exploded as she felt Katya's soft lips against her own. Her hands immediately rose to tangle in Katya's hair, pulling her forward. The air crackled and sparked around them, and Trixie felt completely exhilarated, tasting Katya eagerly.

A sudden flash and a clicking sound brought the pair back to reality. Their lips broke apart and they breathed in unison, gazing at each other as if it was the first time.  
Katya shook herself out of her reverie. Her eyes changed from dreamy to horrified in a matter of seconds. Trixie felt her heart skip a beat.

"Katya?" She whispered, as Katya rose from her crouching position.

"I, um," Katya stuttered, the back of her hand against her head. "Gotta...go."

Katya rushed away, leaving Trixie feeling empty and alone on the cold stone wall.

***

 

 


	6. Now it's in the papers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pair entered the club again, the lights now a soft glow above them. People were milling around the bar, chattering excitedly about what they had just seen. Trixie noticed that most of the Cirque performers were at the far end of the bar, and some were talking to various members of the crowd. Trixie's eyes hesitantly found Katya among them - she was talking to a tall and leggy girl, her silver hair falling to her waist.
> 
> "Who's that Katya's talking to?" Trixie tried to sound nonchalant.
> 
> Courtney smiled. "Katya's always talking to some girl after a show."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drug addiction
> 
> I'M SORRY Y'ALL IT'S ANOTHER SHORTY (by that i mean it's another short chapter)
> 
> i wanted to post this before i went on holiday - i will post chapter 7 when i get back!
> 
> i haven't wrote chapter 8 yet though, so y'all may need to gather your patience.
> 
> love love love xox
> 
> thanks elliot as always <3

" _There_ you are!"

Trixie had been sat on the stone wall for so long that her ass had gone completely numb. She looked up to see Courtney, flushed and beautiful, gliding towards her.

"We were looking for you," Courtney stammered, her breath laced with liquor. "You missed Bianca and Katya! You should've seen Bianca, she did her infamous Rolodex of Hate where she spews insults while riding a unicycle."

Trixie couldn't help but raise her eyebrows at that, feeling sorry she had missed it. "Yeah, uh. I'll come in now."

Courtney's brows knitted together, noting Trixie's slump. "What's wrong?"

Trixie hesitated. She didn't know Courtney that well - and she realised with a sudden, horrible pang, that she didn't really know any of them - how could she possibly express her turbulent feelings, especially to someone in Katya's family?

She shook her head, forcing a wobbly smile. "I'm fine. Just...drunk."

"I feel ya," Courtney chortled, offering a hand to Trixie.

The pair entered the club again, the lights now a soft glow above them. People were milling around the bar, chattering excitedly about what they had just seen. Trixie noticed that most of the Cirque performers were at the far end of the bar, and some were talking to various members of the crowd. Trixie's eyes hesitantly found Katya among them - she was talking to a tall and leggy girl, her silver hair falling to her waist.

"Who's that Katya's talking to?" Trixie tried to sound nonchalant.

Courtney smiled. "Katya's always talking to some girl after a show."

Trixie tried to swallow the lethal jealousy unexpectedly rising within her. She was surprised by the intensity of her feelings, having not really noticed Katya in that way before tonight - or she thought so - before their kiss. Trixie's stomach somersaulted at the memory, which confused her further.

"Listen," she hissed at Courtney. "I need a top-up."

She stumbled towards the bar, her eyes trained dangerously on the exchange between Katya and the ethereal stranger. Katya had her head thrown back, laughing wildly. The taller girl was smirking, so close to her now that their arms were touching.

Trixie ordered a glitter bomb, her signature shot, tearing her eyes away from the flirtatious dance between Katya and the other girl.

Trixie stared into the swirling mass of stars in her shot glass - it reminded her of the bath bomb Willam had gotten her from Lush for her birthday, that had turned her bath into a galaxy. Trixie felt an intense stab of guilt - _Willam_.

"Fuck Willam," Trixie said, not for the first time tonight. She drained her glass, signalling for a second round at the bar staff.

After a couple more glitter bombs, Trixie felt more able to handle the thunderstorm of feelings inside her. She realised at that moment that Violet was performing her close of the show - her perfect body suspended in mid-air and spinning gracefully. Trixie could just make her out on the stage through the blur of her intoxication.

When Violet had bowed for the crowd's appreciation, Latrice ambled back onto the stage. All eyes were trained on him, and Trixie realised that the Cirque performers had disappeared from the bar.

"Ladies and gentleman," he smiled, his voice broken by a soft lisp. "That -"

He paused, joined suddenly by the rest of the Cirque, who spun, kicked, and danced their way onto the stage.

Milk skidded under Latrice and a burst of flame erupted from his mouth and into the stale air. The crowd gasped.

"-Was the Cirque of L.A."

The room erupted into a cacophony of cheers, screams, and applause. The Cirque joined hands and bowed before taking their leave from the stage. Katya was the last to leave, and for a fleeting moment, her eyes met Trixie's.

Trixie felt her breath catch.

*

Barely an hour later, the club was in full-swing.

It was a custom that the Cirque was followed by an all-out riotous party, even in a different state. The performers were mingling with their admirers on the heated dance floor, enjoying their moment of fame.

Trixie was still sat at the bar with a bulging lower lip. Her sulk had only intensified as she watched the rest of the group sashay around the dance floor. Courtney and even Bianca had tried to coax her into joining them, but she politely refused and painted on a false smile.

Trixie knew she wasn't doing herself - or her mood - any favours, but she couldn't help herself. She was ruminating, and she was wallowing in it. It was something she was quite skilled at.

She watched as Katya danced closely to the girl who was the current focus of her night. It was like watching a train wreck - even though she knew she should tear her gaze away, she simply couldn't stop staring, despite the destruction of her insides.

Trixie continued to watch as - _oh god_ \- the girl leaned her face towards Katya's. Katya rose to greet the kiss, wrapping her arms around her waist.

That was enough for Trixie.

She spun herself off the stool, and stumbled clumsily towards the bathroom.

Once inside, she clung to the sink with a shuddering breath. Her eyes rose to her reflection in the mirror. She looked ratchet. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair in a wild tangle. Trixie sighed, before running the cold water over her hands. She had cupped a handful to throw on her face when the door opened.

Katya stepped inside. She froze when she noticed Trixie and she lingered in the doorway, uncertainty clouding her face.

Trixie steeled herself to remain quiet, to treat Katya with complete indifference. She continued to run water over her hands, revelling in it's coldness.

Katya stepped towards her.

"Trix," she breathed, her gaze burning into Trixie's face. Trixie fought the urge to greet her eyes.

"What?"

A pause.

"I was a drug addict."

Trixie was startled at the outburst - a sentence like that was the last thing she was expecting Katya to say. She dared to look at her, but Katya's eyes were downcast, her hands linked together and fidgeting.

"That's...how I came to join the Cirque." Katya heaved a sigh. "You asked me - how, when we were hiking and - well. That's how."

Trixie was unsure of what to say. Her venomous irritation with Katya wilted away into nothing. Instead, she felt hollowness in it's place.

"I've never told anyone." Katya's words were choked with emotion now. "Roy...he found me. I was - taking a lot of shit. And by a lot - I mean a lot."

Katya pressed her fingers into the corners of her eyes. "I was homeless. Roy, he - he took me in. He rescued me. He took me to the Cirque. I would be dead if it wasn't for him."

There was a deafening silence following Katya's admission. Trixie was at a loss as to how she should respond - she was racking her brain for the right words to say to comfort her, but she came up blank every time.

"I need you to understand something."

"What?" Trixie whispered, her head reeling with everything she was hearing.

Katya held her breath.

"I can't be your - your drunken crutch for when you're hurt over Willam."

Trixie's heart hurt.

"Because -"

Trixie took a tentative step towards Katya, raw emotion threatening to spill out of her very pores. Katya looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

"I-I can't risk ...falling for someone, who loves someone else."

Trixie gawped. "You're ... _falling for me_?"

"I don't know." Katya's hand was rubbing her face. "Maybe."

Trixie wasn't sure what to think. Her thoughts were all clashing against each other like ocean waves in a storm - she couldn't make sense of anything.

"-so," Katya muttered. "I wanted to tell you so that...if tonight was...the start of something, you knew about me. Or if it was just a means of distraction, it could stop there."  
Katya looked crestfallen, as if she already knew the answer. Yesterday Trixie would've known what her feelings were - but after the stars colliding together around her when she kissed Katya, now she wasn't so sure.

"I-" it was Trixie's turn to stammer, her mind in total chaos. "Don't -"

"It's okay." Katya smiled sadly. "Trix. It's okay."

Trixie clung to a baited breath, cursing herself for her inadequacies.

"I better get back to Pearl," Katya mumbled halfheartedly, turning towards the door. Trixie watched her go - her mouth dry, and her head pounding.

*

The Cirque tumbled into their apartment in the early hours, still buzzing with the energy of the successful night. Latrice had gathered them all in the tiny kitchen whilst he poured them each a glass of champagne.

"A night cap," he chortled happily, handing out the thin glasses. Trixie took hers gratefully, the bubbles tickling her nose as she raised it to her lips.

"I wanted to tell all o' y'all," Latrice announced, his booming voice impossibly louder under the influence of whatever he had been drinking. "That I am so proud. I think that was one of our best performances."

"I'll second that," Milk laughed. He still smelt deliciously of smoke.

"Cheers!" Violet raised her own glass, and the rest of the group followed suit. Trixie glanced over at the ever-silent Katya, sipping her own glass in the corner - orange juice.

Pearl leaned beside her, leggy and fae. She reminded Trixie of a doe - she was incredibly beautiful, and she wore a little silver headband across her forehead with a tiny crescent moon blazoned on the front. _I bet Katya loves that_ , Trixie thought icily.

"Well, I'm off to bed," Trixie announced, feigning a yawn. She wanted to escape having to look at the pair of them for any longer than she had to. "Well done, everyone."

"Night, Mattel!" Courtney hiccoughed, and the rest of the Cirque gave her a collective drunken wave.

Trixie hurried into her room, pushing the door shut with a little too much vigour. A sigh broke apart her chest, and she threw herself onto her bed.

Weeks of pain, confusion and turmoil escaped her as she began to sob into her hands. She thought of Willam cheating on her - and how she had now cheated back. She thought of Katya, and her sudden apparent besotted-ness with her. What did it mean? What did the kiss mean? _Katya_ \- Katya was falling for her. Maybe.

And what about Trixie?

Maybe she was falling back.

After a few more moments of halfhearted back and forth in her mind, Trixie fell into a drunken sleep.

_Maybe._

***

Trixie stepped off the tour bus, exhaustion threatening to overwhelm her.

She had mixed feelings about her return to L.A - part of her was relieved to leave the bizarre turn of events across the state lines, but she knew now that she would have to deal with her Willam situation - the Willam situation that had become much more complicated, thanks to her behaviour in Chicago.

She and Katya had barely spoke for the entirety of the trip. Trixie was riddled with guilt, embarrassment, and a longing for the friendship they had before. She was unsure if this was possible now, but she could hope. She _would_ hope.

Trixie hauled her suitcase through the dust, coughing against the clouds that rose from her scuffling feet. Milk stooped out of nowhere, and relieved her of her burden. "Here," Milk offered kindly, lifting the case into his muscled arms.

Trixie smiled at him. "Thanks, Milk."

They had started towards Milk's neon camper when Trixie heard a familiar voice clear their throat.

She turned around with surprise to see Willam standing before them. Her lips were pursed, and she was clinging to what looked like a rolled up newspaper with a clenched fist.  
"Trixie," Willam's voice was wobbling dangerously.

Trixie had initially started to approach Willam with a bright smile - Willam's demeanour made her stop dead in her tracks. Her eyebrows knitted together with confusion and concern.

"Willam-?"

Willam began to unroll the newspaper, and Trixie caught sight of a large, bold headline:

 

**THE CIRQUE STORMS CHICAGO!**

 

"Care to explain this?" Willams voice was like black ice as she handed Trixie the paper.

Beneath the headline was a collection of photos. Most were of the Cirque in action - of Kennedy prancing like a cat across the tight rope, of Violet hanging gracefully from her hoop - and then...

Trixie gasped.

The final picture depicted the outside of the club, where two blonde heads were bent together in a kiss for all to see.

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. I'm still tryna figure out what makes you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door to the living room opened, and the room erupted into cheers. Jay, Raja, and Courtney flung balloons at the door with glee - and they hit Kennedy before pooling at his feet.
> 
> Courtney's eyes were wild. "What the fuck, Kennedy? You're not Milk!"
> 
> Kennedy grinned, before Milk stepped out from behind him, his mouth shaped into a surprised 'o'. "For me?" he asked, pointing at the decor and the pack of wild people, still cheering.
> 
> Katya swore she could see Courtney bushing. "For you! Happy birthday."
> 
> And Trixie's hand was still in Katya's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: drug use
> 
> aaah.  
> did u guys notice the wow reference? if u did, u get a cookie.
> 
> full disclosure i have 0 experience with cocaine so this is all google and guess work :x
> 
> chapter 8 may take some time, i am suffering with some writers block & being a busy little bee to boot.
> 
> please give me ur feedback, i love love loooOOove your comments! <3

_**Katya** Trix...It's fine if you don't want to talk to me, just...let me know you're okay. please?_

Katya stared at her ceiling, carefully depicting the shapes in the cracks as she lay on her bed.

She felt restless - her fingers were drumming against her sheets, her eyes darting to her phone every few seconds.

Trixie hadn't responded to any of her messages. It had been almost a week since the Cirque had returned to L.A., a week since Katya had witnessed the awful exchange between Willam and Trixie.

"Well?" Willam had said after her dramatic reveal of the newspaper, her nostrils flaring. Katya remembered feeling irate - what right did Willam have to be mad, after what she had done to Trixie?

But Trixie - she had become a babbling mess, stumbling over her words in her haste to fix, fix, fix. "Willam, I - it was a mistake, it - I was sad, I was drunk..."

Katya clamped her eyes shut, a vain attempt to eradicate the memory. She was convinced that Trixie had felt what she had when they had kissed in the courtyard. She had seen it reflected in her eyes - a world of wonder, a longing for more. Trixie's jittery speech to Willam proved otherwise.

Katya covered her face with one hand, and clutched her piece of amethyst in the other. She longed for some sense of normality in her life, or whatever was normal to her, at least. Pearl had been a welcome distraction for the majority of the night back in Chicago, but Katya was painfully aware that when she had traced kisses down Pearl's collarbone, she had longed for it to be Trixie's.

Katya's phone buzzed. She practically leapt at it, her hands scrabbling at the keypad.

She was disappointed to see Courtney's name - and then she felt a flicker of guilt for it. It was Milk's birthday coming up, she knew, and Courtney had been babbling about it all week like an excitable child.

   


_**Courtney** Zamo! I S2G, if ur still moping over trixie i will come over there  & whoop ur ass!_

   


  
Katya couldn't help but smile at that. She typed a reply.

  
_**Katya** no moping what-so-ever, mama. what's the crack with Milk's birthday?_

_**Courtney** gd. nothin too fancy, just a lil get togther at my place. listen..._

_**Katya** yes?_

_**Courtney** do u want us to not invite trixie? _

  
Katya was taken aback by the question. She wanted to see Trixie more than she was willing to admit, but she figured that Trixie certainly didn't want to see her.

She started to type a reply more than once, but continued to back-space as she debated what she wanted her answer to be. Finally, she settled with:

   


_**Katya** no no, it's cool. i know you guys got close when she stayed with you._

  
Katya placed her phone back on her night stand with a huge sigh. Her eyes flickered to the cloak of night sky outside her window, and she noticed the moon was in it's waxing gibbous phase, mere days before gorging to complete fullness. She snorted - _figures_. She always felt a little crazy around the full moon.

*

Katya felt refreshed a couple of hours later - she had decided to meditate, which never failed to ground her in times of chaos.

After lighting a couple of candles she had scattered around the room, she had thrown open her window so that the bright moonshine could cast it's mythical glow on her. She had sat cross-legged in the pool of light, closing her eyes and thinking of nothing but her breathing.

She reminisced dreamily of it as she hung glittery banners across Courtney's living room walls, messily screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" in colours that were far too bright.

Jay was standing by the chair that Katya was balancing on, holding the rest of the banners in their arms. "Can't I have a more interesting job?"

"Sorry Jay, Courtney's orders," Katya's words were muffled as she held a tack between her teeth.

Jay sighed dramatically, rocking back and forth on his ridiculously big Spice Girl-style wedges.

Raja glided into the room then, wearing a long trench coat and messy black eye shadow on their eyelids, carrying a huge backpack with them. Jay immediately threw the banners into the air, and ran into their arms excitedly.

Katya rolled her eyes. "Jay, _this_ is why you never get a job."

Jay ignored Katya, and instead they pecked excitable kisses over Raja's face, leaving little glittery lip marks over their dark skin. Raja laughed, pushing Jay away fondly. "You're not a dog, Jay, leave me alone."

Raja set their backpack down as Jay pouted at them. Their eyes lit up when they heard the unmistakable clinking of bottles.

"Booze!" Jay whooped, their hands in the air. Katya chuckled, stepping down off her chair, her banner-hanging mostly done.

Raja then produced a tiny bag of white crystals, shaking it in Jay's face with a knowing grin. Jay squealed and hooked it out of Raja's hand. Katya's eyes narrowed at the sight, a familiar longing probing at her insides.

"Behave with it, please." Raja warned.

Jay pouted again, batting their eyelashes at Raja. "Baby, you know I will."

Raja snorted.

Katya turned away, clamping her eyes shut. Only Courtney, Latrice and Roy knew of her addictive nature and the history behind it - and Trixie, too, she figured. She felt a tiny pang of loss.

The clacking sound of approaching heels announced Courtney's entrance - and she looked positively stunning in a loose purple dress and gem stones lining her eyes. Katya gawped openly, despite herself. Courtney noticed, of course, and smiled knowingly as she tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"Sorry Zamo, you had your chance," she teased, slapping Katya's face gently. Katya rolled her eyes, but returned Courtney's grin.  
The front door opened and closed again, signalling the arrival of another guest. "Hello?"

_Trixie._

"In here," Courtney called, pouring herself a vodka-cranberry from Raja's stash.

Trixie stepped into the room, and Katya dared to glance at her.

She was wearing a red play-suit - a little out of character for her - with a beautiful, intricate tribal design emblazoned all over it. Her hair was ridiculously long and straight, with half of it up in a ponytail. Katya clung to a breath.

From behind her stepped Willam.

Katya was mortified - Courtney didn't mention Willam was coming - and she instantly swung herself out of the room and into the hallway.

Katya heard the frantic clacking of Courtney following her tracks. "I didn't _know_ , Zamo! I didn't invite her, and Trixie didn't say anything!"

"Then we're all pretty stupid," Katya couldn't help but let the venom of hurt lace her words. "Of course she would bring her girlfriend."

Courtney grabbed Katya's arm stubbornly, so that she couldn't go any further. Katya skidded to a halt.

"Listen," Courtney garbled. "I'm sorry. You don't have to stay, but - Milk loves you. He would want you here."

Katya's eyes blurred with sudden, unexpected tears, which she angrily brushed away. "I - I know. I love him, too. I won't go anywhere."  
Courtney gave her arm a squeeze. "Atta girl."

*

An hour or so had passed, and the majority of the guests had now arrived.

"Everyone," Courtney yelled above the excitable din, waving her phone in the air. "Milk is on his way!"

The guests ducked behind various items of furniture. Katya, her mood still icy, hid behind an armchair by herself.

A few moments had passed before she realised that she felt the presence of another person beside her. She looked up, and her jaw dropped.

"Shush," Trixie hissed, placing a finger on Katya's lips.

Katya didn't know what to say, anyway.

"Listen," she whispered, her words coming out in a rushed tumble. "I just wanted to apologise for - for everything, really. I shouldn't have done what I did in Chicago - i-it was a mistake, and I've hurt Willam and I've hurt - you."

Trixie ran out of breath from speaking so quickly, and Katya felt a thorn in her side from her words. "Why are we talking about this behind an armchair at my friend's surprise birthday party?"

Trixie hesitated. "Um, well," she fiddled with a strand of her hair. "Willam went to the bathroom."

"Ah," Katya muttered. _Convenient_.

Katya felt Trixie's hand grip hers, her fingers lacing between Katya's. "Katya."

She looked up reluctantly to see Trixie's face pinched with desperation. "I want us to be friends."

Katya felt herself go weak at the sight of Trixie's sad little face. "Of course. We already are."

They were silenced by an angry hissing from Courtney, signalling Milk's impending entrance. The room felt eerie and still, and Trixie's hand was still laced with Katya's.

The door to the living room opened, and the room erupted into cheers. Jay, Raja, and Courtney flung balloons at the door with glee - and they hit Kennedy before pooling at his feet.

Courtney's eyes were wild. "What the fuck, Kennedy? You're not Milk!"

Kennedy grinned, before Milk stepped out from behind him, his mouth shaped into a surprised 'o'. "For me?" he asked, pointing at the decor and the pack of wild people, still cheering.

Katya swore she could see Courtney bushing. "For you! Happy birthday."

And Trixie's hand was still in Katya's.

*

It was a warm night, so many of the guests had spilled onto the roof of Courtney's apartment building, chattering noisily amongst themselves.

Katya had loosened up somewhat - she had spent some time with Jay and Raja, having missed them quite unexpectedly fiercely whilst she had been in Chicago.

"Ka--ka-ta-ka--ka-ta-ka-ka BOOM!" Jay was hopping across the floor in their own little vogue, and Katya was watching with amusement.

"Why are they like this?" She asked Raja fondly, tipping a cigarette from her pack.

Raja shrugged. "Cocaine?"

Katya bit her lip. It was like hearing the name of an old lover. She quickly sparked her lighter at the tip of her cigarette, before inhaling deeply.

"D'you want some?"

Katya was startled. Raja had pulled out the tiny bag of crystals and was digging around in their trench-coat for what Katya could only assume was a key.

She shuddered. "N-no, thanks."

"Suit yourself," they smiled at her, completely unawares of the battle raging in Katya's chaotic brain. Raja stooped gracefully to hook Jay's arm with their own.

"Come on, you," Raja murmured softly, chortling at Jay's pout at being interrupted. Their face soon changed when they noticed what was in Raja's balled fist.

"Yes, bitch," they skipped off towards the door to go back inside the apartment building with Raja close behind.

Katya watched the pair go with a familiar ache – a strange combination of an addicts longing, and a desire for someone to love. Not just anyone – but someone.

“Hey.”

Katya’s eyes widened – Willam was stood before her in all her glory, a cigarette clutched in her hand and a cup in the other. Her hair had lost its rainbow colours and was now one-tone, tied carelessly back off her face. Katya begin to fidget, wringing her hands together nervously. She didn’t want to cause any drama at Milk’s birthday.

“Relax,” Willam sounded completely chilled. “I’m not here to go off on you. I’m not that girl.”

Katya immediately laced her hands behind her back, irritated at herself for showing her fear so freely. “Okay, um,” she muttered, unsure of where to cast her gaze. “So…”

But Willam was looking over at Trixie, who was chattering animatedly to Milk, her hands whirling around herself with drunken glee. Willam sighed.

“I love her, you know?” her words were a mumble, and Katya could detect the sadness in them almost immediately. “I know I did a bad thing, but…I did it for us.”

Katya was completely flabbergasted as to why Willam was speaking to Katya of all people about this, but she dared to approach Willam a little closer anyway.

“I was broke,” Willam whispered, her eyes still watching Trixie. “We – _we_ were broke.”

The silence around them then was broken by the joyful braying of a herd of drunken people. Katya felt like she and Willam were at a totally different place than the others surrounding them.

“I didn’t want us to lose everything we came for.” Willam had closed her eyes. “Trixie can’t go back to Milwaukee. She was dying there. Maybe not in the physical sense – but, like, emotionally.”

Katya’s insides twisted at the idea of Trixie feeling anything other than blissfully happy. She tried to catch Willam’s eyes with her own, feeling braver than she had a moment ago, but Willam’s eyes were still firmly shut.

“My job wasn’t bringing enough in.” Willam continued, sounding choked. “And Trixie has been having trouble finding her own. I didn’t want to rush her, or pressure her, or give her any reason to worry. It sounds so stupid now, but…I used to hook before Trixie and I became official, and I knew how much money I could bring in from one trade alone.”

Katya blinked. She was surprised to feel an unexpected wave of sympathy towards Willam – she may lack in common sense, but there was no doubt her heart was in the right place. Katya reached out hesitantly, her hand landing on Willam’s arm. Willam winced against the unexpected contact, and she looked up.

Katya was surprised to see Willam’s eyes glistening with tears.

“The way she looks at you,” Willam’s words came out like a ragged breath. “Kills me.”

Katya’s breath caught in her throat. “At –at _me_?”

Willam nodded. “I could even see it in the picture of you kissing. She – she doesn’t look at me like that.”

Katya was at a complete loss at that. “Willam…”

Willam dipped her head.

“She loves you,” Katya stated, knowing it was the truth. “She never stopped telling me so.”

“Maybe,” Willam said, sniffing. “But…”

Trixie ambled over to them then like a leggy deer on ice. She couldn’t hide the surprise from her face as she realised that Katya and Willam were stood side-by side.

“Hey!” she said breathlessly, lacing an arm around Willam’s neck. Willam had forced her lips into a painful smile which was thankfully lost on the intoxicated Trixie.

“What’re you guys doing?” She asked, her hooded eyes meeting Katya’s for an agonising few seconds. Katya felt her stomach somersault, and she quickly looked away.

“Talking, babe,” Willam answered, kissing her temple softly. Katya couldn’t bear to be in this for a single moment more, especially not after the harrowing conversation she had just had with Willam. She forced a smile herself, not dissimilar to Willam’s.

“I’m gonna go find Courtney,” she said, backing towards the door. Willam watched Katya, her eyes speaking a thousand words but her expression completely unreadable. “Thanks, Katya.”

Katya nodded her recognition, before disappearing into the apartment building, her chest aching.

*  


After strategically managing to avoid both Willam and Trixie for the next hour, Katya decided to reward herself with a quiet smoke.  
She had enjoyed silly banter with an incredibly stoned Courtney until she had gotten a little more serious.

"Katya," she had said, her eyes unwavering as she watched Milk laughing with Kennedy, his perfect jaw tilted back. "I think I might love him."

Katya had smiled at her warmly. "I know you do."

"I'm going to ask him out tonight," Courtney had responded quietly, her wobbly voice betraying her nerves.

"Bitch, yes," Katya hissed, her eyes widened and her hand instantly grabbing hold of Courtney's arm. "I called it."

Courtney smiled then, though somewhat shakily. She hesitated before saying, "I think you might love someone, too."

Katya's face fell as Courtney's eyes bore into her own. "Don't you?"

Katya began to feel hotness spread across her body. "N-no, what? Um...I don't know."

"I've never seen you like this," Courtney said sincerely, her perfect eyebrows arched with concern. She reached over and gripped Katya's clammy hand. "Not over a girl."

Katya's mouth felt like sandpaper. "It's that obvious?"

Courtney nodded.

A sigh escaped Katya's lips. "I don't know. I just want her to be happy, no matter what that means for me, or anyone else."

Courtney's hand squeezed hers, and she had smiled. "That's love."

Katya felt heavy as she weaved her way through the apartment maze. She had decided to smoke out front, so to avoid the crowd still spilling out into the light night on the roof. She remembered with an ache the last time she had gone there - when she and Trixie had been stargazing at the Cirque's party.

She was interrupted from her dreaming by walking right into Jay, who was blocking her way in the hallway.

“Oh man,” Jay grinned, then leaning against the wall. “That’s some crazy shit, Raj.”

"Hello to you too," Katya quipped, noting the hugeness of their pupils.

"Oh, hey, girl," Jay wailed, clearly noticing her for the first time.

Katya heard Raja laugh behind them. “Trixie is _feeling it_.”

A frown furrowed Katya's brow instantly. _Trixie?_

“Oh, bitch. I am.”

Katya turned to see Trixie leaning against the wall, her eyes closed with pure bliss. Her arms were pressed against the wall and her hands were idly stroking the bumps against it. Her smile was huge against her lips.

Katya turned to Jay instantly, her tone serious. "What have you given her?"

"She just did a line." Jay whined, their lip bulging in a childish pout.

"She doesn't do drugs."

"That's not what she told us." Raja mumbled sweeping towards them with their cloak billowing like a bats wings.

Katya felt fury rise in her like a cancer, but she kept her features as soft as she could. If that were true, she could hardly blame Raja and Jay for sharing their white bounty. That said, she couldn't help but feel waves of anger at them for letting a vulnerable Trixie lace her veins with poison.

She turned to her - she was now rocking her head back and forth, and humming. "Trixie," she said, extending a hand to her. "Where's Willam?"

"I don't know," she said, opening a single eye a crack. She gasped when she realised it was Katya standing before her. "Oh, _Katya_."

"Why did you tell Raja and Jay you did drugs?" Katya whispered, taking Trixie's cool hand.

"I wanted to escape."

Katya understood that more than anyone. Trixie gazed off into the distance, her pupils huge and her reality completely fading. Katya's alarm caused goosebumps to pimple across her arms.

"Come on," she said softly, leading Trixie towards Courtney's spare room. Trixie obliged, floating after her in a world they didn't share.

Katya closed the door behind them, before leading Trixie to the bed. Trixie leaned against her heavily. "I'm too high." Her words were met with shallow breaths and wide eyes.

"Yes, I know," Katya sighed, gently laying her precious burden across the sheets. Trixie gazed up at the lampshade casting patterns across the walls of the room. "It's like the sun," she murmured, pointing up at the light.

Katya glanced up for a moment. "Yes, let's watch the sun, Trix. Keep breathing."

Katya lay herself next to Trixie, and Trixie immediately wrapped an arm around Katya's waist. Katya felt her skin ignite against the touch, despite the situation.

She couldn't help but dip her chin to meet Trixie's wild head of hair. Her hair smelled like vanilla and honey.

Katya heard her breathing begin to soften.

"Trix, you okay?" she murmured softly against her head. She felt Trixie nod against her lips.

"I feel weird." she gripped Katya tighter.

"You will do," Katya whispered in response. "But it won't be forever. Let's just watch the sun. You'll be okay."

Katya wrapped her free arm around Trixie then, pulling her close to her side. She would protect her fiercely in every way, she knew.  


   



	8. So watch me figure it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi babies
> 
> this chapter was brought to you by blood, sweat, tears, and horrendous writer's block. i have a love/hate relationship with this one, lads.  
> either way.  
> we stan a messy bitch ~ aka, miss trixie mattel.
> 
> here's the song court was listening to, in case u didn't know: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6jxPFtIAnw
> 
> i hope you love it, please, it took me so long. <3

Katya's eyes fluttered open.

Judging from the glare of sun through the ragged blinds, she figured it was morning. She tried to shift, her post-slumber brain still in the thralls of sleep, when she realised there was a weight against her.

Trixie's head was cradled in the nook between her shoulder and her breast, her arm still draped and limp across her middle. It was then that Katya remembered.

"Orange juice," she murmured, the cogs in the foggy brain beginning to turn. "Trix?"

Trixie didn't stir.

"Trix," Katya repeated softly, patting a gentle hand on her lower back. She was greeted by a sleepy groan.

"I need to move, mama," Katya cooed, her voice soft. "You're gonna have one hell of a comedown, and you need supplies."

Katya couldn't be sure if Trixie had registered her words, but she rolled over away from her regardless, her eyes still clamped shut.

Katya heaved herself upright, her gaze landing momentarily on the dozing Trixie. Despite her drug-fuelled plight, she looked nothing but beautiful as the suns rays cast a light glow across her body. Katya heaved a sigh, giving herself a mental shake. "Orange juice."

She felt a hand grasp her thigh unexpectedly, halting her attempt to rise. "Wait."

Katya looked down at the bedraggled Trixie, whose bloodshot eyes gazed up at her. "Thank you."

Katya smiled tenderly, giving Trixie's hand a squeeze. "I'm always here for you, Tracy. You know that, right?"

Trixie returned Katya's smile, though it was a wobbly one. She forced herself to an upright position, and wrapped her arms around Katya.  
"You're too good to me," Trixie whispered against her ear, her words choked.

Katya shook her head, even though Trixie couldn't see. She broke the hug with regret, placing her strong hands on Trixie's dainty shoulders.

"Lie down now, okay? You need to drink something."

Trixie nodded, her pained eyes never leaving Katya's. Katya stared back, unwilling - _unable_ \- to break the contact between them. She felt the familiar feeling of the universe melting into nothing, and she became acutely aware of the rhythmic heartbeats of both her own and Trixie's, so close to being one.

Katya noticed Trixie biting her lower lip, and Katya's gaze rested there for a moment, a burning desire gushing through her veins like gasoline.

A loud clattering from the kitchen jolted the pair into reality, and broke their stare.

"Uh, I, uh," Katya stammered, sweat beading across her brow with prickling anxiety. "I'll be...right back."

She stepped tentatively out of the room, avoiding a parting glance at Trixie despite knowing she was watching her go.

There was soft music coming from the kitchen, intermingled with giggling. Katya stepped into the room with a grin, projecting normality as best she could.

"Hayley Kiyoko? _Gay_."

Courtney was sat on the counter-top, her perfect legs wrapped around Milk's waist as he stood in front of her. Her giggling ceased, and she scowled at Katya, though her lips betrayed a smile. She was sporting her My Little Pony pjs, her face bare and her hair unbrushed, but it took nothing away from her beauty.

"Good morning to you too," Courtney muttered sarcastically. "I didn't know you were here."

"Ah, I crashed in the spare," Katya muttered, busying herself at the fridge on her quest for orange juice.

"Is Trixie with you?"

Katya froze in place, her spine stiffening.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Katya, orange juice carton in hand, felt her joints begin to thaw. A sigh escaped her lips as she closed the door of the fridge and faced the curious pairs of eyes burning into her back.

"Nothing happened, if that's what you're insinuating," she murmured, absentmindedly shaking the carton of juice. "We were just taking a breather, and I guess...we both fell asleep."

Katya ignored the raised eyebrows from the pair of them as a thought occurred to her. "Is Willam still here?"

Milk cocked his head. "She left hours ago."

"Do you have her number?"

"I do," Courtney replied. "She knows Trixie's here."

Katya didn't want to know how she knew that. After her heartfelt admission the night before, Katya couldn't help but feel warmth towards the problematic Willam, and she felt guilty that Trixie had spent the night with her instead; innocent though it was.

"Call her," Katya said, ambling slowly out of the room without looking at either of them. "She needs to take Trixie home."

_But at least I got you my head._

Katya softly closed the door behind her, closing her eyes against the ache of tiredness and leaning against the kitchen door. The lyrics of the song still playing quietly beyond the door were painfully relevant.

_Oh, yeah._

She inhaled slowly, before heading back to the spare room, to rouse the sleeping Trixie and hand her back to the one she loved.

_At least I got you in my head._

  
***

  
Trixie was silent.

She was sat in the passenger seat of Willam's battered Corsa, feeling a wave of nausea hit her every time they took a turn. Willam hadn't said an awful lot either, and if Trixie had bothered to notice, she would have realised that Willam's knuckles were ghostly white from her intense grip of the steering wheel.

Instead, Trixie was staring with hooded eyes at the blur of buildings as they drove through the city. She felt horrendously sick and deflated, more than she ever had in her life. She was eager to keep her relationship with cocaine as a simple one-night-affair.

A single thought rose above the rest in her chaotic brain, though - and that was Katya. Katya, who had taken care of her. Katya, who had looked at her _like that_. Katya...

Trixie's eyes fluttered shut against the sun's glare, vainly attempting to close her mind. _Katya, Katya, Katya..._

"What were you _thinking_?"

Trixie was startled violently from her daze. "H-huh?"

"Taking drugs."

Trixie dared to glance over at Willam, noting the rigidity of her body as she gripped the steering wheel. Her eyes were focused on the road, though Trixie could see the wobble of her lip and the dipping of her brow.

"I..." Trixie stuttered, misery choking her words. "I-I just wanted -"

"You just wanted _what_?"

Willam made a sudden, unexpected turn. The wheels of the car made a screech across the tarmac and Trixie gasped, clinging to her seat belt and staring wildly at the road that spun away from them in a maddening blur.

They came to a shuddering halt, the tyres bumping against the rise of the pavement. Trixie was panting lightly, her eyes huge.

"What kind of stunt was _that_ , Willam?" she demanded, her sorrow forgotten in the adrenaline of fear and rage. "Do you want to get us killed?"

Willam had her head bowed, her blonde hair falling like a veil around her face. Her response was so quiet that Trixie had to strain to hear it.

"What is is about her?"

Trixie's mouth went dry, her voice a mere whisper. "Who?"

"You know who," Willam's words were hoarse, as though they were painful to speak. When Trixie didn't respond, Willam's head snapped up, her eyes burning desperately into Trixie's. "Katya. What is it about Katya?"

"I -" Trixie's tongue was a useless lump in her mouth, refusing to form the words she needed to say. "I - don't know."

Willam took a sharp intake of breath, her pale fingers loosening their steely grip on the wheel. Trixie watched her as her hands fell to her sides, her body stooping with the tell-tale signs of someone who was crumbling.

“Please, just…get out,” she whispered without casting so much a glance at Trixie, her shaking hand pointing to the passenger door. “I can’t…be with you right now.”

Trixie’s anguish was plain on her face as she gazed at her broken girlfriend. _I did this_ ; the invasive thought rose up like a cloud of black smoke in her mind. _I caused this._

Trixie had nothing to say. She had no excuse, no explanation, no clue on how to make things right. All she knew was pain. Pain, confusion, and loss.

She wordlessly opened the car door, tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. She turned to look at Willam a final time before pushing the door to a close. Willam didn’t look up. Instead, she twisted her key into the ignition and sped off into the road with startling quickness.

Trixie’s glistening tears became sobs as she fought against the tide of suffering battering her insides. She stood helplessly on the busy pavement, not noticing the curious glances of strangers as they weaved their way around her. Her face dropped into her hands as she heaved through the pain, feeling like the world’s worst human being.

*

_**Courtney** hey babe, do u want anything?_

 

Trixie glared at the notification through sleepless eyes, her body rolled up into what could only be described as a ‘pity party burrito’. She shrunk deeper into her duvet, taking comfort in its softness, as she typed a reply.

 

_**Trixie** you know what I want? Some clarity. Some sense. I want to stop hurting everyone I care about. I want to know what the fuck this is with Katya, so I can stop it. Why can’t I stay away from her? I’ve never felt this pull to someone before. This is so fucked, Court. I don’t know what to do. Can I just scream for all eternity until someone gets so sick of it that they shoot me?_

 

Of course, Trixie wasn’t going to send that. It still felt good to type out her chaotic thought stream, though. After a lengthy backspace, she typed a reply.

 

_**Trixie** a cyanide pill if any are going._

 

She pushed her phone away from her; face down on the bed, as she stared at the ceiling.

Courtney had once again been her white knight with her Willam drama.

After sobbing dramatically on the dusty ground of the busy L.A streets, she had fished out her phone and called her.

“C-C-Court?” she had stammered, her sobs mostly subsided but the aftermath of hiccups still very much present.

A sigh had greeted her. “What’s happened, boo?”

Trixie relayed her story, feeling a calmness return to her with every sentence. So calm, in fact, that she suddenly became very self-conscious about the fact she had wailed the house down on a very public street, and now had horrendous panda-eyes and dusty knees.

She noticed the raised eyebrows in the strangers that glanced her way, and she cast her gaze to the ground, lowering her voice.

“Court. Please come get me. This is embarrassing. This is the _worst_. _I_ am the worst.”

A shrewd laugh came through the earpiece. “You aren’t the worst, you’re a human. A messy one though, I’ll give you that. I’ll send Milk to get you – hold tight, Tracy.”

Trixie had felt a churning in her gut – _that was Katya’s nickname for her._

Courtney had greeted her at the door of the apartment after Milk’s delivery with a critical eye, her gaze raking the wreckage that was Trixie Mattel. “Girl,” she had said, pulling her into the apartment and away from prying eyes. “You’re a mess.”

Trixie hadn’t the energy to be offended. She was still in last night’s play-suit, her dirty knees showing up darkly against her alabaster skin. Her eyes were blood shot and circled by the smudged blackness of her mascara. “Too real,” she sighed, exhaustion probing at her.

Courtney’s eyes softened. "Come on," she had took her hand softly, and lead her to the living room. She parked the broken Trixie in between her legs on the soft carpet, running a brush through her matted hair with surprising gentleness.

Trixie could've burst into tears again right then and there.

But she didn't.

Instead, she had returned to Courtney's spare room to wallow in her misery.

Her phone buzzed again against the sheets.

 

_**Courtney** har har. get ur ass up, we're getting take out and watching a movie. u can't stay in there forever._

 

Trixie's smile was broken.

 

_**Trixie** just watch me._  
_**Trixie** but I will. thank you._

 

But Trixie wasn't in a hurry to get up - if she positioned herself just right, she was enveloped in the lingering scent of Katya.

*

Trixie's phone vibrated loudly.

She was curled up tightly on Courtney's sofa, a blanket draped around her. Milk and Courtney were sprawled out beside her, flicking kernels of popcorn at each other every so often. They were sickeningly adorable, Trixie thought.

"What are we even _watching_ , Courtney?" Milk scoffed, his muscled arm creating an arc around the much smaller Courtney. She feigned shock, gasping dramatically and clutching at her chest.

"It's _The House Bunny_. It's a _classic_."

Milk scoffed again, and she pushed his arm playfully. " _Trixie_ likes it."

Trixie, from her cocoon, nodded. She looked at the pair with a genuine smile - if there was anywhere she could feel okay about _not being okay_ , it was here.

"See?" Courtney said triumphantly, puffing her chest out like a proud bird.

Trixie's gaze swept her phone.

She had a text from Katya.

 

_**Katya** how are you feeling?_

 

Trixie couldn't fathom how to answer that question. Not like this.

 

_**Trixie** what are you doing right now?_

 

Trixie watched as three tiny dots appeared below her message.

 

_**Katya** with Latrice  & Roy. exciting times ahead for the cirque, mama!!1_

 

Trixie smiled weakly.

 

_**Trixie** I can't wait to hear all about it._

 

She paused for a moment.

 

_**Trixie** can I see you?_

 

Trixie waited for what felt like an agonising eternity before Katya responded.

 

_**Katya** yes...let's go for a walk?_

 

Trixie's insides felt weak at the very prospect. She disentangled herself from the thralls of the blanket, stretching as she rose.

Courtney eyeballed her with a raised brow. "Where are you going? You can't go back to bed, I won't allow it."

Trixie smiled sheepishly at her, running a hand through her tangle of blonde hair. "I'm just...heading out."

"Out?" Courtney asked, and Milk prodded her arm playfully.

"Court, she's a grown up, you know."

Courtney looked offended. "She doesn't _act_ like one."

"Too real," Trixie scoffed. "Again."

She swept towards the door, intending to make herself look relatively presentable. "I won't be long."

*

Trixie, her hair scraped into a messy bun and dressed in Courtney's borrowed and much too tight clothing, paused at the threshold of the apartment door.

"What am I doing?" she whispered to herself, suddenly becoming acutely aware of the implications of what she was about to do. Part of her knew that her relationship with Willam could not be salvaged - the tattered remains of what was their love was now just - ash, and dust. Even so - the other part of her still longed to make things right. Trixie was a fixer - and being the cause of so much hurt for not only Willam but Katya as well made her ache with sorrow.

She was about to turn back inside, close the door on the road she was about to take, when Katya's voice startled her.

"Tracy Montel."

Well. There was no going back now.

Her face twitched into a smile as she turned back to the doorway. "Hey, Katie."

"Katie?" Katya scoffed, her maroon lips parting into a grin. "I like it."

Trixie took a moment to look at her again - a daring move - and noticed that Katya looked a lot better than she did. She was wearing a huge, bedazzled shirt that screamed "bonjour", and her hair fell around her shoulders in perfect straight waves. Trixie breathed in the familiar scent she exuded - the one she had been losing herself in only hours before.

"Nice shirt," Trixie chuckled, stepping out of the apartment and closing the door behind her.

Katya pouted at her for a moment, and Trixie found herself staring at the fullness of her lips. She quickly glanced away.

"Dare I ask why you're back at Courtney's?"

Trixie bit her bottom lip as the pair of the descended down the steps together. "Um, well. Willam is upset with me."

Katya didn't say anything for a while. They reached the bottom of the steps and turned off into the night, and Trixie was grateful for the soft nip of the evening air against her warm cheeks.

"We don't have to talk about it," Katya said, her steps falling into perfect step with Trixie's own. "If you don't want to."

Trixie felt ridiculously grateful - she knew that she would tell Katya eventually, and soon, but she was completely drained of the details after having to explain herself to Courtney in her earlier mess. "Thank you. So...what's the news?"

Katya lit up at that moment - her face broke out into the widest smirk, and there was a sudden skip in her step. God, she's _so cute_. "Mama...it's all _happening_."

"Chicago reviews all good?" Trixie enquired. She was so unexpectedly invested in the Cirque's success that it almost scared her to delve into the true reasons why.

"Amazing, outstanding, the best," Katya babbled, her hands whirling madly to accent her excitement. "Latrice called Roy and I to his apartment because, well, we've been _scouted_."

"Scouted?"

" _Yes_. A hot-shot rich-o drag queen saw footage of the Chicago show online and she got in touch. She wants to take us on _tour_ , Trix. And do you know what the best part is?"

Trixie, her jaw agape, allowed Katya to stop her in the street. Her bright eyes were dancing with glee, and Trixie could see the streetlights reflected in them like a moonlit river. Despite everything that had happened that day, Trixie couldn't help but be intoxicated by Katya's vibrant enthusiasm. Her worries melted away like the snowfall in the glare of the winter sun.

Trixie grasped Katya's hands, her heart swelling with pride and just, well, pure fucking _joy_. If anyone deserved this, it was the Cirque. If anyone deserved _this_...it was _Katya._

"The best part," Katya breathed, her hands returning Trixie's squeezing with vigour. "It's all to raise funds for an LGBT charity that helps get queer kids off the _street_."

Katya buried her face into her hands at that. Trixie felt warmth for her friend flood her entire being - she could feel it in every single sinew of her body.

"Oh, Katya, that's...it's... _wow_!"

Katya audibly sobbed, her face still in her hands. Trixie enveloped the smaller girl into her arms without a moment's hesitation, feeling the soft thumping of Katya's heart against her chest and the heaves of her breath through her sobs.

"Katya, oh my god," Trixie garbled. "Are you _okay_?"

"I-I-just," Katya's words were muffled against Trixie's shoulder. "It j-just means so _much_."

Trixie knew little of Katya's history - but she recalled the vivid embarrassment of the scene in the Closet's bathroom, where Katya had admitted her addictive past. God, it felt like a lifetime ago.

"I'm so proud of you," Trixie murmured, her lips pressed against Katya's temple. Katya's sobs had subsided into silence, and she was simply leaning into Trixie's embrace.

Suddenly, Katya broke the contact. Her fire had returned, and she grasped Trixie's shoulders with a maddening level of elation, her eyes dancing with delight.

"Trix," she breathed. "Will you play for the Cirque? At our last L.A show?"

Trixie's jaw dropped again. "W- _what_?"

"Yes!" Katya exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air. "You're so _good,_ Trix. We want to make this last show one to remember. You would be a perfect close!"

"Oh Katya, I'm touched, really," Trixie stammered, fear paving it's way through her insides. "But there's no way I can perform in front of a crowd."

"Just consider it," Katya asked, her bottom lip pouting. "Please?"

Trixie looked at her, noting the way her eyes creased when she grinned like tiny bird feet. She felt her insides melt.

"Okay," she resigned, amused as Katya bounced on her heels in response.

"I will be forever in your debt," Katya did a little bow, her waist dipping low. Trixie was reminded of just how flexible she was, and she recalled just how sexy she could make it. She felt her cheeks burn at the thought.

"Polish my shoes while you're down there," she chortled, giving Katya a gentle shove.

The pair of them started to walk again, their steps making light echoes into the quiet night. Katya has humming tunelessly, her smile broad against her lips. Trixie felt tranquil – doing this, just this, with Katya – so simple, but so stupidly wonderful.

“Hey, you know what’s funny?” Katya asked, and Trixie felt she could detect a note of caution in her voice.

“What?”

“Um. Pearl got in touch!”

Trixie’s veins turned to ice. She tried to feign normality, forcing her lips into a false smile and trying to project non-biased interest. “Yeah?”

“Yeah!” Katya, completely oblivious to Trixie’s messy feelings, continued. “She’s in town, funnily enough. She wants to catch up.”

Trixie had to use every fibre of her being not to grind her teeth together at the thought of Katya reuniting with Pearl. She was aware she had no right to feel jealous towards the idea of it, but she'll be damned if she doesn't do it anyway. “Are you gonna…y’know. Go?”

Katya seemed to consider the concept with a bite of her lower lip – as if she hadn’t done already. “Honestly? I don’t know.”

Katya had stopped again, her excitable vibe dampening. Trixie halted beside her, noting the way her shoulders tensed.

“What is it?” Trixie probed gently.

“I would usually hook up with her without a second guess,” Katya sighed, her eyes slowly trailing up to greet Trixie’s. “But something is stopping me.”

Trixie felt her heart contract in her chest. “What’s stopping you?”

“Trix,” Katya turned to face her. Her arms lay at her sides, though so close to Trixie’s own that she swore her skin could feel her even though they weren’t touching. “Don’t play dumb.”

Trixie’s immediate instinct was to joke – forever her method of coping. She clasped a dramatic hand to her chest. “Oh, wow, she’s _dumb_ , America.”

Katya rolled her eyes – though a smile still played on her lips. “America hears you and America concurs.”

“Honestly, so do I,” Trixie replied solemnly, feeling guilty for jesting despite Katya’s reaction. “So…what?”

“So,” Katya sighed. “Pearl’s _great_. She’s attractive, she’s funny, and she’s great in bed.”

Trixie raised a single brow. “Is this going somewhere?”

“Shut up, bitch,” Katya muttered awkwardly, running a hand over the goosebumps rising in her arms. “I’m _trying_. You’re making this _hard_.”

Trixie chuckled, running her index and finger and thumb across her lips in a zipping motion.

“Okay,” Katya sighed, her hands interlaced and fidgeting. “So, yes. Pearl’s great. She’s everything I usually go for.”

Pause.

“But she’s more like a Cindy, and I’m apparently a Barbie girl.”

Katya immediately collapsed into laughter. “Oh, god, I’m sorry,” she wheezed, tears streaming from her eyes. “I’m just…so _funny_.”

Trixie was baffled. “What the hell are you talking about?”

But Katya was still in the thralls of laughter, seemingly unable to stop. Trixie's phone vibrated against her thigh from the depths of her pocket.

She pulled her phone out and gazed at the screen – Willam was calling.

“Fuck,” She whispered, turning away. “Katya, give me a sec.”

She answered. “Hello?”

“Trixie.”

Trixie’s eyes clamped shut. “Willam, hi.”

“Hey. Um,” Trixie could almost hear the inner turmoil in Willam’s strained voice. “I’m…sorry. About before. I just…couldn’t deal with it.”

Trixie sighed. “It’s okay, I like. Get it.”

“I’m ready to talk. Y’know. If you are.”

Trixie cast her eyes over the silhouette of Katya - she had regained her composure now. Her questioning eyes were searching Trixie's.

“I’m kinda busy…”

Katya shook her head slightly, her silliness all but gone.

"It's important, Trixie."

Trixie bit her lip, turning away from Katya for a moment.

"Okay. I'm on my way."

She cursed to herself after hitting the end-call button, and when she turned to explain to Katya, she had gone.

***


	9. Where your preference is love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Willam remained silent, her eyes searching Trixie’s.
> 
> “You deserve someone-" her gaze trailed away again to trace the shapes in the carpet they had made with their feet. “Who loves you better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw drug use!
> 
> another shorty; sorry babies...*cue evil cackle*  
> i've already started chapter 10 ~ i did intend to make this one longer but it made more sense to move what i had planned to the next.
> 
> i'll try my best to get the next one up soon so y'all don't die of anticipation.
> 
> *trixie's past WILL be ruvealed; patience, children*
> 
> love 5ever. please feedback!

_**Trixie** Katya...where did you go? i'm sorry...i promise i'll make this up you. _

Trixie heaved a sigh as she waited outside of what used to be her's and Willam's apartment. She couldn't help but feel stupidly irate at the situation - as always, her crescendo of emotions were causing her great conflict. She felt fearful of the necessary conversation she was about to have with Willam; this, she knew, was make or break, and the most terrifying thing was that she didn't know which one she wanted it to be.

Trixie was startled into reality by the door swinging open.

"You do know this is your apartment too, right?"

Willam looked tired - haggered, even. And that was not a word Trixie would use to describe Willam lightly - she was always assuredly made up and otherworldly levels of beautiful. But today, Willam was outwardly projecting her feelings with her dark-rimmed eyes and tea-stained wife-beater.

"Oh, uh," Trixie fumbled, taking a hesitant step into the apartment. "Yeah."

Trixie felt an immediate discomfort. A place that was once so familiar and she thought of as home became a daunting stranger. She stood in the living room and looked around herself with ill ease, rubbing hands over the goose bumps rising on her arms.

“Do you want a coffee?” Willam was lingering behind her, oblivious to Trixie’s disquiet.

“Uh,” Trixie grunted, her lower lip bulging and quivering. “Um.”

“Trixie?” Willam seemed to notice her change in behaviour. “Are you okay?”

Trixie gazed at Willam, the broken, ever-so-lovely yet problematic Willam, the girl who had held her as she cried after her intense therapy sessions back home, the girl who had whisked her away to L.A to leave her demons behind – the girl who, despite her flaws, loved her. Trixie, her eyes blurred with tears, enveloped Willam into her arms. Willam tensed against the contact for a heartbeat before her arms found themselves linked behind Trixie’s back.

“Willam, I’m so sorry,” Trixie whispered against Willam’s cheek which was growing slick with her tears. “I’m so…so, sorry.”

“Trix,” Willam’s linked hands squeezed behind Trixie’s back. Her voice was hoarse; Trixie could smell smoke in her hair and figured she had been chain smoking, as she so often did when she was upset.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she continued, her face still pressed against Willam’s. “I wasn’t…looking for it.”

“Let’s sit down,” Willam ejected from the hug, suddenly business-like in her stance. She gestured towards the pleated brown sofa where Trixie and Willam had spent so many of their nights; eating, talking, play fighting… _making love_.

Trixie’s eyes watched Willam as she lowered herself onto the sofa with a sigh.

Trixie knew in that moment, looking at her, what she wanted to do. It was as though a single beam of light; some clarity, some epiphany, had broken apart the thunderous clouds in her messy mind.

“Okay,” she breathed, desperately trying to articulate her thoughts into actual words. “Okay.”

“I think,” she said, almost choking on the words that were sticking in her throat like tar. “I think we should break up.”

Trixie couldn’t bear to look at Willam as she said the words she never thought she would say.

The silence that followed almost broke Trixie’s reserve; so after realising Willam was not going to respond, she continued. “This isn’t because of Katya,” she mumbled honestly. She forced her cowardly eyes to look at Willam, who, Trixie was surprised to see, looked completely calm.

She reached a clammy hand over to Willam’s and grasped it gently. “You have done so much for me and I will forever be grateful. But – you deserve better. That’s just the truth.”

Willam remained silent, her eyes searching Trixie’s.

“You deserve someone-" her gaze trailed away again to trace the shapes in the carpet they had made with their feet. “Who loves you better.”

Trixie clamped her eyes shut; silently mourning the loss of the beautiful relationship she once shared with Willam.

After a few more moments of silence, Willam finally spoke.

“Just answer me one thing, Trix.”

Trixie dragged her eyes back up to meet Willam’s.

“Do you love her?”

Trixie winced. “Honestly, Willam? I don’t know.”

Willam scoffed.

“But,” Trixie continued, ignoring Willam’s response. “I’m not going after her. We are friends, and…she has the Cirque. You know? I think I – I need to be by myself…for a while, at least.”

Willam’s eyebrows creased with sudden concern then, and Trixie felt her heart ache. “But…you’ll be okay, right? Are you safe at Courtney’s?”

Trixie remembered fondly how Courtney had tenderly brushed the kinks from her hair after Milk rescued her from the busy sidewalk. “Yes. I’m sure of that.”

Willam nodded, her breath escaping her in a lengthy sigh. “Make sure you tell someone.”

“Tell someone ---?”

“About your past – about your health. Someone needs to keep an eye on you.”

Trixie winced sharply, feeling as though someone had pushed a pressure point in her heart. “Uh, I mean. Yeah.”

“Trixie,” Willam scalded sharply, her features serious. She gripped Trixie’s dormant hand with a level of desperation. “I’m serious – don’t be stupid with this stuff.”

Trixie’s brow furrowed – but she knew that Willam was right. “Okay, okay.”

“That said,” Willam breathed, her eyes training on Trixie’s own. “You can always come to me. I’m not saying we can be friends just yet but…if you need me…if you’re in crisis…just call.”

Trixie felt a sorrowful warmth bloom through her body – Willam was so good to her. She would miss her fiercely.

"Thank you...and I mean the same for you, too."

“Alright, trouble,” Willam said fondly, giving her hand a pat. “Get going. And don’t forget – I’m always here.”

***

Katya absent-mindedly stirred her lukewarm coffee with her pinky finger, humming in acknowledgement every few seconds but never meeting Pearl's eyes.

She was staring instead into the swirling vortex she has created within her cup - and she could almost feel herself spiralling within it like she was trapped in a whirlpool.

Katya knew she had been rash, and quite possibly a little dramatic, walking away from Trixie without a word the way she had done. But, she - she just _couldn't stay_. She had been deluding herself; she thought that maybe the kiss _had_ been something, that maybe Willam _had_ been right about the way Trixie looks at Katya; but Trixie still went to Willam the moment she was asked to.

"Katya?"

Katya decided that she would focus solely on the impeding Cirque tour - Alaska, the incredibly rich drag queen, was due to arrive in the city in a couple of days and wanted to meet the entire of the Cirque to begin the preparations. Katya had been elated at the news when Latrice had dropped in, unannounced, at Katya and Roy's flat - much to Roy's annoyance - a handful of hours before. She felt a burning irritation at herself for allowing her mood to be dampened so easily, and for letting another human being hold such power over her state of mind.

"Katya..."

Katya was startled by the sudden contact of Pearl's outspread fingers against the trim of her jacket. "Oh, uh, yeah! Sorry...what were you saying?"

"You're not here, are you?" Pearl asked in her deliciously deep voice - the voice that had intoxicated Katya in the first place, if she was being honest.

Katya heaved a sigh - she knew she wasn't being fair to Pearl, calling her out of the blue as she moodily trudged away from Trixie barely an hour before and asking her out for a coffee as if it was an expression of protest.

"I'm just -" she paused, chewing her lower lip. "I have a lot going on right now."

Pearl nodded slowly - Pearl did everything slowly, and it made Katya feel motion sick.

"You know it's okay," Pearl said with a non-committal shrug. "I'm not trying to wife you up."

Katya barked a laugh, surprised. "No? But I'm such a _catch_."

"Yeah, sure," Pearl laughed, her eyes creased with amusement. "It was fun, the night in Chicago. But honestly - you just intrigue me. When I was stopping by here, I just wanted to see if you were around - I had something to ask."

"Oh?" Katya asked, curiosity bringing her out of her troubled thoughts. "What's that?"

Pearl smirked. "I wanted to ask if I could draw you."

Katya's jaw gaped. " _Draw_ me?"

"Yeah," Pearl shrugged again, her hands cupping around her herbal tea. "I have a little gallery back in Chicago. I like to roam around and find people of interest to draw."

She smirked again as Katya stared with a gaping mouth at her.

"It's cool if not," Pearl drained the last of her tea, running a soft tongue across her teeth like a cat. "I have someone else in mind, too."

"I mean," Katya mulled this bizarre request in her head; simultaneously feeling both flattered and, quite frankly, a little bit freaked out. "...Yeah, fuck it. Why not?"

Pearl raised a eyebrow at that, extending an open hand to Katya.

Pearl was staying in a middle floor apartment in the heart of the city. Katya hovered at her shoulder as she fumbled clumsily with her key, cursing darkly as she failed to unlock the door for the 6th time or 7th time.

"Here," Katya chuckled, fishing the key from Pearl's tense hands. She twisted the key into the lock and it popped open easily. Pearl's eyebrows rose.

"Are you some sort of witch, or what?"

"A good witch will never reveal her secrets," Katya grinned in response, gesturing for Pearl to open the door.

The apartment was basic - very similar to the Cirque's in Chicago. The walls were whitewashed, but there was some interesting abstract art pieces dotted around to break up the sea of blankness. Katya ogled at them with interest - she'd always liked art, always appreciated it, but never quite _understood_ it.

Pearl shrugged off her leather jacket and ran a hand through her silver hair, her eyes slanting as she watched Katya. "Do you mind if I smoke?"

"Go right ahead," Katya waved dismissively, picking out the details on a painting of black and white shapes that interlaced. She couldn't explain how, but the painting roused some difficult emotions, and she tore her gaze away.

Pearl was toking easily on a lengthy spliff, busying her hands with large sheets of paper and a variety of pencils.

"What is it that you, you know, want me to _do_?" Katya asked.

"Sit," Pearl ordered with an outstretched hand, pointing towards the dark leather sofa pressed against the back wall, her eyes not leaving the collection of art supplies she was fiddling with.

"She's bossy," Katya muttered, but she obeyed.

"Okay!" Pearl announced, abandoning her half-finished spliff in an ashtray on the kitchen counter. "I want you to think about something that invokes a strong emotion - whatever you're comfortable with, of course - and I want you to just focus on that."

Katya cocked her head slightly, an almost pained smile spreading across her crimson lips. "Can I get out my phone?"

Pearl shrugged - she shrugged a _lot_. "Sure, why not. It can be a 21st century drawing - the millennial and their iPhone."

But Katya wasn't paying attention to Pearl's jesting - she was running her thumb in a downwards motion on her phone, scrolling for what felt like an eternity, on her ongoing text stream with Trixie Mattel.

*

"All done."

Katya was brought out of her reverie by the note of satisfaction in Pearl's announcement.

She glanced up, realising her eyes were fuzzy from her incessant staring at her phone screen.

"Wow, I was _lost_."

"You _were,_ " Pearl breathed with delight. She blew gently across her paper, before admiring her work with a smile that betrayed her high. "Come see?"

Katya stretched her aching legs from their slumber before ambling over to where Pearl was stood, her paper stretched across the counter. She peered over Pearl's shoulder at her work - and gasped.

There was Katya, her elbows resting against her knees, her phone cradled in her hand. The smile on her face was faraway, dreamy, and crows feet creased the corners of her eyes. Pearl had shaded beautifully, as if Katya was doused in half-light and half-darkness. It would be clear to anyone what the emotions were in this drawing - the prominent feeling that Katya was embodying; _love_.

The world came crashing down on Katya then - to have her rawness be personified in art; to become suddenly aware that _yes_ , she did love Trixie Mattel, she was madly in love with Trixie Mattel.

_And where was Trixie now?_

"Who's the lucky girl?" Pearl's lips were beside Katya's ear lobe, and her breath tingled against Katya's skin. Katya clung to her breath, worried that she would fall apart if she dared let it out.

Instead, she spun to plant her lips against Pearl's, pushing her body desperately into hers, willing her love and her anguish to be lost in meaningless foolery with someone she didn't care about. 


	10. I dare you play your cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey," she said, mirroring Trixie's stance. Trixie glanced up with barely veiled bewilderment.
> 
> My god, she looked beautiful. The flower crown made her seem precious and fae - much like how Katya had first perceived her, in the hot crowd that fateful night - and her make up was softer than it usually was. Katya couldn't help but gaze at her mouth as it parted with surprise.
> 
> "Oh, you're talking to me now?" Trixie quipped, though her eyes were smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOooO  
> have some cute; katya is the cutest and you can't tell me otherwise.
> 
> i realised i never named latrice's club - here it is; the oscars. named after a gay bar in my city and appropriate 'cause latrice is a musical man.
> 
> i thought y'all deserved a bit of floofy goodness after all the drama...rest assured, there is more to come of both.
> 
> i hope you all love.

“So you and Willam definitely aren’t a thing anymore?”

Trixie was sat atop Courtney’s marble kitchen counter in her silky nightgown, her legs swinging absentmindedly at she picked at her cereal. She shook her head miserably.

“You need to eat.” Courtney remarked, eyeballing her bowl.

“Why do all of you act like my friggin’ mother?” Trixie croaked, rubbing her eye with a balled fist. “First Willam, now you…”

“You need mothering, Mattel,” Courtney deadpanned, her eyebrows arched. “Try telling me you don’t.”

Trixie mimicked Courtney’s words childishly; Courtney responded by throwing a balled-up sock in her direction, which narrowly skimmed Trixie’s ear.

“Well, you’ve been moping all week. It’s high time you get out of this apartment.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Well, you never will be if you wallow.”

“I’m _not_ wallowing.”

Courtney shrugged. “Suit yourself,” she said, flashing her brightest smile. “Then you’ll miss the Cirque’s party that Alaska is throwing tonight…”

Trixie glared at Courtney, her stubbornness refusing to release her from its deadly grip. “’Guess I will.”

Trixie crawled back into bed when Courtney had left the apartment. She hadn’t drawn the curtains for so long that she had almost forgotten what her room looked like in the light of day.

She had been moping; she knew that was the truth. It had been a week since the fateful conversation with Willam and she was feeling broken in ways she never thought was possible. She was being eaten alive by a primary emotion; _guilt._ She didn’t _deserve_ to go to the Cirque’s party. She didn’t _deserve_ to have any sort of enjoyment. So her plan was to remain in bed until the inevitability of death by misery.

The guilt spilled out into her other thoughts; she was also feeling irate and saddened by the fact she had not heard anything from Katya. She hadn’t told her about what had happened with Willam – she figured that was a conversation they ought to have in person – but she had sent a couple of texts that she had simply ignored.

Trixie sighed, clicking open a playlist on her Spotify that she had in reserve for situations such as these – not that she was being dramatic. Trixie Mattel was never dramatic.

*

Trixie woke hours later with a fright – something had jolted her bed, and she bolted upright, afraid of an earthquake.

“Wha-ha-happen?” she stammered, her half-asleep eyes darting wildly around the room until they landed on a broadly grinning Courtney who was crouched on her bed.

Trixie’s brow furrowed as the thralls of sleep released her and reality dawned. “You cunt, you scared me.”

Courtney was bouncing lightly against the mattress, causing her beautiful blonde curls to dance. Trixie couldn’t help but crack a slight smile at that.

“Jesus, I’m surprised your face didn’t break,” Courtney grinned, playfully cuffing Trixie’s jaw with her fist. “Come on – you’re getting up. We’re going out.”

Trixie groaned, rolling her eyes to the back of her head and throwing herself back down onto her bed. “Courtney, why? Why can’t you just leave me to _die in peace_?”

***

Alaska – or Justin, as he was out of drag – eyeballed the map of the United States that was splayed across the tiny table in Latrice’s empty bar. His over-plumped lips were smacking every few seconds as he carefully placed a pin at each destination.

Katya was sat opposite him with Violet, compiling a playlist for their final L.A show; their determination to make it the best show yet never dampened for a moment.

“What’s that, like, dramatic violin piece?” Violet hummed, forever vague and somewhat unhelpful, Katya couldn’t help but think. “It would be _dope as hell_ for Milk’s performance.”

“Oh, okay, sure,” Katya barked a laugh, pretending to type “dramatic violin piece” into Spotify. “I totally know which one you mean.”

Violet pushed Katya’s shoulder playfully. “Shut up. You’ll know the one. From the British version of 'Got Talent'.”

"I can't believe you watch that garbage," Katya scoffed in response.

"Simon does things to me," Violet giggled with an exaggerated shudder. "It was those women with the electric violins."

“Oh, bitch,” Katya beamed, scribbling the name (Palladio) on a piece of lined paper that was so disorganised that it could only ever make sense to her. “You’re so right.”

“Aren’t I always?” Violet batted her eyelashes at her.

Roy was hovering nearby – he was giving an air of disinterested boredom, but Katya knew better. He was just as excited as the rest of them about the impending tour.

“Was the witch box really necessary, miss thing?”

Katya grinned broadly at her friend. “Ab-sol-ute-ly.”

Latrice, in his wild excitement for the closing show, had allowed a portion of their budget to be blown on some party-style amenities for the night. Each of the Cirque had been granted permission to pick something to buy, and Katya couldn’t resist the eerie rubber man trapped in a box who “read your fortune”, or rather, spouted out random tarot cards.

Katya cast a loving eye over it now, sat in the middle of the empty room. The box was painted purple with gold lettering and patterns emblazoned all over, and the man himself looked like a British villain from a Bond movie; complete with a top-hat.

Roy gestured for Katya to join him, away from Violet's prying eyes. Katya skipped towards him with over-enthused joy - she really was happy today, being here, in her home, surrounded by her family.

"I wanted to give you a heads up," Roy hissed, his head dipped close to Katya's. "Courtney text me and she's bringing Trixie tonight."

Katya's heart skipped a beat. _Trixie_. Trixie was coming. Trixie, whom she had been avoiding. Trixie, who only last week she had realised she was desperately in love with. "Um."

"Have you still not spoken to her?"

Katya suddenly felt hot all over - her hands were beginning to clam up, despite the coolness of the building. "Um."

"You're so freakin' _dumb_."

Katya's chest almost broke from the sigh that escaped her lips. "I know. I just...didn't know what to do, Roy. I'm super dumb. I - just. I don't know."

Roy's eyes softened at the edges ever so slightly - something so discreet, that only those who truly knew Roy could ever notice such a thing. "Miss thing, please will you communicate with the girl tonight? Take it from an old bitch who knows: lay out your stupid heart and get a final answer. We're all sick of the drama."

Katya gave Roy a shaky smile, knowing that this was his unique way of giving advice and supporting her. She reached out to grasp his hand in her own. "You got it, Bee."

Roy shook the contact away with disgust. "Don't touch me."

*

The Oscars looked beautiful by the time the decorating was done.

There were lights strung across every wall, creating a hazy white beam across the empty dance-floor. There was a giant banner strewed across the largest wall, painted messily with rainbows, fire, and other circus figures – and the giant, bold words “TOUTES NOS FÉLICITATIONS CIRQUE!”

Violet was admiring her handiwork, the tell-tale signs of paint still flecking her impossibly long nails. “I’m an _artist_.”

Katya followed her gaze with a chuckle of agreement. They weren’t long from beginning their celebrations, and Katya couldn’t help but be somewhat strategic about her choice of outfit – she was wearing a black sequin body suit with dark tights, and large, shiny black boots. Her hair was a wild tangle of blonde waves and she spent longer than was necessary perfecting her smoky eyes. If this was the day she was to make or break whatever her relationship was with Trixie, she at least wanted to look good doing it.

Violet glared at her with a side-eye. “Who are you trying to impress?”

Katya merely shrugged, her smile betraying nothing.

Alaska entered the building in a puff of what could only be described as _whore’s bath_ – her scent was hugely intoxicating and Katya forget for a single moment that she was a man in a wig.

She had a strange bird’s nest-style wig resting on her head, and her dress looked like it might have been made out of garbage bags. From what Katya had seen of Justin, she believed that it could truly _be_ made of garbage bags, despite the thousands of dollars in his bank account. His face was sculpted into feminine perfection and despite herself, Katya stared.

“Full drag for a private party?” Violet scoffed, her eyes huge in her petite little face. “That’s a bit extra. Don’t let Roy see.”

Alaska shuffled with bent wrists towards the pair of them, and she laughed softly as she noted the dropping of Katya’s jaw. “Sorry, I’m not into the puss.”

“Dang,” Katya swung her fist, amused at herself.

“’Lasky!” Latrice bellowed from the empty bar, lining up a bottle of everything he could get his huge paws on. “You look fabulous.”

Alaska wiggled her shoulders at him with a raised upper lip. “Oh, _stop._ ”

“The rest of the crew should be here any minute,” Latrice announced, carefully balancing a tower of plastic cups on the side of the bar. “Vi, can you set up the music?”

Violet nodded, her eyebrows still raised at Alaska as she glided off towards the stage.

“So, you’re a lesbian,” Alaska grinned, grasping Katya’s bicep and giving it a teasing squeeze. Katya was somewhat surprised at the interaction they were having – out of drag, Justin was all business.

“It’s that obvious?” she asked with a laugh.

The front door of the club swung open quite suddenly, interrupting the banter between Katya and Alaska. Katya’s eyes were instantly drawn to the striking pair whose heals clacked against the wooden floor as they came closer.

Trixie and Courtney were really quite a beautiful duo – Courtney was in a dazzling pink dress that clung to her body perfectly, her hair twisted up and sitting on top of her head. Trixie wore a floral dress of interlacing purple, white, and gold flowers. The front of her hair was pulled back behind her head; the rest was flowing down the sides of her face, slightly kinked at the ends. She had a crown of huge white flowers sitting on the crest of her head, and a ring through the middle of her septum. _Since when did she get that done?_

Katya felt her breath catch - Trixie was otherworldly.

Katya’s gaze was faraway and she was sure that everyone in the vicinity could hear the rapid thumping of her heart.

Alaska chuckled beside her, missing nothing. “It’s that obvious.”

*

It didn’t take long for the party to begin once all the guests had arrived – it was mostly the Cirque and their extended family, but there were also some friends of Latrice’s, and even a couple of loyal Cirque fans who had supported them from the humble beginning.

The air was light and full of good feeling. Milk and Courtney were a tangle of limbs, as they so often were now, sinking into a single bean-bag, each with a glass of champagne and their heads thrown back in fits of laughter. Latrice was acting as a bar-host, cheerfully filling every waiting glass. Kennedy and Roy were milling around the little group of fans, their grins broad against their lips; and Violet was attempting to teach a tipsy friend of Latrice how to suspend themselves on an aerial hoop.

Katya had been spending time with Jay and Raja – her Cirque tour planning had overcome her life this last week, and she felt a twinge of guilt at how angry she’d been with the pair of them the night Trixie had indulged in their cocaine.

After a while, she spied Trixie leaning against the bar; alone. Katya had shared a few heated glances with her, and even the beginnings of a smile on Trixie's lips, but she hadn't yet had the opportunity to speak to her alone.

"I'll be back," she hissed in Raja's direction, who smirked knowingly and nodded.

Katya could feel her pulse quicken as she swept towards Trixie, whose elbows were leaning against the bar with her body dipped forward; _damn, her ass looked good_. Katya shook the thought from her head, squinting her eyes so that her vision was blurred.

"Hey," she said, mirroring Trixie's stance. Trixie glanced up with barely veiled bewilderment.

 _My god_ , she looked beautiful. The flower crown made her seem precious and fae - much like how Katya had first perceived her, in the hot crowd that fateful night - and her make up was softer than it usually was. Katya couldn't help but gaze at her mouth as it parted with surprise.

"Oh, you're talking to me now?" Trixie quipped, though her eyes were smiling.

"I guess so," Katya shrugged, noticing the cup clenched in her hand. "Drinking?"

Trixie shook her head. "Not tonight."

"Really?"

"You don't have to sound so surprised," Trixie scoffed, taking a delicate sip of her non-alcohol.

Katya wheezed, throwing her hands up dramatically. Trixie glared at her for a moment, before her eyes widened at something beyond what Katya could see.

"Is that ---" she pushed herself off the bar. "A ball pool?"

Katya grinned as she turned to follow Trixie's gaze. "Yep - that's Jay's contribution to the party."

"Oh, bitch," Trixie bounced from foot to foot, her excitement child-like. She grasped Katya's hand in her's and dragged her towards the corner of the club.

The ball pool was exactly that - a blow-up box, filled with hundreds of brightly coloured plastic balls. Fairy lights were hanging above it, casting a mythical glow on the untouched sea of colour. Katya hovered by the side of it, expecting Trixie to dive in; but she felt a sudden shove against her back and she went tumbling into the pit face-first.

"Bitch!" Katya choked, batting the balls away from her face. Trixie launched herself into the pit beside her, squealing with delight.

"That's for ignoring me," she said breathlessly, her eyes bright and dancing with mischievous glee.

Katya responded by throwing a red ball at Trixie's arm - which missed it's target and bounced back into the pit.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. "Are you that old that you can't even aim a ball anymore?"

"Bitch," Katya exclaimed a second time, tugging Trixie's arm to bring her down into the sea of baubles. Trixie screamed, laughter creasing her eyes.

Katya threw a leg over the rise of Trixie's hips and straddled her, her hands pinning Trixie's own above her head. "Am I _old_ , Tracy?"

Trixie's laughter was merely a shuddering breath now; tears of amusement cutting tracks into her make up. "Oh my _god_."

Katya could feel the shudders of her laughter beneath her legs, and she smiled triumphantly as she released Trixie's wrists from her grip.

Trixie's laughter eventually subsided, and Katya rolled off her, to lie beside her against the satisfying clacking noise the balls made when they bumped together.

"So..."

Trixie was leaning on her side now, the palm of her hand cupping her chin.

"Are you gonna tell me why you were avoiding me?"

Katya's muscles seized for a moment. "Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Honestly," Katya breathed, fiddling with the balls collected at her feet. "I was upset by you leaving to go and see Willam."

"I broke up with Willam."

Katya's eyes widened - she was not expecting that. "Y-you..."

" _Right_?"

Katya's head began to spin with endless questions. "Come outside," she urged, hooking her arm through Trixie's and guiding her out of the ball pit, and away from the din of the party.

They exited through the side door by the bar; the night was young, and the sky was still light with the promise of the impending sunset. Katya parked Trixie at one of the outdoor tables, flicking a cigarette from the stash in her bra with impressive quickness. She remained standing and sparked up her lighter, fiddling with it for a moment before the fire ignited.

"I feel like I need a cigarette for this conversation," Katya mumbled, her lips distorted by the filter.

"Bitch," Trixie folded her arms, her eyebrows raised. "Even _I_ need a cigarette for this conversation."

Katya laughed nervously, taking a deep drag of poison into her lungs. The relief was almost instant as she let the coils of smoke exit her lips in a distorted cloud. "Okay. I'm ready."

Trixie fidgeted on the bench, shuffling herself around like an impatient child. "I mean, uh. I told her that...she...that she deserved better. You know?"

Katya nodded, her eyes greeting Trixie's for a moment - knowing there was more to it than that.

"She ...asked me about you."

Katya forgot about her cigarette - it was lingering between her middle and index fingers as her arms lay at her sides, and the embers were dangerously close to her skin. Her gaze was soft as she looked upon Trixie's face, noting the way her nerves were painfully obvious in the way she held herself.

"I..." Trixie exhaled a breath, staring into Katya's eyes. "I have feelings for you."

Kaya's mouth gaped; a flush of dizziness threatening to bring her to her knees. Her pulse was racing impossibly fast and she prayed for a moment to the universe to slow it down. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Trixie replied, and Katya realised that her eyes were glistening with unshod tears.

"Hey," Katya whispered, offering Trixie her hand. Trixie took it into her own gratefully, rising from the bench with a soft cry.

Katya enveloped Trixie into her warmest embrace, feeling her body shake with gentle sobs. Katya's body was alight with love; feeling Trixie's pressing against her own, but she quelled her own impossibly huge feelings to take care of Trixie's in the moment.

"Trix, it's okay. You can't help feelings - they just are."

Katya could feel Trixie nod against her. "I - I know. I just - I feel so _guilty._ On you, on Willam. On everyone."

"That's because you're a good person," Katya stated, moving out of the hug to look into Trixie's eyes. "And I'm sure you know that - that I have feelings, too."

Trixie gazed back at Katya with the beginnings of a watery smile playing on her lips.

"But - there's no pressure for anything to happen," Katya insisted, her hands on Trixie's wrists. She gave them a light squeeze. "You're my friend, first. Take all the time you need."

"Katya," Trixie whispered, her eyes softened and her lips parted just ever-so-slightly. Katya smiled, wiping the lingering tears from beneath Trixie's eyes. She hovered her touch over Trixie's nose for a moment. "When did this happen?"

"Oh, it's not real," Trixie laughed softly, poking at the ring through her septum. "I'm trying something new. Isn't that what kids do nowadays when they go through a break up?"

Katya chuckled. "It's cute - you should get it done."

_I am the great Zuccini, and I will reveal the card of your future!_

Recognition dawned on Katya as she heard the bellowing voice, and her eyes grew wide with glee. "Oh, Trix, you gotta do this!"

"What the fuck _was that?_ " Trixie gasped, her tone returning to some sense of normality and allowing Katya to lead her by the hand back into the soft din of the club. "And isn't Zuccini a friggin'  _vegetable_?"

Katya laughed heartily, dragging the beautiful Trixie towards the colourful box that was propped against the wall by the door. She beamed at her, gesturing for Trixie to approach the mystical man in the box.

"Katya," Trixie scoffed, her gaze critical as it swept the great Zuccini. "Why?"

"Do it."

"Okay, jeez."

Trixie fed the machine a couple of quarters, and watched with barely disguised scepticism as the box lit up before her. Katya watched her face as the dancing lights cast shadows on the rise of her cheeks and the dimple of her chin - she was truly beautiful. And she _liked_ her. Katya's mind was still churning with disbelief and wonder.

The box shuddered and choked - Katya wondered for a moment if it was going to give up and die - but then, the box shot out a single card from the slot.

It landed face down against the dusty floorboards, and Trixie bent to pick it up.

"The lovers."

She gazed at Katya with a raised eyebrow, the roses of her cheeks turning red.

Katya felt a burn under her skin as she blushed right back. 

***

 

 


	11. Hard on the call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't want to leave you. Maybe I --- maybe I should stay."
> 
> Trixie pushed herself away from Katya for a moment; so that she could meet her eyes with the fiercest glare. Katya's cheeks were still red from her crying, her make up smudged messily across the space below her eyes. Trixie still thought that she looked beautiful. 
> 
> "Listen," Trixie said, her hand gripping Katya's. "You are going on this tour. It's all you've talked about for weeks and I would never stand in the way of your dreams. I won't talk to you ever again if you don't go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE HUGE HUGE TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, mental illness, mentions of attempting suicide  
> *IF YOU WANT TO SKIP OUT TRIXIE'S FLASHBACK FROM HER PAST, IT IS ALL IN ITALICS*  
> okay, whooOoO. this one's a journey, you guys.  
> starts out adorable & ends up pretty heavy.
> 
> part one of trixie being the ross we deserved back in the last season of friends.
> 
> sorry it took a while ~ i hope you enjoy, i know this one's a wild ride <3

Trixie leaned to whisper delicately into Katya's ear beside her. "Did she _really_ win drag race?"

Katya's perfect mouth formed an 'o' of surprise, and she clasped a hand over her lips to conceal it. "T _rixie_!"

Trixie grinned sheepishly, her eyes trained on Alaska as she performed a questionable rendition of Oasis' "Wonderwall". The party were collected by the stage in a cluster of excitement, encouraging the strange Alaska with intoxicated wails of approval. Trixie and Katya, the only two of the group who were stone-cold sober, were wincing every time the incredibly drunken Alaksa attempted to hit a high note.

Trixie, despite her recent plight, felt lighter than she had in the longest time. Her admission to Katya took huge courage and she could still feel the shivers across her spine she had felt when she had finally said it. Their relationship may well be impossible to pursue, Trixie knew, but she was enjoying being with Katya this night all the same; with no secrets and no tension between them, just pure, true feeling.

Latrice, his bar-tending abandoned after he had consumed one too many mojitos, clocked Trixie's presence in the little crowd. "Tracyyy! Go and help 'Lasky, we have a - _hic_ \- guitar backstage!"

Trixie grimaced - her guitar playing _could_ improve the situation, seeing as Alaksa was wailing with no backing track - but she was still fearful of playing in front of a crowd, even one as small as this.

"Go on, Trix," Katya hissed through clenched teeth. "You can only make this better. Besides, everyone's a mess."

" _You're_ not."

Katya grinned knowingly, and Trixie felt her stomach somersault. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"Trix---eee," Latrice slurred, approaching her with a huge pout. "Pleaseeee."

Trixie huffed a tiny breath of fear, her eyes training on the spotlights that flooded the stage. _You can do this, bitch. It's nothing. It's only for fun._

She gave Latrice a wobbly smile. "Okay, okay. Where is this guitar?"

Trixie was stood side-stage a moment later, an ageing Fender gripped in her clammy hands. She watched as Alaska garbled over the words of the ageless song, and she winced with the blatant massacre of it.

Trixie inhaled sharply and held the breath in her chest for a moment, before stepping onto the glaring light of the stage.

The gabble of drunken people screamed, but Trixie could hear only Katya among them; the loudest, the most feeling. Trixie felt warmth flood her body at the sound.

Trixie smiled awkwardly, feeling eternally grateful for the glare of the lights that mostly distorted every face that was now watching her. She fiddled with the microphone stand that Alaksa had abandoned, cradling her own mic into the top of it.

Alaska had paused in her din, grinning broadly at Trixie as she joined her on stage.

"So, anyway," Trixie muttered into the mic, startling herself with the sound of her amplified voice. "Here's Wonderwall."

Trixie couldn't help but cast a glance at Katya then; Katya, who was doubled over and wheezing with laughter. Trixie felt braver every time she looked at her.

Trixie began strumming the simple chords, her confidence rising with every strum of her fingers and every slide of the fret. She felt the familiar joy she had felt back in Chicago, when she had played for the Cirque in their tiny apartment. The little crowd had silenced themselves when she had started to play and, much to Trixie's surprise, so had Alaska.

Every pair of eyes were trained on her, but the only eyes Trixie truly cared about were Katya’s – and she could see them now, through the glare of the lights, staring up at her with unmistakable admiration. Trixie felt her heart soar, and her confidence bloom; the song was overplayed and cliche, she knew, but she poured her soul into the words and the chords regardless of that fact.

“ _Maybe_ ,” she sang, her eyes closing for a moment as she let the atmosphere of the club wash over her. “ _You’re gonna be the one that saves me_.”

When her hazy eyes opened a crack, she saw that the room was dimly lit now with various lighters and torches from phones – a tiny sea of lights at her feet. Trixie smiled; she felt delighted, in awe. She felt at home.

After what simultaneously felt like forever and a heartbeat all at once, Trixie ended the song to tremendous applause from the little crowd below her. She took a bow, the redness in her cheeks growing as the reality of what she had just done dawned upon her.

“Oh, wow,” she breathed, blushing furiously as everyone continued to cheer for her.

She stole a glance towards Katya; Katya, who was jumping up and down like a crazed wild woman, clapping and wailing louder than anyone else.

Trixie jogged down the steps by the stage, exhilaration stealing her breath as she grasped Katya’s arm.

“Hey, Katya?”

“You were so good, mama, like wow, I’m---“

“Katya!”

“Oh…sorry…yes?”

“I’ll do it,” Trixie’s eyes were sparkling.

Katya tilted her head, confusion pinching her face. “Do what?”

“Perform,” Trixie gasped, excitement gushing through her veins. “At your closing show.”

Katya’s eyes widened. “Oh, _bitch_!”

*

The next day Trixie spent hauled up in her room.

It was how she had spent the majority of the week, but today, it wasn’t because she was riddled with guilt and haunted by the demon of depression; it was because she needed to _focus_.

She had decided to write her own song for the finale of the Cirque – a risky choice, she knew, but somehow it felt right.

She was nestled in a bright pink bathrobe, a handful of moleskin notebooks piled messily in front of her. She had always wrote music- it had gotten her through the darkest times of her life – but she felt she needed to write something new for such a special occasion.

She chewed the end of her pen thoughtfully as she gazed down at the chaotic scribbles on various open pages, trying desperately to make them all _fit_.

The door of her bedroom opened without a knock, as it so often did – and Trixie instinctively rolled her eyes.

“Hey, it’s a good job I’m celibate,” she huffed, not looking up. “Or you’d be catching me in the nude with all this blatant invading of my privacy.”

Courtney, forever looking insufferably perfect, glided across the room towards Trixie.

“From the sounds of things,” she scoffed, seating herself on the edge of Trixie’s bed with no invitation to do so. “Your celibacy won’t be for long.”

Trixie’s glare was instant – her song-writing forgotten for the moment.

“What’re you talking about, sis?”

Courtney raised her sculpted brow, a no-nonsense look on her face. “Bitch, anyone within a 20 mile radius can see you and Katya fucking each other with your eyes.”

“Ex- _cuse_ me?” Trixie gasped, a laugh escaping her with a strange mixture of embarrassment and surprise.

“We been done knew,” Courtney wiggled her shoulders, smiling triumphantly at Trixie’s blatant embarrassment.

Trixie heaved a sigh; clearly lying to Courtney was a pointless fete. “Okay, okay, yes. I like her. I like her a lot. Can you drop it now?”

“Nope.”

“ _Courtney_!”

“Listen,” Courtney said, and something about the sudden hint of seriousness in her tone took Trixie aback. She gazed at Courtney, noting the drop of her lips and the furrowing of her brow.

“Listening,” Trixie whispered.

“Katya is my friend,” Courtney said simply, crossing her arms over her breasts. “Please, please don’t hurt her. She’s very… _delicate_.”

"I have no intention of hurting her," Trixie mumbled, feeling a spark of irritation. "I'm not even trying to get anything from her. We agreed - we're friends."

Courtney's face betrayed her disbelief, which only irritated Trixie further. "No offence, but since when did it become your business?"

Courtney's eyes widened with surprise, and Trixie regretted her heated words in an instant as she rose from the bed. "Court, I -"

"Forget it," Courtney said bluntly, waving a hand dismissively. "You're right, it's nothing to do with me."

Courtney exited the room without a glance in Trixie's direction and not for the first time this chaotic week, Trixie felt like a garbage human person.

*

 

**Katya**   
_I can't believe the final show is tomorrow, tracy! are you excited for your debut?!_

 

Trixie was in line at Starbucks, trying desperately to juggle her heavy laptop, her phone, and a handful of change all at once. 

"Um -" she muttered the moment the server asked what she would like; her turbulent brain forgetting the order she made every single time she visited the place.

"Ah - oh!" Trixie had a eureka moment as the disorganised cogs in the mind begin to turn once more. "A hazelnut soy latte, please. Sorry."

Trixie collected her coffee at the end of the line, trying desperately to hide her burning cheeks from the prying eyes of the other people there. She slid into an empty seat in the corner of the room, opening her laptop with a grunt of dissatisfaction as she realised that the name on her cup spelt 'Trinksy'.

"Trinksy?" Trixie muttered, her eyebrows raised. "Really?"

 

**Trixie**   
_no_

 

Trixie flipped through her moleskin notebook, trying to locate her messy scribbles and idle-minded doodles. She decided, after days of chewing anxious dints into multitudes of pens, that she would leave the prison of her bedroom and combine her notes into some form of chord progression and lyrics that made sense - the day before she needed them. Trixie Mattel was _organised_.

 

**Katya**   
_oh mama, you'll be fine. you'll be amazing!! i'm so excited, jsefjsfklkajbs_

  
Trixie wasn't hugely satisfied with her song-writing - she oftentimes was critical of her own work, that much was true, but she didn't feel safe enough mentally to allow her emotions to write her songs. With everything that had happened recently, she'd had to place her feelings in an iron vice and keep them clamped there safely before they spilled out into everything she did.

Trixie typed away, her nails clicking against the keyboard, as she sipped absentmindedly at her lukewarm coffee.

In the midst of her vain attempts to focus, a single thought kept pronouncing itself at the forefront of Trixie’s mind; her exchange with Courtney a few days ago. They had seen each other a few times, usually crossing paths in the mornings where Trixie glared at her laptop in desperate search for a job, and Courtney silently pouring herself a coffee into her giant flask. She missed their silly banter; Courtney had become a very valuable friend to Trixie, and she decided that she had to overcome her fear of confrontation and address the problem that they had.

Trixie huffed a breath, pulling out her phone and typing a rapid text to her.

 

**Trixie**   
_Hey…I’m at starbucks. Do you wanna come drink overpriced coffee and shamelessly people-watch with me?_

 

She then, after giving herself a mental pat on the back for doing something _so_ grown-up and _so_ not Trixie, typed an orderly sequence for her Cirque song whilst humming it against the rim of her cup.

Once Trixie had finished, she skimmed the song with a critical eye. The end result she found she was pleased with, and she smacked her lips with satisfaction as the closed her laptop down.

She glanced at her phone – no response from Courtney.

Trixie sighed. She hated that Courtney was upset with her and she was irritated with herself for allowing her tone to turn the way it had done when they had last spoke; though Trixie was certain that was more to it than that.

She was about to pack up and vacate her table when the front door of the cafe opened to reveal the unmistakable silhouette of Miss Courtney Act.

She glanced about herself, clearly trying to locate Trixie. Trixie raised her hand and wiggled her fingers to get her attention, and smiled when Courtney noticed.

She flounced over to Trixie’s table, her work bag slung over her shoulder. She dropped herself into the vacant seat opposite Trixie with a dramatic sigh.

“God, what a fucking day,” she grumbled, gracefully running a manicured hand through her curls. Trixie stifled a chuckle; she had missed her.

“Bad day at the office?”

“The worst,” Courtney rolled her eyes. “So I was _down_ for this.”

“You didn’t reply to my text, bitch.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Courtney tossed her hair over her shoulder and gave Trixie a glare.

“You’re here,” Trixie agreed with the beginnings of a smile. She hesitated for a moment, before steeling herself to speak again.  
“I’m sorry, you know…about the other day.”

Courtney’s eyebrow was raised in mock-surprise. “Is Trixie Mattel _apologising_?”

“You’re a dick,” Trixie mumbled, feeling suddenly self-conscious. Did she really come across as someone who isn’t sorry when she’d done wrong?

Courtney chuckled. “I’m kidding. And hey, it’s cool. I guess I overstepped the line. I just really love Katya. You know?”

Trixie’s phone lit up at that moment from where it lay on the table – a string of new notifications were rapidly multiplying at Katya texted her chaotic thought stream. Trixie couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah. I know.”

*

Trixie and Courtney parted ways after their coffees – Courtney was spending the night at Milk’s little flat, which she often did, painfully aware that soon she would not be seeing him for a number of weeks. Trixie was afraid to think about the impending tour, so she refused to allow herself to. She knew with a frightening certainty that she would miss Katya with an ache that ran deep.

Trixie decided to wander the streets of L.A to clear her mind after the exhausting task of song writing. It was fast approaching dusk, and the sky was bleeding brilliant orange against the pastel blue. She was paying little attention to the treads of her feet, staring instead at the beauty of the sunset against the skyline, her mind pleasantly blank and her mood high.

She stumbled quite suddenly into a small girl who was waiting at a crossing, her fingers interlaced with someone who Trixie assumed was her father. “Oh, I’m s---“

Trixie was cut off by the gruffness of the man’s voice. “Izzy!”

Trixie’s heart began to hammer in an instant. The voice was eerily familiar. Her wide, fearful eyes darted to the man’s face – _no, it’s not him. It’s not him._

“I’m sorry about that,” the man mumbled with a kindly gaze.

“Oh, uh, it’s ---“ Trixie stammered, her hands visibly shaking by her sides. _No, it’s not him. Stop it. Calm down. Everything’s fine._

“Are you okay?” the man seemed concerned.

 

_"Kiss his cheek, Beatrice."_

_Trixie's tiny eyes were suddenly huge; she giggled nervously, fiddling with the trim of her t-shirt. "N-no."_

_The man beside her became a towering darkness - her step-father wasn't tall by any stretch of the imagination, but to the tiny 9-year-old Trixie, he was impossibly huge. She winced, noting the rigidity of his limbs and sensed what may be coming._

_"You ungrateful brat," he spat, his eyes growing wild. "Mark very_ kindly _let you stay in his house for the weekend, and you won't even say thank you?"_

_His words became a growl, and her step-father crouched to his knees so that Trixie couldn't avoid the fire in his eyes. Mark shuffled uncomfortably, unsure of how to handle the situation._

_"Oh, um," he stuttered, running a hand through his hair. "It's okay, it's really not necessary..."_

_Trixie felt intense pain as her step-father tore at her hair, her scalp burning and her eyes clamping shut. A huge, fearful sob escaped her lips as he released her, a clump of her perfect blonde curls gripped in his closed fist._

_"Next time I tell you to do something," he sneered darkly. "You better do it."_

 

Trixie’s tongue was a lump in her mouth. Her anxiety was fast mounting towards panic, and much as she mentally begged herself to calm down, her body was responding quicker than she could think.

She jolted into a run, stumbling against the pavement in her haste to get away. Her breath came in ragged gasps, the streets blurring into grey nothingness as tears crowded her eyes. Adrenaline was gushing through her veins and every rapid thud of her heart pushed her to move, to run, to hide, to disappear.

Trixie ran for a long time. Just how long, she would never know. Once her muscles started to protest against every stride and sweat was pouring from her temples, she was forced to stop.

She lent against a park bench, panting rapidly. Her heart was in her mouth and her eyes kept darting about herself, as though she was a startled rabbit being hunted by an unknown predator. The people enjoying their sunset stroll in the park were casting curious glances in her direction, but Trixie was none-the-wiser.

For the first time in her mad flight, Trixie’s logic broke through the chaos in her mind. _Call Willam. Call Willam. Call Willam._

With shaking hands, she fumbled with her phone to locate her list of contacts. She pressed clumsily against Willam’s name, almost dialling the wrong person.

The phone rang once. Twice, three times, four.

Trixie almost sobbed out loud. _What if she doesn’t answer? What if she ---_

“Trixie?”

She answered.

Trixie began to cry, heaving and huge sobs. Her voice was obstructed by her own fear, her misery, and her flutter of relief that Willam had answered, but she couldn’t verbalise any of this. All she could do was cry.

“Trixie,” Willam’s voice was thick with concern. “Trixie, where are you?”

Trixie tried desperately to form the words she needed, but all she could do was stammer.

“Trixie. I need to know where you are so I can help you. Please, try to breathe. Remember, like we used to do together?”

Trixie nodded against the phone, even though she knew Willam could not see her. Her cheeks were slick with her tears.

“Breathe in now. And count to 5.”

Willam’s voice was soothing as Trixie closed her eyes and drew in a broken breath. She tried to count, but her mind was still a hive of fear, and she couldn’t concentrate.

“It’s okay.” Willam said softly. “It’s okay, try again. Start again. You got this.”

Trixie did as she was told. She drew in a shuddering breath, and found that this time, she was able to count. _1, 2, 3, 4, 5._

“Good job Trix - and out.”

The pair of them did this for 11 more minutes – Willam, encouraging, soothing, instructing, and Trixie, just breathing.

Eventually, Trixie found that she could speak. “Willam.”

“Yes?”

“I freaked.”

“I know.”

“I thought I saw him.”

There was dead air from Willam’s line for what felt like a lifetime. “Was it?”

“No,” Trixie admitted, goose bumps dimpling across her arms. “I knew, I knew it wasn’t. And I still couldn’t---“

A car pulled up at the side of the street, and Trixie's neck snapped up in an instant.

"Willam, how---"

"I have my ways," Willam's voice responded, as Trixie watched a somewhat dishevelled Katya warily approaching her from the abandoned car.

Trixie's jaw was gaping. "W-Willam. Thank you."

"Anytime. I told you that, didn't I? Now... _tell her_ , Trix."

An empty dialling tone hummed against Trixie's ear, and she gazed up at the confused and concerned Katya.

"What do you need?"

Trixie's breath was a shudder. "Take me home."

Katya extended her hand, and Trixie lay her own against it without a moment's hesitation. "Okay."

*

Trixie didn't speak again for a while.

Katya drove the pair to Trixie's flat in a car Trixie had never seen before; nor did she care to ask.

Katya followed her into the flat once they had arrived with an air of hesitancy, as though she didn't know what she ought to do, or how to behave.

Trixie merely shuddered in the hallway, apparently unable to make a coherent decision about where she should go or what she should do. She suddenly felt the soft caress of Katya's strong hands against her shaking shoulders, somewhere behind her.

"Shall we get you into bed, Trixie?"

Her voice was so gentle and so familiar that Trixie felt herself relax ever so slightly. She nodded, allowing Katya to manoeuvre her across the expense of the apartment maze, until they found themselves in Trixie's bedroom.

Katya parked Trixie on the bed and quickly enveloped her in the pink bathrobe she had abandoned on her bed earlier that day. Trixie's shivering started to abate as the shock gripping her body began to ebb away.

She became suddenly aware that no doubt her eyes would be black circles and that Katya - _Katya_ \- was crouched by her knees, gazing at her with a mixture of maddening emotions.

"I-uh," Trixie stammered, reality dawning fast. "Wow. How did --- okay."

"You okay?"

"I ---" Willam's words reverberated in the chaos of Trixie's wound up mind: _Tell her._

Heaving a defeated sigh, Trixie lay and rolled across the expanse of her bed. "Katya - lie with me. Can you --- hold me?"

Trixie, facing the wall, felt the dip of the bed as Katya clambered onto it. She felt a snaking arm around her side and the comforting warmth of Katya's body pressing against her back. Katya's face became entangled in her wild hair - and she whispered; "I'm here."

That was all it took - Trixie descended into sobs once more, her body shaking with every heave of breath. Her chest ached and her muscles stung from her merciless run. Katya tightened her grip ever so slightly as Trixie cried. "It's okay, I'm here. You're safe."

Trixie felt overwhelmed - it was almost as though she was a young girl again, completely defenceless and immobile, unable to protect herself. She knew she was safe with Katya - but she was lost in a past that only she could see.

"I --- I need to tell you," Trixie stammered, sniffling, trying to grasp at the present and ground herself where she was. "About something."

Katya said nothing; merely squeezed her again.

Trixie wiped harshly at the tears collecting beneath her eyes. "I - I was abused. As a child."

Trixie felt Katya's body tense against her, but she said nothing.

"And, uh," Trixie's words were like tar in her throat - dark, burning, drowning. "Two years ago I - I was once hospitalised for trying to ---"

Trixie took in a sharp breath.

"For trying to end it."

Trixie felt Katya's cheek press against her bare shoulder quite suddenly.

"And, uh. I had therapy. I've like - worked through the abuse. I'm like --- okay. But sometimes - sometimes I have some pretty vivid flashbacks, and um. I saw someone today who I thought was --- him. My step-father."

Trixie felt a tiny surge of growing courage with every word she spoke. "And Willam - Willam knows. Willam has seen me at my worst, and Willam wanted me to tell --- someone. To tell you. So that someone else knows. She's always afraid of seeing me like that again. It messed her up --- you know?"

Trixie felt Katya shudder against her, and she immediately turned to face her. Silent tears were rolling down Katya's reddening cheeks as her shoulders shook.

"Fuck," Katya gasped, vainly attempting to conceal her face. "I'm sorry."

"Katya," Trixie said softly, grasping Katya's tiny wrists in her hands. "You're crying?"

"I just ---" Katya sniffled, her bottom lip wobbling. "I _hate_ that someone did that to you. I hate that you felt that bad. _I hate it,_ Trixie."

Katya descended into sobs then, wrapping her arms around Trixie's larger frame and pulling her close. Trixie's face was pressed against the soft fabric of Katya's loose t-shirt, feeling comforted by the sensation of it against her cheek and the ever-familiar intoxicating scent that was Katya: the intriguing mix of vanilla, incense, and the smell of outside.

"I won't let anyone hurt you again," Katya mumbled against the crown of Trixie's head. "And I want you to tell me, if you ever feel bad again."

Trixie nodded in response.

"And I think you should tell Court, too. 'Cause...someone needs to know, while I'm ---"

"While you're gone."

The silence that enveloped them then was almost deafening. Katya heaved a sigh that caused Trixie's head to rise and fall with her breath. This was the first time they had broached the subject of Katya's impending absence.

"I don't want to leave you. Maybe I --- maybe I should stay."

Trixie pushed herself away from Katya for a moment; so that she could meet her eyes with the fiercest glare. Katya's cheeks were still red from her crying, her make up smudged messily across the space below her eyes. Trixie still thought that she looked beautiful.

"Listen," Trixie said, her hand gripping Katya's. "You are going on this tour. It's all you've talked about for weeks and I would never stand in the way of your dreams. I won't talk to you ever again if you don't go."

Katya's crimson lips parted in a wobbly smile. "Okay. But --- will you be okay?"

"I'm always okay," Trixie assured her, feeling stronger than she could remember feeling; lying here with Katya, knowing that despite that she would always have some degree of adversity to overcome when it came to her past and her mental health; she was okay. She would be okay.


	12. It's all about what you bring to the crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now, this is a first for the Cirque," Latrice hummed against the microphone, stepping lightly around the stage as he spoke. "We have - yes - a never before seen spectacle! She's our own dainty little country rose, as precious as they come, and she will weave a spell on you unlike any other!"
> 
> Trixie's eyes clamped shut against the wave of cheering, waiting for the moment.
> 
> "She's the Cirque's personal Barbie girl...Trixie Mattel!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for how long it took me to write this - i was travelling for a lot of september, and my eyes have been broken...either way, i hope you enjoy this update!
> 
> i enjoyed writing it.
> 
> THE 1975 FANS --- CLOCK THE REFERENCE. 
> 
> i chose for trixie to perform this song because - hashtag tmi - i've been sad and listening to it a lot.
> 
> and --- trixie played the spice girls song when i saw her in my home city (L)
> 
> p.s. thank you to my yam for helping me decide on trixie's outfit for the show, and just generally being a supportive little bean.
> 
> tumblr: moastarc.tumblr.com  
> come say hey!

A beam of heavy sunlight broke Katya's slumber.

She woke, not for the first time, with her arms enveloping the deeply sleeping Trixie Mattel. Katya yawned, and winced. It was the Cirque's final show today. Tomorrow, the Cirque would begin their tour of the states; tomorrow, she would be leaving Trixie behind in the harsh city of Los Angeles.

Katya shuffled closer to her now, longing to be closer to her for the brief amount of time that they had left before they were tore catastrophically apart. Trixie stirred beneath her arms.

"H-huh. Katya?"

Katya gave Trixie a gentle squeeze. "Hi."

"Hi."

Trixie turned beneath Katya's embrace, so that she was facing her. Her smile was light against her lips; her face marked and cracked from the hours of tears she had endured the night before.

"How are you feeling?" Katya asked, taking a moment to tuck a flyaway lock of Trixie's hair away from her face.

"I feel okay." Trixie said, certainly seeming much calmer than she had done before. Trixie's eyes suddenly widened. "Oh god. I'm performing today."

Katya's lips parted into a grin. "Oh, bitch. You sure _are_."

"What if I mess up?" Trixie immediately began to babble, bunching up the bed-sheets with balled fists. "W-what if I ruin the entire ---"

"Tracy Joanne Elizabeth Mattel," Katya interjected, poking the softness of her freckled nose with an outstretched forefinger. "You won't."

"But ---"

"You _won't._ "

Trixie's lips parted into a shaky smile, and Katya felt her insides melt.

"Anyway," Trixie's breath was a shudder. "Get outta here. I have to make myself look amazing, and I'm sure the cirque won't be impressed if you show up late with your bed-hair."

*

"Places, you little fucks, _places_!"

Alaska, completely de-dragged and speaking in business-like aggression, barked orders at the rabble of Cirque performers. Violet rolled her eyes in Katya's direction, who stifled a laugh against the palm of her hand.

"It's not _our_ fault he decided to get fucked up the night before the closing show," she moaned cattily, a hand on her hip.

Jason was sipping gingerly at a sparkling water every so often, clasping a hand to his forehead with pained dramatics. "Ugh, fuck my _life_."

The group had been making final preparations for the show at the Oscars since the break of noon, and Katya was filled with a strange combination of anticipation, fear, and sorrow. She would miss the Oscars, and though a friend of Latrice was resuming the running of the place while they were gone, it was her home.

Jason's drained eyes raked the group who were stood before him once everyone had gathered. "Okay. I've managed to get the press in tonight, so this show needs to be _spectacular_. It will spread the word about the tour and may even make international news."

Katya exhaled a strong breath, in sync with the rumble of gasps around her. _International?_ She marvelled for a moment how travelling the earth would feel - sharing her performances, her story, and raising money for the cause - with the world.

"That's so exciting, 'Laska!" Latrice beamed, his mouth broken into the hugest of grins.

"Yes, yes," Jason waved an idle hand at his excitable business partner in dismissal. "So let's all stick to the script, and make sure you bring your best games tonight."

"And," Katya grinned knowingly at Latrice. "We have our trump card."

Jason eyed Katya warily, their almost flirtatious exchange barely a fortnight earlier seemed like another time entirely. "Trump card? Am I missing something?"

"Trixie Mattel is closing the show!" Latrice threw his arms out with excitement, his head tipped back.

Jason's eyebrow raised in an instant, redness creeping up his neck. "Who?"

"Trixie Mattel," Latrice slapped Jason on the back, causing him to stumble slightly. "She was the girl who played with you at the party!"

Jason's eyebrows knitted together in an irritated frown. "When were you going to run this by me?"

"Ah, 'Lasky, come on," Latrice's voice rumbled goodheartedly. "It's my last night here - _our_ last night - and she's phenomenal. You can't deny how she made us all feel."

Jason seemed to ponder this for a moment, though Katya could guarantee that he had no recollection of his intoxicated swaying when Trixie had stolen the spotlight from him. "Alright, I guess," Alaska muttered, draining his glass of sparkling water in a single, desperate gulp. "She better be good."

*

Barely an hour later, the Cirque had collected in the dressing room for a final time. Katya had decided to wear a black bralette and high-rise shorts, with gem tights that glistened in the light. She completed the look with a sexy red heel, and her hair was deliciously wavy.

Roy was sat beside her in the half-way house to becoming Bianca, with a full face of clown make-up and lacking in a wig. Katya had seen her transition more times than she could ever count, but she would never lose her amusement at seeing a wig-less, made-up Bianca Del Rio.

"What are you grinning at, you cunt?" Bianca barked, pressing a huge eyelash to the droop of her lid.

Katya chuckled softly. "Nothing, Bee. Love you."

"Shut up," Bianca responded, though her huge, red lips twitched into a tiny smile. "When's your girlfriend arriving?"

" _You_ shut up," Katya muttered, pursing her lips around the straw of her mocktail. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Yeah, yeah," Bianca rolled her eyes. "Give it 5 minutes and they'll be a U-Haul parked outside my apartment."

"Funny."

Bianca dropped her mascara for a moment and gazed at Katya, sensing the change in her tone. Katya's head was dipped, her hands fidgetting with the gems in her tights.

"Don't do that, stupid. You'll rip them off."

Katya ceased immediately, though her gaze didn't waver. She examined the cracks in the wooden floorboards with a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong with you, Miss Thing?"

Katya hesitantly raised her eyes to greet Bianca's, fearing that if the words parted her lips that she may not be able to stop the flow of them, and they may drown everyone in their wake. "I just ---" her lower lip wobbled dangerously. "I'll miss her. I worry about her. That's all." Katya awaited Bianca's scathing comment, but to her utmost surprise, the comment never came.

She felt a strong hand squeeze her upper-arm, and she gasped softly. "You cute little fuck," Bianca grinned, squeezing her again for good measure. "Courtney will be here with her, and you have, you know, FaceTime, or whatever. You can send each other videos of your pussy. Is that what you lesbians do in long distance relationships?"

Katya's laugh eradicated the tears collecting in her eyes almost immediately. "You dumb fuck, how should I know?"

"Oh of _course_ not," Bianca mused, returning her attention to the make-up brush she had earlier abandoned. "Because you aren't dating each other. Right? You kids and your fucking commitment issues, I swear."

Katya's amusement was clear in her tone. "Says you, whore."

"I'm old, I'm _allowed_ to be a whore."

Katya felt hugely grateful for Bianca then - not that she didn't often feel it, Bianca had done more for her than anyone else ever had - but she felt it in the core of her bones, in the steady thumping of her pained heart. She was truly blessed to be cared about so deeply by this crazy, wonderful, silly human being. "Love you, Bee."

A pause.

"Love you too, idiot."

*

Trixie stepped gingerly into the living room, her fidgeting hands currently fingering creases into her white skirt. Her pink plaid shirt was tucked expertly into it, secured with a golden belt buckle. Layers of fringe fell from her sleeves like white rainfall. She had spent a full two hours on perfecting her golden curls and painting a masterpiece upon her face. Her eyelids glistened pink in the soft light, and rose-gold flecks brightened her plush lips.

Courtney was probing a tiny gemstone into her pale pink nails from where she sat on the sofa, her tongue poking from the corner of her mouth and her brows furrowed in utmost concentration. It took Courtney a few moments to feel the anxious burn of Trixie’s gaze, and she finally looked up. Her eyes widened in an instant. “ _Trixie_! You look amazing!”

Trixie’s lip wobbled, the fear of performing clouding her mind from everything else. Courtney rose from the sofa, sensing her unease at once. She wrapped a gentle arm around Trixie’s middle and gave her a comforting squeeze. “You’re going to do great,” her voice was so soft and so sure that Trixie almost felt like she could believe her. She released a baited breath, the vices clamping her lungs coming undone for just a moment.

“Well, I can’t back out now,” Trixie grumbled in response, dipping to collect her baby pink guitar case from where it lay at her feet.

Trixie’s phone buzzed in her hand.

 

**Katya**

_Face your fears, doll face. I’ll be there to catch you when you make the jump._

 

_Dollface?_ Trixie’s lips broke into an amused grin. _What a dork._

 

**Trixie**

_We’re calling each other pet names now, are we? Okay, Grandma. *heart emoji*_

 

Katya’s response was immediate.

 

**Katya**

_I’m only 5 years older than you, cunt. *heart emoji*_

 

**Katya**

And I like how you ignored my sincerity.

 

Trixie bit her lip for a moment.

 

**Trixie**

_Sincerity is scary._

*

They were late.

The cab they had pre-ordered never showed, and Trixie had fast approached her melt-down mode as she hopped foot to heeled foot outside of her and Courtney’s apartment.

“Court,” she had garbled, gripping Courtney’s bare shoulders with a wild desperation. “What if we don’t get there, what if I miss my cue? Oh my god, Katya would be so disappointed. And Latrice! And ---“

Trixie's manic tirade was cut short by Courtney's manicured hand slapping against Trixie's cool cheek. It wasn't very hard, but it was enough to cause Trixie's mouth to gape open.

“Pull yourself together, Mattel,” Courtney snapped, grasping Trixie's face with both hands. "We will get there. We will _will_ this into existence. Do you understand me? We will be _fine_." Courtney squeezed Trixie's cheeks so that her lips pressed into a pout.

"You'll ruin my make-up," Trixie grumbled distortedly through pursed lips.

Courtney released her with a roll of her eyes. "I'll fix you up before showtime."

After a few more agonising minutes, Courtney finally huffed an irritated breath and pulled her phone from her purse. "Wait here, Trix."

Trixie did as she was told, feeling like every passing moment was a lifetime, her panic touching at the sides of her mind and reminding her of every fear she had about this night. _Performing, in front of hundreds. Being late. Letting everyone down. Freezing on stage. Forgetting her words. Losing Katya_. Trixie lingered on the final thought with a pain in her heart. _Losing Katya_.

A sudden, sharp honking woke her from her daze, and her vision slowly adjusted to the dusk of the night around her. Trixie's eyes widened with surprise.

Willam, her hair dyed a crazed electric blue, was grinning behind the wheel of her battered Corsa. "Come on, hoe, or are you staying out here all night?"

Courtney raced to Trixie's side, grasping her dangling arm with a note of hurry and dragging her towards the car. Trixie's jaw was still gaping.

" _Willam_ ," Trixie breathed as Courtney bundled her into the back seat. She couldn't tear her gaze away from the waves of shocking blue sprouting from Willam's scalp.

"Uh huh," Willam responding, chewing on a piece of gum. "It's true what they say - people make dramatic changes when they get dumped."

Trixie winced against the quip, but Willam was still smiling. "Trix, it's a joke. Jeez."

"Thanks for saving our asses," Courtney huffed, dropping into the seat beside Trixie.

"Oh my god," Trixie gasped, the realisation finally dawning. "Yes. _Thank you_!"

"Don't sweat," Willam replied, pushing her car into drive and spinning the steering wheel. Trixie took a moment to oggle at the netted blue dress she was wearing, a perfect match to her wild tangle of hair. She looked truly stunning.

"Were you going somewhere?" Trixie enquired with a curious tilt of her head.

"A date," Willam muttered, jolting the car a little too eagerly into the road. "But don't worry - I'm glad I'm not missing this. I nearly dropped dead into my soup when Courtney told me you were performing."

Trixie shrugged a shoulder somewhat self-consciously. The idea of Willam dating was a strange one indeed.

"Here we go girls - hang onto your panties."

*

Trixie, flanked closely by Courtney and Willam, threaded hurriedly through the masses of bodies that were collected at the foot of the stage. Trixie hadn't even taken a moment to see who was performing - she had her goal in sight, and she focused on that alone, for fear of losing her waning sanity.

Trixie's flight was stalled by a tug on her arm, and she swung back to greet Courtney. "This is where we leave you," Courtney breathed, her eyes sparkling beneath the flashing lights. Trixie felt a lump rise in her throat. She threw an arm around Courtney's shoulders, crushing her into a hug that said more than words ever could. Courtney patted her in return, emotion causing her voice to crack as she murmered into Trixie's ear.

"You got this, okay? I'm proud of you."

Trixie released her friend, feeling a blooming of warmth throughout her chest. She dared a glance at Willam, who smiled somewhat awkwardly in return. She quickly curled her index finger to the tip of her thumb, in the universal sign of 'okay'. "Go get em, Trix."

Trixie smiled wobbly, turning towards the stage door and gripping the handle of her guitar case with a new sense of bravery.

"She's _here_ ," came Latrice's booming voice the moment Trixie entered the room, her resolve solidifying which each passing moment.

"I'm so sorry Latrice, the damn cab ---"

"I know, honey, don't worry," Latrice smiled kindly at her, looking magnificent in his ringmaster get-up. "You're right on time."

"Am I up?" Trixie whispered, her heart starting to pound against her chest.

Latrice's smile widened, his eyes glistening with mirth. "You are."

Trixie found herself side-stage some moments later, listening to the sounds of the crowd as they brayed and gabbled to each other. She was sorry she had missed the final show - from what Katya had told her, it was rumoured to be the best yet - but she swallowed down her disappointment with an anxious gulp. _There's nothing I can do about it now_ , she thought to herself, her hand grasping the neck of her guitar. _I just need to do my part for them, now_.

Alaska, dragged to the nines and looking incredible, had taken Trixie to one side before escorting her to the stage. "There's some very important press here," She had hissed, her breath laced with liquor. Trixie had scrunched her face up at the smell of it. "They are up on the balcony. I don't want you to focus on them, though. Especially not if you're nervous. I find it's always best if you play to your audience. If you look directly at the bar, the lights are bright enough to make them all shadows."

Trixie must've began to tremble against Alaska's fingertips on her shoulder, because she then squeezed her the tiniest bit. "You upstaged the hell out of me the other week, Trixie Mattel. I have no doubt about your talents."

Trixie was taken aback by the compliment, but she thanked Alaska none-the-less. Alaska's catty little mouth had twitched into the smallest of smiles, before she patted her towards the draping curtain that was side-stage.

Trixie knew the moment was near.

Latrice strode onto the stage then, from the other side, his new red coat billowing behind him like a cape, rhinestones catching each light and glinting like a star on the clearest of nights. Trixie gasped at the sight - he looked truly magnificent.

"Ladies and gentleman," he began, the lights dimming to a sombre blue around him. "I am so pleased to have had you with us tonight, for our final show."

His words were greeted with heavy groaning from the masses, which Latrice signalled to hush. "I know, I know, but trust and believe me when I say - it is not over yet." The crowd whooped and cheered, stamping their feet against the dusty ground with vigour and encouraging their ringmaster to bring the magic.

"Now, this is a first for the Cirque," Latrice hummed against the microphone, stepping lightly around the stage as he spoke. "We have - yes - a never before seen spectacle! She's our own dainty little country rose, as precious as they come, and she will weave a spell on you unlike any other!"

Trixie's eyes clamped shut against the wave of cheering, waiting for the moment.

"She's the Cirque's personal Barbie girl... _Trixie Mattel_!"

Latrice pounded excitedly off-stage like a cat, and Trixie clung to a breath as she strode softly to the mic that was lying in wait for her.

She turned, gazing out at the expanse before her. Alaska had been right - the spotlights mostly drowned everyone in a sea of darkness, but even so, Trixie could see the place was packed to the brim with goodness knows how many people. She gulped, fearing her resolve would leave her, until she spotted a distorted, but familiar, face amongst the crowd.

Katya gazed at her with an obvious warmth and admiration, her smile breaking apart her lips. Trixie took a moment to implant that image into her memory, and steeled her resolve, drinking in the love Katya radiated.

Trixie smiled.

"Hey everyone," she greeted the room, her words being met with thunderous applause. "I know you've been having your life handed to you for these last couple of hours; I'm here to close the night with something I hope will calm you and move you, all at once."

Trixie surprised herself with how her voice didn't shake - she hadn't prepared her greeting, but the longer she spent standing on that stage and bathing in the light, she felt more at home that she could ever anticipate.

She slid her guitar strap over her shoulder, and closed her eyes.

The room fell into a haze as Trixie began to play - her notes were flawless, practised, perfect, magical. Her voice wove into the air and tangled itself amongst the melody.

" _There's no use crying for the milk you spill,_ " she sang, tapping her foot lightly.

_"If you don't slip and tumble, someone will."_

Trixie gazed out at the expanse of the crowd as her song continued. The room was silent beneath her voice, those watching her completely captivated. Trixie felt no fear anymore - this felt right, this felt wonderful. This was what she was meant to do.

_"Beneath the neon moon I’m in the light..._

_Tell me do I ever cross your mind?"_

She scoped out familiar faces in the crowd - Willam; tearful, Courtney; aghast, and Katya - proud.

_"No I won’t come running at the ringing of the bell."_ Trixie cast a lazy, hooded eye across the expanse of darkened faces before her, greeting each one slowly as though she could see their eyes.

_"No you don’t throw wishes to the well."_

Trixie strummed her guitar and tilted her chin for the final line, closing her eyes against the light. _"No, you don't throw wishes to the well."_

The final note was met with silence, and for a heartbeat, Trixie feared that she hadn't done as well as she had hoped. Quite suddenly, the room erupted into cheers and applause. Trixie gaped at the sound - it was deafening. She couldn't help but giggle into the mic, her limbs tingling and her eyes collecting tears at their edges.

"Oh my god, you guys," she choked. "Thank you so much."

The crowd cheered harder, if that were possible. Trixie felt completely overwhelmed. Demanding chants for an encore began immediately, and Trixie, her veins filled with starlight, approached the mic once more.

"Alright, fuckers," she said, her crowd laughing along with her. "You get to make a request - but please. Not Wonderwall."

*

Trixie was elated.

She had been encored many times more, following her questionable but enjoyable rendition of the Spice Girls' "Say You'll Be There". After the fourth song request, she had had to cut the crowds demands.

"Sorry guys, we have a curfew," she had smirked, the audience groaning loudly in protest.

Now, she sat amongst the bar with the rest of the Cirque. She had basked in the admiration of both performer and audience member alike, but now she only wanted to be with one person.

Trixie wove through the bodies that had surrounded her and the others, seeking out Katya amongst them. She was unexpectedly halted in her tracks by an incredibly well-dressed woman, her round spectacles resting on the bridge of her nose and her lips painted a deep red. She was smiling.

"Trixie Mattel," she said, beckoning for a handshake. Trixie obliged with a confused smile. "We were very impressed with your performance."

Trixie, again, appreciated the praise, but she was painfully aware of the second hand ticking by; the hand that was bringing Katya's departure ever closer. "Thank you, but I really must ---"

Trixie felt a small rectangular card be pressed against the palm of her hand, which she instinctively clutched at. "I won't keep you," the woman purred with a knowing smile. "But please - give us a call."

Trixie, mildly curious and heavily confused, was about to take a look at the card in her gripped fist, but at that moment, she spotted the bobbing of a blonde head coming towards her with impressive speed.

Katya flung her arms around Trixie's shoulders, crushing her into a hug that tore the breath from both of them. "Fuck. I am so _proud_ of you, Trixie."

Trixie clamped her eyes shut. "Katya."

The pair of them embraced for a long while, saying nothing. Trixie melted into the contact, taking a moment to register how Katya's hands felt against her back and how her neck smelt with Trixie's nose pressed against it. Trixie could feel the soft beat of Katya's pulse against the space between her eyes, as though her heartbeat were giving her little kisses there.

Trixie's pursed lips planted a kiss on Katya's neck, and Trixie felt Katya tense beneath her. Katya pulled back, her eyes dreamy. Trixie stared into their blue depths, seeing nothing else around her but those eyes. Katya leaned forward and pressed her soft lips against Trixie's own. Trixie wrapped her arms around Katya's neck and pulled her closer, feeling like she couldn't get close enough, even with their bodies pressed hard against each other.

Katya was soft, her hands reaching into Trixie's hair and her tongue beginning to probe into Trixie's welcoming mouth. Trixie couldn't help but moan softly, feeling a desperation bloom within her. A desire, a want. A need.

Katya paused for a moment, her lips finding Trixie's ear, and her fingers interlacing with Trixie's. "Come with me."

*

Trixie had never been to Katya's apartment.

She could sense immediately from it's minimalist decor and the quiet cleanliness that it was primarily Roy's space. The moment that Katya lead her to her bedroom, though, it was as though she had entered another world.

It was - _messy_ , for lack of a better word. Books were strewn across the floor, some flipped open at various pages, others piled atop each other. There were colourful drawings and pieces of writing hanging on every inch of wall and gemstones lay on every surface. It was very - _Katya_.

Trixie blinked against the candlelight that Katya had created, her lighter clicking away at the many candles that littered the room. Trixie sighed deeply, watching her graceful movements with a mixture of longing and heartache.

Katya turned to look at her once she was done, her eyes reflecting the candlelight. Trixie took in the curve of her crimson lips, the dark scattering of her eye-shadow. Her eyes ran the length of her jaw, skipping lightly over the peak of her collarbones poking through her shirt. Katya took a step towards her and Trixie's eyes met hers, seeing there the same desire she felt inside her reflecting in her startling blue depths.

"Trix," Katya breathed, dipping her lips to greet the nape of Trixie's neck. Trixie sighed into the feeling, her entire body limp with the simplest of actions. Katya trailed soft kisses down the length of Trixie's neck, pausing at the bottom to nip her lightly. Trixie groaned, feeling a familiar throbbing pulsate around her entire body as she bloomed like a flower. _She has wanted this for so...fucking...long..._

Katya's gentle nipping was starting to drive her wild, and Trixie twisted her head to catch Katya's lips with her own. Her kiss was hard, desperate. She projected her want and need into every stroke of her tongue against Katya's, looping her arms around her neck and pulling her close.

The pair of them stumbled around the room, a tangle of wild limbs in a passionate dance. Katya fumbled clumsily at Trixie's shirt, her hands grasping and groping but the kiss never breaking. Trixie tugged at it herself to help her, unable to stop a laugh from breaking their lips apart. Their eyes met and Katya grinned, pulling her shirt off now she was able to see. Trixie returned the favour, tugging Katya's own shirt above her head and taking a moment to marvel at her chiselled body.

"Wow," she gasped, already breathless from their clumsy fumbling, but now speechless as well as her eyes raked the dips and valleys of Katya's body. She was wearing a lacy black bra that accented the perkiness of her breasts, and her abdomen was deliciously toned. Trixie longed to run her mouth over every inch of her.

"Wow yourself," Katya breathed in return, her soft, warm hands running across Trixie's full hips. Trixie closed her eyes, her teeth raking softly against her lip.

Katya ran her hands delicately through Trixie's golden curls, fingering gently across her scalp and running soft kisses across her jawline.

"Katya, please," She groaned lightly, Katya's hands teasing her skin and leaving a trail of fire in their wake.

Katya looked at Trixie with a knowing smile. "Please --- what?"

"Touch me."

Trixie heard Katya's soft gasp, and felt her knowing hands push her slowly towards the bed. Katya lowered her gently against the bed, as though she were made of porcelain - as though she could break at any given moment. Katya towered over Trixie on the bed, kissing every inch of skin on her face; between her eyes, down the length of her nose, the corner of her lips. Trixie began to giggle, feeling somewhat ticklish.

"Why are you laughing?" Katya whispered, her grin obvious against Trixie's cheek.

"Because - I don't know - this is --- I've wanted this for so long," Trixie stammered, still in the thralls of gentle laughter.

Katya's smile broadened. "Me too."

The pair began to kiss again - deeply, longingly. Katya's feather-light touch skimmed Trixie's skin like a pebble across a lake. Trixie's breath came in shallow gasps as Katya unhooked the button of the skirt and finally slid it down her thick, trembling thighs.

Trixie's grip on Katya tightened further, her breath quickening against Katya's mouth. Katya's finger skimmed over Trixie's clit; and Trixie gasped softly.

"Wow," Katya whispered, her blue gaze piercing in the soft candlelight. Trixie simply nodded, her words lost in sea of longing.

Katya pressed her finger against Trixie's panties, running it slowly across her clit with a light touch. Trixies body pushed forward - eager to greet Katya in her teasing dance. Katya paused for a moment, gripping Trixie's jaw with her hand, and stared into Trixie's eyes.

"Trixie," Katya breathed raggedly. Trixie stared back, her cheeks burning with desire.

"Yes?"

"I want to make love to you, Trixie Mattel."

Trixie's heart fluttered in her chest like a captive bird.

Katya's lips were against hers again before Trixie had a moment to speak - her tongue probing softly. One hand began to tease Trixie again - her soft finger running the length of Trixie's labia and up to her clit in slow circles over her underwear. Trixie's body shook with each touch, and a tiny moan escaped her lips as she parted their kiss for a moment. She started at Katya.

"Please," she whispered, her breath broken. "Please Katya. Please."

Katya smiled in the darkness; her teeth brilliantly white in the blackness around them. She dipped herself slowly downwards, finally tugging off Trixie's soft linen panties. Trixie's body felt alive with longing, craving, and another feeling she couldn't place - but it was elating, none-the-less. Her entire body pulsated for this, for only this, with Katya.

Katya bent to press her lips against Trixie's thighs, running her tongue and teeth across the soft skin. Trixie lent back, feeling wetness spread between her legs, silently willing the teasing Katya to move her tongue just a little higher.

Katya's tongue pressed against her then, running slowly against her labia and up to her clit with soft, wet strokes. Trixie's head fell back, her breathes coming in laboured gasps as her body reacted to her creeping euphoria. She pressed her hips forward, greeting Katya's tongue eagerly and pressing her hands against the back of Katya's skull.

Katya flicked the tip of her tongue against Trixie's clit, creeping her free hand up the side of Trixie's leg. Trixie's legs parted, willing her closer.

"You taste so good," Katya murmured against her, the vibrations of her voice sending Trixie reeling in her addled brain.

"I want you closer," Trixie managed to gasp, halting her mounting orgasm in it's tracks. Trixie scrambled at Katya's chiselled arms, pulling her up to greet her mouth on hers, tasting herself on Katya's lips.

Katya's body became parallel to Trixie's, her skin pressing against Trixie's own. Her fingers crept up the side of Trixie's thigh tauntingly. She slid them between Trixie's swollen lips, teasing her for another long moment, before pushing them slowly inside Trixie.

Trixie felt her body go rigid, her eyes wide and her mouth gaping. Katya cupped Trixie's jaw with her free hand, gazing into Trixie's eyes. Each of Katya's soft thrusts were met eagerly by Trixie's bucking hips. They stared at each other, both gasping softly, moving in a rhythm and a melody that only they could hear. Trixie pulled Katya closer, wanting to feel her soft lips against her own. She wanted to melt into into Katya; wanted to pull her closer, closer, even though it wasn't physically possible. She wanted them to become one.

They were crushed together now, sweaty and breathless, lips seeking lips, skin against skin. Trixie felt her orgasm creeping inside of her like a crescendo, and her thighs gripped Katya's hips like a vice as her moans grew and grew, spilling out of Katya's mouth. Her eyes found Katya's again. She gasped and gripped Katya's arms tightly as her body began to quiver. Katya took her queue, and pushed her fingers upward.

Trixie gasped breathlessly, her body quaking, her fists balled against the bed-sheets. She squirmed against the explosion of feelings that erupted inside of her, noting the arc of her breaths and moans increasing with every passing moment. Trixie felt so close to Katya; every part of them was now intertwined together like creeping vines. Trixie's lips found Katya's ear, and she whispered; "I love you, I love you, I love you Katya, I love you", as her body shook and convulsed, her head swimming, feeling herself contract against Katya's fingers.

Katya stiffened above her, and Trixie feared for a moment for what she had just said. She could feel Katya shaking slightly against her skin. Katya then leaned forward towards Trixie, her nose pressed against hers, her eyes bearing into Trixie's own.

"I love you too, Trixie Mattel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAPPENED, IT FINALLY HAPPENED, Y'ALL


	13. Bet I'm a trendsetter, too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Last night was ---“Trixie gasped, staring up at Katya.
> 
> “Amazing? Spell-binding? Enchanting? The best you’ve ever---"
> 
> Trixie shook her head with a watery smile. “The perfect way to say goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally felt trixie's excitement at the end of this chapter when i was writing it.
> 
> part 2 of trixie being the ross we wanted and deserved in friends.
> 
> i recently watched a star is born and if you've seen it, you'll certainly see some related inspiration and references in this one!
> 
> i saw trixie at the sony hall in september and honestly it was one of the prettiest venues i'd ever seen - i obviously had to use it.
> 
> i hope you all like it - this is the penultimate chapter, i'm afraid - and i'm very emotional about it.

“Miss _Thing_!”

A second round of tremendous pounding startled Katya from her deep slumber, though her brain was still shrouded in the fog of sleep.

She groaned against Roy’s assault on her door, and pressed her warm, naked body against Trixie’s cooler one, smiling sleepily. Trixie shuffled backwards to greet her at once, grunting happily.

“I swear to _god_ , Katya,” Roy continued to fume behind the door, his angsty pleas falling on blissfully deaf ears.

Suddenly, the door swung open, and Roy gasped audibly. Trixie scrabbled desperately at the bed-sheets to conceal her spilling cleavage. Katya shot bolt-upright, caring not about her own exposure.

Roy stood at the threshold of the room, stupefied. Then, his smile grew, dimpling his cheeks.

“Oh I knew it,” he quipped, clapping his hands together. “Is the van outside? Are your rings picked out? Is Ellen here to officiate?”

Katya glared daggers at her roommate as he stumbled about laughing, gripping his sides with glee. “Bee, there’s a little thing called _privacy_ ,” Katya grumbled, casting a wary glance at the mortified Trixie who was still clutching the sheets around her with a vice grip.

“Yes,” Roy laughed, dabbing at the tears in his eyes with an outstretched finger. “And there is also a thing called _the tour_. The one which you need to get ready to leave for - _right now_.”

Katya, in her doped, love daze, had almost completely forgot about anything else. Her eyes widened, and she leapt from the bed at once, scrabbling at the clothes she had discarded the night before.

Roy chuckled over at Trixie, who was avoiding his gaze. “Girl, you ain’t got nothing special. Don’t need to worry about me.” He turned and left the room then, his laughter echoing in the dim hallway.

Katya shot around the room like a heavily caffeinated gazelle, her legs and arms flailing madly as she threw her belongings into an open suitcase, still completely naked. She heard a soft laugh, and she paused in her crazy fumbling. She smiled up at Trixie, her hair a wild tangle, her skin so soft and perfect in the half-light of the early morning. “What?”

Trixie smiled, pressing a finger absentmindedly to her lips. “I just love you.”

Katya felt her heart soar, and she couldn’t help but run and tackle Trixie to the bed, her body anchoring her to the mattress. Trixie laughed with delight, pretending to resist Katya’s hands on her wrists with feeble protests. Katya bent to press her mouth on Trixie’s own - “and I, you.”

*

It had taken Katya a long while to prepare herself - but Roy had known that. He had intentionally awoken her at the break of dawn, giving them more than three hours to spare before they needed to arrive at the Oscars; to board the monstrous vessel that will be their home for the next few weeks - much to Roy’s dismay.

Katya hadn’t packed a single thing prior to that morning, but with the help (and honestly, sometimes, hindrance) of Trixie, she had managed to get everything she needed ready and in time.

“I still can’t believe that we have to use that retched tour bus when Miss Justin is rolling in dough,” Roy grumbled as he drove, paying little attention to the soft giggling from the pair of women who were entwined in his back seat.

“Oh, Bee,” Katya sighed dramatically, her eyes rolling to the heavens. “You love that bus. Quit pretending like you don’t. After all...” Katya’s smirk grew against her lips and she squeezed Trixie’s thigh ever so slightly. “Didn’t you, uh, spend the night there?”

Roy’s fingers visibly stiffened on the steering wheel, a redness creeping up the side of his neck. “E-ex _cuse_ me?!”

They had slowed to a near-stop at a set of traffic lights, and Katya thrust her phone beneath Roy’s nose to accent her response. “Care to explain?”

Displayed brightly on screen was an image sent to the Cirque’s group chat by Milk, with the tagline of “lolololol”. The image depicted a heavily made up Bianca Del Rio with her chosen beau for the night, leading her to the tour bus with a shifty look about her. Roy immediately swatted the phone away with a strangled cry.

“ _Milk_! That rotted little cunt, I will tear him a new ---"

“Who _was_ that? Another drag queen?” Trixie interjected excitedly, her eyes sparkling. Katya watched her with a crooked smile, thinking her completely adorable.

Roy sighed. “Yes. That’s Adore.”

“Oooh, Adore,” Katya teased, her tone light and her eyebrows wiggling at the back of Roy’s head. “Did you kaikai?”

Roy’s head whipped around to face her, the blood vessels in his temples popping maddeningly. “That’s none of your fucking business!”

Roy’s car skidded to a shuddering halt in the dusty car-park outside of the Oscars some moments later. Trixie and Katya tumbled out of the car, still in the thralls of laughter, and Roy followed a moment later, his cheeks burning red.

“You two are the _worst_ ,” Roy spat, his frown creasing his face. “Just ‘cause you got laid at last doesn’t mean you need to go jeering at the old whores of the world.”

Katya quickly slipped her arm into the crook of Roy’s own, her other hand clasping Trixie’s soft palm to tug her along behind them. “You know I don’t mean it, babe.”

Roy rolled his eyes, though a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. “Good thing you’re you, bitch.”

The three of them approached the towering tour bus; the beating sun causing a dazzling glare off its bright surface. Katya blinked against it, her eyes creasing. Latrice was bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet while the lanky Justin and the muscular Milk hauled various pieces of luggage onto the bus.

“Ladies!” Latrice boomed, shuffling quickly towards them with open arms. “Good morning!”

Katya accepted the hug with a warm smile, patting Latrice’s shoulder eagerly. “Is everyone here?”

“Kennedy is napping on the bus,” Latrice answered. “We’re just waiting for Courtney and Violet to return with the iced coffee.”

Katya’s tongue poked out slightly. “ _Yes._ I need that in my life.”

“Yeah, ‘cause _someone_ got no sleep last night,” Roy smirked again, and Katya aimed a swing at his shoulder. Katya felt a soft tug on her arm, and she looked back to see Trixie encouraging her away. Her lips were turned into a smile, but her eyes were huge and sad in her pretty little face. Katya felt her heart ache.

“I’ll be right back,” she said to Roy and Latrice, allowing Trixie to lead her away from the rest of the Cirque. The moment the two of them were alone, Trixie looped her arms around Katya’s back and pulled her close. Katya rested her chin on Trixie’s soft head, breathing in the intoxicating scent of her golden hair – rose, and a hint of honey.

“I’m so proud of you,” Trixie whispered against her chest. Katya could feel the vibrations of her voice against her heart. She hummed in response.

“And I of you,” she answered, breaking their embrace so that she could hold her at arm’s length. Trixie giggled after a few silent minutes. “What are you doing?”

Katya’s grin widened, her gaze never leaving Trixie’s own. “I just wanted to have another look at you.”

Trixie’s eyes began to glisten with unshod tears. “Fuck, I’m going to miss you, Katya.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Katya whispered, grasping Trixie’s jaw and pulling her in for the softest kiss. Katya poured all of her love into Trixie through her kiss, willing it through her veins and out into the atmosphere, so that Trixie could feel it in every pore. Trixie gasped softly, tears flowing freely now.

“Hey, hey,” Katya murmured, catching a tear from her cheek with a forefinger. “It’s okay, baby.”

“Last night was ---“Trixie gasped, staring up at Katya.

“Amazing? Spell-binding? Enchanting? The best you’ve ever---"

Trixie shook her head with a watery smile. “The perfect way to say goodbye.”

*

There was a buzz about the bus – like the gentle, excitable hum of a hive. Katya relished in it, a smile broadly parting her red lips.

Her head was leaning against the cool glass of the window, her gaze missing nothing as she watched the rest of the Cirque. Violet was humming tunelessly, polishing a silver hoop that was currently in pieces on the seat beside her, her knowing hands running over it almost lovingly. Kennedy was snoring in the corner, a faux fur blanket enveloping his shoulders and knees so that he looked like nothing but a floating head. Latrice was speaking animatedly to a bored-looking Justin, his head balancing against a balled fist at the tiny table by the mini bar. Milk and Roy were simultaneously fiddling with their phones, lounging on the large sofa opposite. Katya, despite feeling the warmth of kinship as she watched her fellow Cirque performers, felt a deep ache within her heart.

She got out her own phone and quickly opened her Spotify, scrolling through endless playlists until she found the one she wanted. She clicked rapidly on the name as she found it – “doll face”.

Katya lost herself in the gentle strums of a guitar as the playlist began, each lyric resonating with her and every chord striking the same in her heart. She flipped quickly to open her texts – and fired one off to Trixie.

_I miss you._

Katya heaved a sigh and felt the waves of sleepiness roll in. The corners of her eyes began to turn fuzzy against her vision, but before she was completely lost to sleep, she text Trixie again.

_I love you._

*

Trixie was moping.

Not just the regular kind of moping – a full-blown, desperately sad moping. It was somewhat selfishly comforting to her that Courtney was feeling the exact same way.

Trixie hadn’t tended to her hair or, well, anything, for the entirety of the day. Her tearful goodbye with Katya that morning had left her feeling like the colour had been drained from her life. Not that she was being dramatic. She didn’t do that anymore.

The pair of them were bundled into blankets on their sofa, surrounded by various empty wrappers from their takeaway burritos and countless sugary snacks. They were silently watching a romantic comedy with mirrored sneers on their faces.

“What an idiot,” Courtney snapped suddenly, nibbling on a giant pretzel. “She fully loves this guy and she doesn’t even realise.”

Trixie felt somewhat offended, as she had felt quite a kinship to the girl in the movie; a lost soul who had fallen for the dark boy.

“Leave her alone, bitch,” Trixie murmured against her balled up blanket. “She’s just trying to --- _figure it out_.”

“Familiar that, is it, Mattel?” Courtney smirked, pushing herself up to rest on her elbows. Trixie glared in response. Courtney continued to stare at Trixie, as though awaiting her lips to spill the chaotic words in her brain.

Trixie sighed in defeat. “We slept together last night.”

“You _did_?”

“We did.”

Courtney flipped herself over so that she could lie on her stomach and be closer to Trixie, her palms cupping her jaw. Trixie suddenly felt like she was at a teenager’s slumber party. “Well?” Courtney demanded, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

“Well,” Trixie sighed lightly, unable to keep the smile from her lips as she thought about her magical moment with Katya. “It was --- amazing. I have never felt anything like it.”

“That good, huh?”

“No, it’s --- I mean, she was, but…” Trixie couldn’t seem to put her feelings into words that made sense. “It was just – different. It felt like the world had melted and nothing else existed.”

“Sounds dreamy,” Courtney chuckled, giving Trixie’s calf a tiny squeeze. “And you feel…?”

“We, uh,” Trixie gabbled for a moment, her eyes avoiding Courtney’s bearing. “Well I --- I told her I loved her. And then – yeah, she said it back.”

“Oh my god,” Courtney squealed, her soft squeeze turning into a sharp pinch.

“ _Ow_ , bitch,” Trixie groaned, yanking her legs out of her reach.

Courtney smiled apologetically. “Look at us. In love. Isn’t that wild?”

“In love with people who are roaming the entire country while we’re stuck here, missing them,” Trixie grumbled, covering her face with the soft blanket.

“Way to bring the tone down. I was trying to be _positive_.”

Trixie poked her nose over the rise of the blanket. “Says the one who’s eaten her own body weight in Vego bars and cried into her cereal this morning.”

Courtney’s brow furrowed, and she tossed a well-aimed cushion at Trixie’s head. “I have a lot of _feelings_.”

Trixie snorted softly, taking a quick look at the new notification from Katya brightening her phone.

 

**_Katya_ **

_I miss you._

_I love you._

 

She sighed against her outstretched palm. “You and me both, sister.”

*

Trixie woke the following Friday bleary-eyed, and aching.

She shuffled mindlessly to the kitchen in her sleepy stupor, trying desperately to keep her brain from waking so that she wouldn’t feel any more emotions. She’d had just about enough of her emotions for one week, at least.

She halfheartedly poured herself a coffee, stifling a yawn against her hand, before dropping into a seat at the kitchen bar. She groaned slightly as she opened her laptop - she wasn’t looking forward to another day of soulless job searching, feeling as though she were qualified for nothing at all.

Courtney entered the kitchen then, her soft pink nightgown framing her perfect little body. For the first time that Trixie had ever known her, though, Courtney looked - _tired_.

“Morning,” Trixie croaked, her voice-box still in rest. Courtney glanced up with a feeble wave, gliding towards the kettle.

“Plan for today?” Courtney enquired, her back to Trixie as she poured herself a cup of tea.

Trixie rubbed an exasperated hand across her face. “Job searching, I guess.”

Courtney nodded unresponsively.

She was about to exit the room when she halted by Trixie's side. “Oh! I almost forgot -" She buried into the linen pocket of her dressing down, pulling from it a tiny rectangular card. “You dropped this in the hall.”

Trixie accepted the card from Courtney’s outstretched hand, confusion furrowing her brow for a moment before she remembered the well-dressed stranger at the bar.

“Thanks,” Trixie mumbled as Courtney swanned from the room. Trixie turned the card over in her hands, her tired eyes trying to adjust to the bold words. Before she could really register what she was reading, her phone began to vibrate harshly against the counter-top.

"Christ," she breathed down the mouthpiece after a mad scramble to pick up the call. "You scared me. It's 6:30am, Katya."

"I know, I know, I know," came Katya's excitable garbling. "But - I've been awake for hours. Sleeping on this thing after a show isn't quite as easy as I hoped. Do you have your laptop nearby?"

"Right here," Trixie gestured at the laptop as though Katya could see it. "Why?"

"Open YouTube."

Trixie raised a single eyebrow. "Why?"

" _Trixie_! Open YouTube."

Trixie sighed - she knew there was no use in getting Katya to make sense when she was in the grips of her excitement. "Okay - and search what?"

"Search Cirque - and the date of the final show."

"Katya, is this ---"

"Just do it, trust me."

Trixie clung to a breath, obeying Katya's soft demand. She had a creeping feeling of dread that she knew what this might be. She wasn't completely wrong - but what she saw made her gasp aloud.

"That's --- it's ---"

Katya's laugh was delighted. "It _is_!"

Trixie's eyes started to glaze over when she read the amount of views the little video had reached over such a short period of time. She mutely watched herself on stage, weaving a spell and catching the audience in her thrall. The person who had taken the video had captured the very essence of Trixie and her expressive face poured the emotions she remembered feeling that very night.

Trixie scrolled down to the comments, barely believing that this was real.

_She has the voice of an angel._

_Someone get her signed!_

_I'd buy ur album, Trixie_

_SKINNY LEGEND_

_plzplzplz release ur song!1!_

"Full disclosure," Katya breathed. "I may be at _least_ 602 of those views."

Trixie laughed exasperatedly. " _Only_ 602?"

Trixie's gaze found the tiny card again - lying dormant and forgotten about on the counter in the whirlwind of madness that was this morning. Her eyes raked the words before she grasped it with an eager hand, her mouth turning dry in an instant.

"Katya---" she gasped into the mouthpiece, her shaking fingers gripping the card with frightening intensity.

Trixie found that she couldn't speak, despite Katya's eager encouragement. Wordlessly, she pressed the FaceTime button on her phone, which Katya accepted without a heartbeat's hesitation. Trixie mutely turned the camera to the card so that Katya could read it, and she watched as Katya's face bloomed from shock to awe, as though her emotions were changing seasons.

"Trixie."

Trixie merely sobbed.

"Trix, get off the phone," Katya murmured sincerely, her eyes sparkling. Trixie refused to let Katya see her in the state she had allowed herself to be in post-wallowing; Katya could only stare upon the kitchen counter, though her eyes still bled love. "Get off the phone, make a coffee, and call the number in a half-hour. Okay?"

Trixie nodded numbly, though she knew Katya couldn't see her. Despite how chaotic and wild Katya most certainly was, Trixie was beginning to discover that Katya was her calm. "I love you," Trixie whispered into the mouthpiece, revelling in Katya's muttered response, before hesitantly hanging up the call.

Trixie steadied her breath for what felt like an eternity, perching silently at the kitchen bar and watching the second-hand tick painfully by on the clock that hung on the wall. The moment 8am hit, she pressed dial on the number she had already punched into her phone after terminating her call with Katya.

The line rang out loudly amongst the quiet in the kitchen. Trixie could hear her own breath catch when someone finally answered.

"Hello, Moniker Management?"

Trixie's tongue was a useless, dry lump in her mouth. "Um --- I'm uh. My name is Trixie and ---"

"Trixie! I was waiting for your call." Trixie could practically hear the smile in the woman's voice. "My name is Diana. Did you know that you are viral on YouTube right now?"

"I ---" Trixie stammered, her fingers twitching anxiously from where they lay in her lap. "I --- yes. I just saw the video."

"I knew you would be received well, but even I couldn't envision just how much," Diana's voice was like a velvet purr in Trixie's ear; like starlight, like endless possibilities. "I want to set you up in my friend's studio. We would both like for you to release your song."

Trixie could barely hold herself up anymore - she slumped into her seat with pure disbelief, silent tears cutting tracks against her cheeks. Her life had become some sort of crazy fevered dream; one she hoped she would never, ever wake up from.

*

Katya peeled her hefty lashes from her lids with unnecessary vigour, causing Bianca beside her to involuntarily flinch.

"You'll massacre your eyelids with that attitude."

Katya simply rolled her eyes.

She was - _tired_. Touring with the Cirque thus far had been a crazy experience for Katya, who, with the exception of L.A and Chicago, had never really gone anywhere. She had cruised through time-zones, stepped heeled foot in some of the biggest, most beautiful cities of the world, and amongst all of that, she was in love.

The Cirque were currently backstage at the lavish Sony Hall of New York City. Katya was enjoying a desperately needed cigarette out front, her eyes drinking in the sights of the city that never sleeps.

Katya had marvelled at the intricate details on the ceiling of the Sony Hall - it was as though the sun had exploded there, and the lights pressed amongst the waves in the wood created their very own solar system. She remembered fondly how moments prior, she had been drowning in applause and admiration from the amassed crowd of a city she never thought she would ever see. Tears collected in the corners of her eyes, and nothing was lost on Bianca, who was smoking beside her.

"What's up with you?" she asked quietly, her voice gruff.

Katya shook her head with a watery smile. "This is just ---" she looked around herself, her eyes resting for a moment on the crazed, flashing lights on the street. "Unreal."

Bianca couldn't help but crack a slight smile.

"It's my dream to be here," Katya mused further. "I just never thought I would...make it. You know?"

"Bitch," Bianca croaked, gripping Katya's tiny arm. "You've come a long way since we met."

Katya knew that no truer words had ever been spoken.

The moment was broken by an incessant buzzing from Katya's jacket pocket. She swiped her phone into her hand, to see that Trixie was FaceTiming her.

"I'll leave you alone with your girlfriend," Bianca hummed, her eyebrow raised. Katya shook her head with a gentle laugh.

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Sure thing," Bianca hissed into Katya's ear, giving her a gentle shove before she glided back into the venue. Katya's attention returned to her phone, and she eagerly accepted the call. Trixie's soft little face appeared before her, and Katya felt her insides begin to melt at the sight.

"Hey!"

"Hi," the image of Trixie smiled back at her, her lips impossibly pink. "You'll never guess where I am."

Katya grinned in return, mentally tallying the time difference that was between them. "Where?"

Trixie tilted her phone slightly and disappeared from sight. Instead, in her place, was a grand studio. The ceiling was panelled wood, and tiny, yellow lights hung from the rafters like dying stars. There was a grand, red leather sofa that Trixie appeared to be seated on, placed in front of gadgets and gizmos that were used for producing music; all of which was completely alien to Katya, who was positively tone-deaf.

"Fuck," Katya breathed, her eyes wide and drinking in the somewhat grainy sight on the screen. "You're recording?"

"Yes," Trixie returned to the screen, her face suddenly pinched with an emotion that Katya recognised.

"What's going on?" Katya asked immediately, sensing her dis-ease through the 2,000 miles between them.

Trixie's lip wobbled slightly. "I keep messing up," she gasped, her voice pained. "Diana just took the studio manager out for a smoke break. We've been here for an hour and we haven't recorded anything."

Katya's sympathy was plain on her face. "What will help you relax?"

Trixie's eyes began to shine with the beginnings of tears. "You."

Katya's lip trembled slightly, feeling her very bones ache with the longing to be right where Trixie was at that moment; knowing that she would be there in a heartbeat, if that were possible.

An idea came to Katya then. "Will they let me be in there with you?"

Trixie snorted. "Why, you gonna come over?"

"I can be there this way," she explained, gesturing at the space around her. Trixie considered this for a moment, and huffed a tiny sigh. "I mean...it's what we've got."

Moments later, Trixie was in the tiny recording booth, her ears obstructed by large, dark headphones. Her lips were hovering by the stuido mic, and she had propped Katya against a keyboard in full view of the scene. Katya smiled encouragingly, mouthing 'you can do this' at the clearly anxious Trixie, her body rigid where she stood. Katya watched as Trixie released a baited breath and smiled in return, her lips a soft wobble. She indicated a thumbs up at a person that Katya could not see, and she turned her full attention back to Katya whilst she awaited her que to begin.

And then - Trixie sang.

Katya became engrossed in the sound, despite the miles of space between them that was making it distorted and faraway. Trixie's gaze never left Katya as her voice rose and fell like an ocean wave, pulling at Katya's heartstrings with every note and every lyric. Trixie was performing to Katya and Katya alone, sending her love through the magic of music and intensifying Katya's yearning for her. Katya's lips parted slightly as she watched Trixie's fingers tease the guitar strings and lace her voice with the notes so effortlessly. She was forever enthralled.

Trixie ended the song on the softest note, staring still into Katya's eyes. Katya gazed back, enveloped in the magic of silence now between them.

"That's a wrap!" the cracked voice from the other side of the booth broke the spell, bringing the pair back to some form of reality.

"Wow," Katya breathed, her chilled hands gripping her phone as though it were her lifeline.

Trixie gasped back. "You really are my calm in a world full of chaos."

*

Trixie lounged in her favourite corner of Starbucks, sipping at her latte with an overly pursed lip, trying hard not to mark the rim of the cup with her pink lipstick. Some time had passed since her first single had been released, and she was eagerly awaiting Diana's arrival to receive an update on how things were going.

She felt her phone vibrate against her thigh, and she eagerly opened her awaiting message from Katya.

 

**_Katya_ **

_bitch - you'll never believe where we're going this weekend_

**_Trixie_ **

_where?_

**_Katya_ **

_the closet, bitch - in Chicago!11!!_

**_Trixie_ **

_first of all, stop calling me bitch - unless your hands are in my hair and I'm on my knees in front you._

_second of all - holy shit, that's so cool!_

 

Trixie smirked as the tiny dots of Katya's response wavered and dropped a multitude of times - she was well aware now, after their many flirtatious and sexual back and forth via text, just how easily she could mess with her.

Finally, after Trixie was about to deposit her phone back into her pocket, Katya replied.

 

**_Katya_ **

_just wait 'til I get my hands on you, Mattel. you'll certainly be my little bitch then._

 

Trixie's stomach somersaulted as she read the words, her breath hitching ever so slightly in her throat.

 

**_Trixie_ **

_go on?_

 

Trixie knew it wasn't wise to be doing this when she had things to do - in public, no less - but she longed and craved for Katya's touch every single waking moment since they had been a tangle of limbs over a month ago. She felt her body begin to itch with rising heat as she thought about it.

 

**_Katya_ **

_first of all, I'll run my mouth down your neck and ---_

 

"Trixie!"

Trixie positively leapt from her skin, her phone flying from her clammy hands with freight. It tumbled messily to the floor face-down - and Trixie heard the deafening, unmistakable sound of a crack.

She groaned loudly, stooping to collect her battered phone from where it lay. She turned it over in her hands, examining the snaking likes where the screen had smashed.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" Diana's manicured hands were clasped to her mouth in horror, as Trixie stared mutely at her mutilated phone.

"Oh Diana, it's not your fault," Trixie mumbled, pressing the home screen and realising she could barely see a detail through the catastrophic cracks.

"I mean," Diana dropped to the seat opposite her with a sheepish grin. "You can almost certainly afford to replace that screen."

Trixie's eyebrow twitched slightly, her gaze snapping up to greet Diana's for the first time. Diana smiled, sliding an envelope over to Trixie across the table.

"Your single is doing _very_ well," Diana whispered almost seductively. "And that - is your first payment."

Trixie's eyes widened with surprise. "Really?"

"Really," Diana replied, her own excitement obvious in the way her eyes danced in the light. "We want you to release an album, Trixie. They want you to start writing and recording next week."

Trixie's head fell back, an exasperated gasp escaping her lips. "I can't fucking believe it."

"You better believe it! Once the album is released, they want you to do a little tour."

Trixie closed her eyes, relishing this wild moment for all it was worth. _She was going to write an album. She was going to go on tour. People liked her song so much that they actually_ bought _it_. She felt as though every sunbeam from the beating Autumn sun had gushed through her veins - she felt the fire of passion, of excitement, of anticipation. She felt otherworldly.

Then - a thought occurred to her.

"Okay, so - next week. Fine," Trixie's words came in a rushed tumble. "But - I'm free this weekend?"

Diana shrugged a single shoulder. "As a bird."

Trixie eagerly tore at the edges of her envelope, her dancing eyes scanning the numbers displayed there. Her jaw gaped slightly, and a bloom of excitement warmed her from within.

"Excuse me for a sec, Di," she huffed breathlessly, punching numbers into her broken phone so quickly that she had to keep backspacing her mistakes.

The phone rang for a handful of seconds before the other person answered.

"Hey," Trixie gasped, her free hand fiddling with her shirt. "What do you guys think about going to Chicago for the weekend?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OUR GIRLS WILL BE RE-UNITED SOON!
> 
> ps. i have no experience of showbiz or record labels or have any real clue how all of it works, so this is guesswork and a touch of googling. i'm a too impatient to go too deeply into the details of things but if i'm totally off and someone is in the know, i'm happy to absorb your knowledge and edit away!


	14. I see you getting closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have a question," Katya said, running a finger over Trixie's swollen lips. Trixie chased her finger with a kiss.
> 
> "Yeah?"
> 
> Katya's smile was crooked. "Everyone calls you my girlfriend."
> 
> Trixie cocked an eyebrow. "That isn't a question."
> 
> "Shut up," Katya breathed, leaning closer to Trixie. "Well - are you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i know i said my last chapter was the penultimate one - turned out, it's not!
> 
> i know there are sexier songs i could've chosen, but on the back of my love affair with a star is born, i'm also obsessed with it's soundtrack. 
> 
> have some fluff, have some smut, have some love!
> 
> p.s. kira- i hope u like ur little cameo *kissy face*

"Oh god, I don't like this, I don't like it at _all_."

  
Trixie's knuckles were deathly white as she gripped the armrests beside her, her eyes as wide as a bush baby's and her heart ruthlessly pounding.

  
She felt the gentle squeeze of an outstretched hand on her arm, and she flinched involuntarily.

  
"You'll be fine," Raja's voice was endlessly calming as the plane did another little jolt. "We're not far from landing."

  
"This is why I haven't flown for years," Trixie gabbled, her entire body tensed and poised as though she would jump up and run at any given moment.

  
Across the isle, Courtney and Jay were in spasms of laughter.

  
"Come on, Court, _chug, chug, chug_!"

  
Courtney shoved Jay's face away as though they were an irritating dog, their tongue lolling from their mouth. "Jay, I swear to God, we're going to get into trouble," Courtney warned, though her lips pursed around another tiny can of gin and tonic and she threw it back regardless.

  
"Bitch, you're so much more fun since you got dicked on the regular," Jay's lips parted into a Cheshire-cat grin, and Courtney screeched with offence. The surrounding passengers glared at the pair of them, wailing and chortling.

  
"Sweet Jesus," Raja murmured, their face contorted with disgust as they watched.

  
The plane rumbled again, and Trixie clamped her eyes shut, caring not for the riot between Courtney and Jay in that moment, and focusing instead on clamping down her rising panic.

  
Anxiety was a large part of Trixie's world, and she had many fears. _Fire. Dying. Car crashes. Needles. Black cats. Beetles. Loud noises. The dark._ But flying was her biggest fear of all.

  
She had, at the time of booking the trip, debated every other form of transport, but nothing would have gotten the four of them there in time for the Cirque's show at the Closet. Trixie's desire to surprise Katya in the city that they shared their first kiss certainly overrode her crippling terror; though in that moment, she wasn't as sure.

  
The plane began to descend at last, and the air become just a little smoother. Trixie released a baited breath and stared solemnly out of the tiny window beside her.

  
There was a blanket of lights below her, as though she was were in an upside-down world and was staring at the stars from above. She felt the plane drop ever so slightly every few seconds as it prepared to land, bringing the ground ever-closer and bringing Trixie ever-closer to Katya.

  
As the grip of her fear began to loosen, Trixie felt a rising excitement replace it.

  
"I'm coming, baby," she muttered under her breath, her smile so huge it caused her cheeks to ache.

  
*

  
The ride to The Closet was a riotous buzz.

  
Jay had insisted on ordering an Uber XL, and had claimed the aux cord from the poor, unsuspecting driver, and was currently blasting out Cardi B's Bodak Yellow.

  
The venture through the airport had been a rush - the four of them, all somewhat bedraggled, had stumbled through security and dragged their lumbersome luggage after them in what could only be described as a limping dance. They had all been breathless and giggling, their mouths wide with smiles and their moods high from the excitement of the trip.

  
Courtney and Trixie had slicked some lipstick on in the airport bathroom, despite the protesting whines from Jay, who had wanted to get to the venue as soon as possible.

  
"I _refuse_ to look like a mess in front of Katya when it's been weeks since I last saw her, thank you very much," Trixie had deadpanned cattily, pushing the door to the bathroom open with her ass and giving Jay a feigned glare.

  
She had tried vainly to straighten her crinkled dress - she had worn a soft patterned white one with matching cowboy boots - but she was aware that she had no time to tidy herself up very much. Her hair hung in tight curls and her cheeks were a soft pink from her cavorting around the airport. Her eyes betrayed a sparkle about them and she decided that she didn't look so bad after all.

  
They were in high spirits in the car as it drove through the sea of lights, Jay singing along to Cardi B with their arms accenting every lyric, Courtney and Raja laughing with their heads thrown back, and Trixie grinning out of the taxi window as she watched the lights around her blur into shooting stars.

  
The four of them piled out of the Uber with a rushed thank you, and Trixie tipped the driver incredibly generously with a tap of her finger on her newly-fixed iphone screen.

  
The Closet was, for lack of a better word, heaving with people. It was busier even than the last night they had come, and Trixie was already in awe of what was happening. _She was in Chicago, she was about to watch the Cirque, she was about to see Katya._

  
Trixie decided she didn't want to drink - she wondered for a moment if her sudden sobriety was in part influenced by Katya - and left the remaining three of her party at the bar whilst she wound her way into the sweaty crowd. She was eager to place herself somewhere where Katya would certainly see her.

  
Trixie nestled herself between a group of giggling girls and a man twice her size, anchoring herself in a pool of light that she hoped would remain when the show began. She could see the grand expanse of stage before her, and noticed with a soft gasp how well-decorated it was.

  
There were swoops of flags draping from the ceiling and the side of the curtain, creating waves of colour above the stage. There was a huge, intricate backdrop with bold, beautiful red lettering emblazoned on it reading 'the cirque'.

  
Just as Trixie was taking all of this in, the lights in the club went out completely, bathing the world around her in darkness.

  
The screaming around her was deafening, and Trixie felt afraid for a moment until she felt the unmistakable grasp of Courtney's hand on hers as her friends finally joined her.

  
"Fuck me," Courtney yelled into Trixie's ear, managing to drag herself beside her with the help of Trixie's outstretched hand. "This is _insane_."

  
Trixie was about to respond when the room was bathed in sudden, glaring light, and a strange mixture of voices rose from side-stage in a melodic sort of wailing.

  
Music began to play, loudly, and the voices wailed still. The lights flashed crazily on stage and Trixie could feel the atmosphere around her rise. The excitement, the tension, the anticipation - it was enough to make her breathless.

  
The lights dimmed to a sombre purple, and smoke flooded the stage. Trixie noticed for the first time that there was a soft, sort of haze over the stage - she wondered what it might be for a moment before the Cirque started to creep on-stage and drowned the thought in an instant.

  
First came Latrice, followed by Violet, Bianca, Milk, Kennedy, and - _Katya_. They were trudging in a tight line towards the other side of the stage, their heads bowed and their voices still rising into the air.

  
Around them leapt dancers - of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities, and they whirled madly around the Cirque with exquisite grace. They were clothed in pure white, and a certain dancer caught Trixie's eye for a moment. She was small with a swathe of auburn hair, and she pirouetted so flawlessly that Trixie couldn't help but stare at her open-mouthed. The light glinted off the gemstones lining her eyes, and her face was contorted with obvious glee.

  
Suddenly, as the melody peaked, the thin curtain Trixie now realised was draped at the front of the stage fell from the top to reveal the Cirque in all of their glory.

  
Latrice strode to the front, his voice rising like the roar of a glorious lion, the rhinestones on his coat catching the light. The other members of the Cirque panned out around him, stomping their feet and rising their hands with the melody of the song.

  
They all looked incredible - Kennedy was completely coated in silver gem-stones, almost matching the eerily white Milk beside him. Bianca was sparkling in a short black dress laced with a bright blue, a giant, ridiculous feather fascinator pinned to the side of her head. Her make-up was dark and clown-like against her expressive face. Gold and black flames licked up Violet's bodysuit, a glittery red jacket draped on her shoulders. And Katya ---

  
Katya's hair was huge and wavy. She was wearing a black pleated jacket with puffed sleeves, and glitter lining the sides. Her legs were impossibly long and graceful as she slipped from movement to movement in this crazed, choreographed dance. Trixie's eyes couldn't leave her; her longing practically set her soul on fire.

  
Trixie poured her love out to Katya then, willing the feelings inside her to set loose and find their way to the woman who was captivating the room with her grace, hoping that maybe Katya would feel it.

  
A few moments later, Katya's eyes fell on Trixie.

  
Her jaw gaped so comically that Trixie couldn't help but laugh with delight. She nodded encouragingly at Katya as she attempted to regain her composure, disbelief and awe stretching her lips into the largest of smiles.

  
*

  
Trixie hovered impatiently at the door that lead to the back of the stage, her eager friends breathing liquor-laced breath at her neck.

  
"I can't be _lieve_ ," Jay screamed, their booted feet making tiny excitable taps on the wooden floor. "They _did that_."

  
"It was perfect as it was," Raja commented sombrely, their dark eyes roaming over Jay. "But I must admit - I got caught up in the smoke and mirrors, too."

  
Courtney was tapping her heel besides Trixie, sharing her eagerness to break through the barricades that separated them and the subjects of their affection on the other side.

  
"Sweet fucking Christ," Courtney gasped, rolling her beautiful eyes to the heavens. "What can they possibly be doing in there that's taking so l---"

  
At that moment, the door before them swung open.

  
A heavily painted Milk framed the doorway, his skin eerily white and his blue eyes striking. His smirk was huge.

  
Courtney squealed and threw her arms around his neck, running soft kisses along the exposure of his bare chest. Milk laughed lightly, stroking his thumb across Courtney's jaw and bringing her lips softly to his own.

  
Trixie was touched by the moment, but she was incredibly impatient for her own.

  
"Hey, Milk, you were --- brilliant, incredible, amazing, showstopping, spec---"

  
"She's up on the roof," Milk grinned at Trixie, pointing vaguely behind him with a outstretched forefinger.

  
Trixie huffed a sigh of relief and flashed him a grateful smile, not even pausing for a moment to consider why Katya might be on the roof of a club in the chill of the fall.

  
She wove her way around the entangled Courtney and Milk, and followed where Milk had pointed to a heavy door and a set of steel steps that spilled out onto a vast rooftop.

  
Trixie clung to a baited breath as she reached the top, heaving open a heavy door and feeling the cold air pinch at her hot cheeks.  
Before her stood Katya, a cloud of smoke rising eerily above her like the coils of a snake. Trixie, who had never understood the concept of smoking, suddenly found the sight of it beautiful. The smell, even.

  
She stepped tentatively towards Katya, her boots making soft scuffling sounds against the brick below her feet.

  
She paused some metres away from the girl who held her heart, and cleared her throat.

  
"'Scuse me miss, can I have an autograph?"

  
Katya whipped round in an instant, the filter of her cigarette dangling limply from her mouth - the subject of her addiction momentarily forgotten about.

  
"Oh my god, I didn't know they'd let you in."

  
Trixie's smile stretched her lips wide. Katya looked so beautiful in the light of reality, no longer distorted by a screen, no longer thousands of miles away but right here, in front of her, as real as the night around them.

  
Katya simply stretched out her arms, allowing the cigarette to fall carelessly from her lips. Trixie ran right into them, crashing into Katya with such a force that the pair of them stumbled and giggled as they composed themselves once more.

  
"I can't believe you're here," Katya whispered, cupping Trixie's jaw with a soft hand. Trixie gazed longingly up at Katya, her skin catching fire beneath her touch.

  
"I had to see you," Trixie breathed, pressing her lips against Katya's cheek and humming against the chill of it.

  
"Oh, Trix!" Katya gasped suddenly, looping her cold fingers with Trixie's own. "I have something to show you!"

  
Trixie followed Katya's excitable tugging to the other end of the roof, where, funnily enough, there lay a telescope.

  
Trixie raised a single eyebrow at Katya then, a question resting on her lips.

  
Katya pressed a forefinger against them, shushing her. "I can finally show you the stars."

  
*

  
As always, the Cirque joined the fray of the club after their performance, mingling with their admirers on the heated dance-floor.  
Katya pulled Trixie along behind her, back into the crazed and riotous crowd following their intimate moment of stargazing. Katya had chuckled softly at the way Trixie’s eyes had gone soft when she had realised, remembering her drunken request in the summer at Courtney’s apartment for her to take her to see the stars.

  
They were both flushed and giddy as they weaved around the collection of bodies to locate their friends amongst them.

  
The group were in high spirits; none of them had expected the surprise visit from their friends, and they were relishing in the moment now. Bianca and Alaska were laughing shrewdly at the bar, still in full drag and slamming down far too many tequila shots. Violet was dancing with a strange, dark man, his silent eyes raking her body with a twitch in the corner of his mouth. Latrice was in the middle of the dance-floor with all eyes on him as he twirled around madly, his booming laugh rising over the din of the music.

  
Katya eventually found Jay, Courtney, Raja and Milk, and she threw herself into them like a charging bull with a huge whoop.

  
“I’ve missed you idiots,” she yelled happily, yanking each of them into her arms and squeezing tight.

  
“It’s not the same without you back home, sis,” Jay muttered into her ear with a soft lisp, their hand gripping Katya’s.

  
Katya felt home-sickness hit her like a wave, and her lower lip wobbled. She had barely had the time to consider missing home with the chaos of the tour, but now that she had her little family splayed in front of her, she missed it with a sudden ferocity.

  
“I can’t wait to come back,” Katya breathed, responding to Jay but watching Trixie as she said it.

  
“And what a show,” Courtney gasped, her manicured fingers clasping a vivid blue drink. “I didn’t even know you guys could _do_ choreography.”

  
Milk shoved Courtney’s shoulder gently, a laugh parting his lips. “Hey, we are multi-talented weirdos, I’ll have you know.”

  
After giving Milk a playful sneer, Courtney leaned forward quite suddenly and planted a kiss on Katya’s forehead, leaving a notable lipstick mark behind. Katya laughed with delight.

  
“Come on,” Courtney breathed, lacing her fingers with Milk’s. “Let’s dance!”

  
The six of them spilled onto the dance-floor, surrounding their flouncing ringmaster. The lights around them created a wild fog, as though everything was in stop-motion, and it made Katya feel a little dizzy.

  
Hundreds of eyes were trained on them, mouths gaping with awe and eyes wide with curiosity. The Cirque fans were clearly amazed that the stars before them were mingling with the common folk.

  
Trixie grasped Katya’s hands with glee as a new song started to play. “I love this song.”

  
Katya couldn’t help but grin at her as Trixie began to wiggle her hips to the beat, recognising the track herself as a new release from the ageless Lady Gaga.

  
_Why do you look so good in those jeans?_

  
Katya stood quite still as she watched Trixie’s body sway, her arms rising and falling gracefully and her hips grinding the air. Katya gulped slightly, feeling the heat in her cheeks rise.

  
_Why’d you come around me with an ass like that?_

  
Trixie noticed, of course, and smirked at Katya teasingly. Katya raised a single eyebrow in response and beckoned her forward with a hooked forefinger.

  
_You’re making all my thoughts obscene._

  
Trixie sashayed towards Katya, lacing a single hand in her wild tangle of hair and rolling her hips against Katya’s exposed thigh. Katya huffed a breath, her eyes trained on Trixie’s breasts as they bounced with each of her movements.

  
_This is not ---_

  
Trixie backed against Katya, pushing her ass into Katya’s crotch.

  
_Not like me._

  
Katya felt her animal instincts rise – it had been the longest period of abstinence she could ever remember, having once upon a time brought a new girl home sometimes multiple times a week. But now – now she only had eyes for Trixie.

  
She wrapped her hand around Trixie’s throat as she leaned her head back into the crook between Katya’s neck and shoulder, and she applied the tiniest amount of pressure.

  
Trixie gasped, her deep hazel eyes snapping up to greet Katya’s.

  
_Why do you do that do that do that do that do that to me?_

  
“Wanna get out of here?” Katya murmured into her ear, her body alive with desire and her head swimming with longing. Trixie leaned into Katya with a smile and a nod, before tilting her head back.

  
“I got us a private hotel room,” she purred, running her tongue lightly against Katya’s neck. Katya stiffened beneath her tongue, feeling her arousal grow between her legs.

  
“Take us there,” she growled, pushing Trixie ahead and slapping her backside firmly, caring not for the sneers of her friends as she did so.

  
The pair of women stumbled through the crowd, both wearing a knowing grin and looking flustered. Katya had barely had time to get herself off during her period of celibacy, and she longed for nothing more than Trixie’s mouth on her.

  
Trixie fumbled clumsily with her phone, booking them an Uber with a few swift taps. Katya said nothing as they waited, only cupped Trixie’s ass with her hand and give it a little squeeze every so often, enjoying how Trixie would gasp.

  
Once they had clambered into the car, Katya immediately began to run her delicate fingers up Trixie’s thigh. Trixie grabbed her hand through the cotton of her dress, halting Katya’s movements. Her eyes were fearful as she watched the driver, who paid them no heed.

  
“Katya,” she whispered, but even as she said it, her grip around Katya’s fingers loosened. Katya smirked, leaning towards Trixie’s waiting ear.

  
“Babe, I’ve missed you. Remember what we talked about while I’ve been gone?”

  
Katya could see Trixie’s eyes roll back into her skull as she remembered their many sexy exchanges via text.

  
“I know you’re into this,” Katya whispered, her fingers creeping up Trixie’s thigh again. Trixie’s breath came in a soft gasp, but she made no movements to stop Katya this time.

  
Katya finally pressed a finger against Trixie’s panties, and she felt her tense beneath her touch.

  
“Holy fuck,” Katya breathed, pressing her lips to Trixie’s ear again. “You’re soaking.”

  
"Only for you," Trixie whispered in response, her desperate eyes making contact with Katya's hungry ones. Katya licked her lips, watching how Trixie tensed and twitched as she moved her finger slowly around Trixie's wetness.

  
" _Fuck_ ," Trixie clamped her eyes shut, taking her lower lip between her teeth.

  
"We nearly there?" Katya barked at the driver, her finger still teasing Trixie as she whined softly beside her.

  
"Yes, ma'am," the driver choked out, taking a double-take at the obvious scene in the back of his cab.

  
"Good," Katya smiled, running a finger of her other hand across Trixie's jaw. Trixie began to paw somewhat desperately at Katya's arm, her previous misgivings about the publicity of their antics forgotten about in her desperation for Katya's fingers inside of her.

  
Katya laughed softly. "Patience," she muttered, retracting her hand from under Trixie's dress, ignoring Trixie's whines of protest.  
Finally, the car shuddered to a standstill.

  
"C'mon, baby, take me to the room," Katya purred, tugging at Trixie's hand to encourage her out of the car. Trixie's eyes were glazed over with lust as she merely nodded, her walk somewhat broken as she wondered up the path to the hotel.

  
After a rushed check-in, Trixie swung the door open at a grand, top-floor room, with an incredible view of the city below.

  
"Holy fuck," Katya gasped, taking in the grandeur with a gaping jaw. Trixie smiled sheepishly, playing with a lock of her golden hair.

  
The room was all soft-browns and creams; the furniture grand and polished. The sofa was big enough to seat the entire of the Cirque and then some. Red flowers bloomed on every surface, and on their grand, four-poster bed, rose petals speckled the sheets.

  
Trixie came up behind Katya, tugging her jacket from her shoulders and pressing a kiss to the nape of her neck. "I wanted a special night with you."

  
Katya's lips turned into a smile, her body began to react to the soft lips nipping at her exposed neck. She groaned slightly. "You're something else, Trixie Mattel."

  
"Mmm," Trixie hummed against her neck. "Continue."

  
Katya laughed softly. "Oh, you want compliments, do you?"

  
"Always," Trixie replied, her fingers trailing the lengths of Katya's bare arms and leaving goosebumps in their wake. Katya shivered involuntarily.

  
"I will, if you're good for me."

  
Trixie smiled against Katya's neck. "Turn around."

  
"She's bossy," Katya quipped.

  
"Trust me."

  
Katya did - and she realised that whilst she had been staring in awe at the room, Trixie had stripped down to only her underwear.  
She was wearing soft pink lingerie, framed by a silk night gown. She smiled knowingly at Katya as her mouth gaped open, her eyes roaming her curves.

  
"Good?"

  
Katya's hands gripped Trixie's full hips. " _Very_ good."

  
Trixie laughed, pressing a soft kiss to Katya's full lips. Katya felt her body ignite from the touch, craving a taste of her sweet Trixie.

Katya's hands began to roam Trixie's body, her kiss becoming harder, her teeth tugging at Trixie's lower lip. Trixie pushed her away gently, confusing the highly aroused Katya for a moment.

  
Trixie merely raised a single eyebrow, before dropping slowly to her knees. She fumbled somewhat clumsily with Katya's belt-buckle in her haste to remove it, and Katya felt herself stiffen at the image of Trixie, in her lingerie, crouching on her knees below her.

  
Trixie tugged Katya's pants down her thighs, replacing them with her warm hands. She glided her feather-light touch over Katya's bare ass, running her tongue up the side of Katya's leg, tasting the wetness she had left there. Katya huffed a breath. She wasn't in the mood for teasing and game-playing - it had been much too long. 

She laced her fingers into Trixie's hair, and guided her head to exactly where she wanted it.

  
Katya felt Trixie gasp in surprise against her, and Katya's lip twitched. "No playing, baby. Put it in your mouth."

  
Trixie moaned softly against Katya's throbbing clit, taking it between her lips and running her tongue over it. Katya gripped Trixie's skull to anchor her in place, watching her head bob slightly as she ran her tongue across Katya's labia, before dipping it ever-so-slightly inside of her.

  
"Oh, fuck," Katya gasped, and Trixie gazed up at her for a moment, her tongue still teasing every inch of Katya as her wetness and her own saliva soaked her mouth.

  
Trixie continued to moan against Katya, her vibrations sending shock-waves through Katya's body. She wasn't sure she would be able to keep herself upright like this for very long; she was trembling and her knees felt weak.

  
Katya's hips began to buck, riding Trixie's tongue as she stiffened it against her. Katya could feel the tip of Trixie's tongue flicking against her clit, and felt her orgasm begin to mount inside of her. Her breaths were shallow, her eyes clamped shut.

  
"Don't stop," Katya gasped out quite suddenly, when Trixie had found the perfect place for her tongue. "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop."

  
Katya thrust against Trixie's face, her fingers gripping her hair tightly. A breathy moan tore from her lips as she felt herself build, and she glanced down.

  
Trixie was grinning, her hooded eyes gazing up at Katya as she let her fuck herself against her tongue.

  
That was Katya's undoing - her thrusts ceased, and she simply pushed Trixie's face desperately against her as she came, her body pulsating and shaking and a loud moan drawing from her throat.

  
She stumbled then, her body in a cold sweat. "Shit, fuck, wow."

  
Trixie licked her lips, watching at Katya dropped heavily to the floor, her head in a daze.

  
"Was I good?" she asked sweetly, spreading her legs against the carpet.

  
Katya shook her head with amusement. "Oh, you were _very_ good."

  
Trixie tilted her head to the side. "So...are you gonna compliment me now?"

  
"You're a bratty little fuck, aren't you?" Katya laughed, prowling on all-fours towards where Trixie lay.

  
"That's not a compliment," Trixie deadpanned, her gaze challenging.

  
"No," Katya said, pushing her gently with an out-spread hand so that she lay beneath her. "But I could always show you how pretty I think you are."

  
Trixie seemed to consider this for a moment, her teeth grazing her lip. "I'll accept it."

  
"I have a question," Katya said, running a finger over Trixie's swollen lips. Trixie chased her finger with a kiss.

  
"Yeah?"

  
Katya's smile was crooked. "Everyone calls you my girlfriend."

  
Trixie cocked an eyebrow. "That isn't a question."

  
"Shut up," Katya breathed, leaning closer to Trixie. "Well - are you?"

  
Trixie giggled. "I guess."

  
"You _guess_?"

  
"I'm kidding, you dumb fuck," she pulled Katya tightly against her, and Katya could feel Trixie's rapid heartbeat against Katya's bare skin. "I'm all yours."

**Author's Note:**

> !!!!!!!!1  
>  PLEASE let me know what you think in the comments! xoxo


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